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I felt my climax coming, and I desperately wanted it, and didn’t want it. Coming inside Kiera right now would be heaven and hell. Heaven for the pure bliss of it, hell because this feeling would be over once we were spent. Kiera grabbed my head and pulled me close as her cries increased. She was close. I was close. Fuck, this was happening.
I felt my stomach clench, felt the release bursting from me as the pleasure exploded over my body. Kiera stiffened and cried out at the same time I did, and we rode out our climaxes together. I’d never come at the exact same time with a girl before. It intensified the moment for me; I felt like I came forever. When it finally started to ebb, I stared into Kiera’s eyes. She stared back at me, and I was nearly overwhelmed by the emotion on her face, the emotion in my heart. I’d never experienced anything like this before. It was beyond all expectation, all reason. It changed me. I would never be the same after this. We would never be the same after this.
Staring at each other, we panted until our hearts slowed down. I gently removed myself from her, then wrapped her in my arms. I’d thought once that dancing with her was better than sex. I was wrong. So very, very wrong. Dancing didn’t come close to sex. Not sex with her, at least.
Kiera passed out once we were relaxed. I held her tight, relishing the warmth I felt with her in my arms. I watched her sleeping for a long time. It was so nice to hold her, to feel her skin against my skin, to feel her light breath against my chest. I felt so connected with her right now, and she wasn’t even conscious. Time ticked by, and then, in the silence of my room, she spoke. “Kellan…” she murmured. My heart thudded in my chest; I was sure she’d just woken up. What would I say to her? What would she say to me? I froze, terrified, but she didn’t say anything else.
I slowly felt myself relaxing into the mattress. Kiera was still asleep, and she was thinking about me. Me. It amazed and mystified me that I was in her thoughts, and I wondered what she was dreaming about. I felt lighter than air as my heart started pounding for another reason. Her saying my name, thinking about me while she slept, almost gave me a bigger buzz than the sex had. And I knew, without a doubt in my head, that I could fall asleep with her in my arms every night and be completely happy. And that thought scared the crap out of me, because on the flip side, I knew I would be completely miserable without her.
So what were Kiera and I now? I had no clue. I didn’t have a clue about anything anymore. All I knew was that for a long time now, I had cared about Kiera in a way I shouldn’t have cared about her. And tonight, I’d done something with her that would kill my friend if he ever found out. Over or not, Kiera was off-limits to me because of him. I’d known that, and I’d screwed her anyway. I was a horrible person.
As I pondered the word “screw,” my insides churned with distaste. That word wasn’t right. We hadn’t just gotten drunk and fucked. At least, I hadn’t. My soul had been in that act. Being with her meant everything to me. She meant everything to me. The way she laughed, the way she smiled, the way she listened to my music, the way she looked at me with so much compassion, like she understood my pain even if she didn’t know what it was. Everything about her took my breath away.
I looked down at her nestled under my arm. Her mouth was slightly open as she slept. Her eyes twitched like she was still in the midst of dreaming. I wanted her to say my name again. I wanted her to still be thinking about me. I hoped I was on her mind, since she was the only thing on mine. I wanted to protect her. I wanted to help her grow. I wanted what she had…with Denny.
Shit. Denny. Where did he fit into all of this? I’d selfishly shoved him aside so I could take what I wanted. I’d gone against his one request of me. A wave of guilt crashed over me while my brain settled back into reality, and I couldn’t help but think of the times he’d been there for me…I was a fucking asshole. He would never forgive me for this. I was going to lose him. And for what? Did Kiera care about me at all?
Almost like she’d heard my thoughts, Kiera turned away from me. She flipped over onto her stomach, and a chill washed over me with her absence. My eyes drifted over her bare back; the skin there was smooth, creamy, and perfect. She was perfect. I considered pulling her into my arms again, but my mind had begun to spin, and now it was churning. I couldn’t get a handle on the multiple jarring thoughts beating against my brain. What had I just done?
You just had sex with the woman who’s been on your mind every second of every day, a woman who is in love with your best friend, a best friend who you owe everything to, a best friend who you just stabbed in the back by sleeping with “the love of his life” five seconds after they broke up. That’s what you just did.
“Shut up,” I muttered to myself. I didn’t want to lose this high by letting reality in. All I wanted to do was dwell on this feeling pounding against my rib cage, vibrating through my head. I felt completely plastered as I lay next to Kiera, but it wasn’t alcohol that was making me feel this way. No, it wasn’t tequila that was making my chest light, my head giddy. Alcohol wasn’t filling me with the need to smile, laugh, and clutch Kiera tight. I was completely drunk…on her.
But did that mean anything for us? Were we even an us? Or was it still her and me? Completely separate.
The sheet was low on Kiera, exposing most of her body. I really wanted to lean down and place kisses between her shoulder blades, rest my cheek on the small of her back, pull her close to my body. I was scared to wake her up though. What would she say when she regained consciousness? That what we’d done was a mistake? That she was still in love with Denny? That she was going to leave the house? Or…would she say the impossible? That she cared about me, and she wanted to be with me?
No, that was highly unlikely. No woman I’d ever slept with had actually cared about me. Not like that. Most likely, all that had happened was Kiera had been sad, and I had cheered her up. End of story.
But…the way she looked at me sometimes. The way she held me. The way she kissed me on the cheek, then blushed. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I couldn’t get her out of my head. Ever. She was always on my mind. God, I just wanted her to care about me. I didn’t want to be the only one feeling this. I cared about her so much. I loved her so much.
Whoa. Back the fuck up. I loved her? Did I even know what that meant?
I hopped out of my bed like someone had just tossed a bucket of ice water on me. Thankfully, Kiera didn’t move when I ripped my arm away from her. I guess she was really out of it.
I loved her? Loved. As in, I couldn’t live without her, and I didn’t want anybody else? Crap, that felt so right. But I couldn’t actually be in love with her. Could I?
Fuck.
Stopping my incessant pacing, I turned to stare at Kiera on my bed. She looked so good sprawled over my sheets. I could feel myself starting to get aroused again just watching her. God, what I wouldn’t give to slide back into bed with her. I’d wrap my arms around her and gently kiss her awake. I would give anything to have sex with her again. But sober. I’d take my time. I’d cherish every inch of her body. I’d…make love to her. God, that sounded weird, even in my own head. I wasn’t even sure what that meant? Make love? It was all the same act. It was all the same moves. Sex was sex, so what was the difference? And why did phrasing it that way make my stomach tighten so much I felt like I was permanently messing up my insides?
Because you’re in love with her, you idiot.
The moonlight filtering in through the window highlighted the ridge along her lower back. God, I loved that ridge. There was something about that spot that was insanely erotic to me. The way the light hit her skin, accentuating one area, darkening others…it was almost like the moon was caressing her. It made me jealous. I was actually freaking jealous of the freaking moon. I needed to get out of here so I could get a fucking grip.
Turning from her, I stormed over to my dresser. I tore open the top drawer and grabbed some clean boxers. After putting them on, I shut the drawer a little harder than necessary. I glanced back at Kiera, but she was still out. Why am I so angry?
Because you love her, and you’re not good enough for her. She’ll never love you, and you know it. You’ve been unlovable from the start.
Swallowing, I turned away and rummaged through another drawer to find some jeans. Yes, all of that was true, but…maybe I could convince her to give me a chance? She didn’t have to love me in return, but maybe she could…really like me or something? Maybe we could try to have a relationship? I knew her heart was still with Denny, obviously, since they’d just broken up, but if I told her I loved her…maybe…maybe she’d at least try me out for a while. And a while with her would be better than nothing. I almost couldn’t believe Denny was really gone, that he’d actually chosen his job over her.
Zipping up my pants, I stared at her with unabashed longing. She was alone. Wouldn’t being with me be better than being alone? No…she might prefer being alone to me. I wasn’t exactly the easiest person to care about. But if I said I loved her and I only wanted to be with her, maybe she’d feel comfortable enough with me to say okay.
Irritated, I turned back around to find a shirt. All right, so how the fuck did I go about doing that without sounding like a complete and total fucktard? How the hell did I tell her I loved her? I could barely even think the words. Anger crept over me again as I yanked a T-shirt over my head. I didn’t know how to do this. I didn’t know how to be open and honest. I didn’t know how to let her in. I could give myself to hundreds of girls, a different one every night, and that didn’t bother me in the slightest. But actually opening myself up to her…scared the living shit out of me.
