She turned to her date and they exchanged a look. I hated myself that they were so close that they could do that. Becca and I could do that. She could look at me and know exactly what I was thinking, but I was gone long enough that she found a replacement.
In the months since I left, I never stopped thinking about her, but I never reached out. I never called her, not even as my best friend. I was stupid for never admitting how I felt about her. I had my chance and I let it slip out of my hands because of my own foolishness.
As I watched their silent conversation, I realized all that mattered to me was her happiness. If she wanted to be with him, that was fine as long as he treated her right.
I could have walked away at that moment, but I refused to give up that easily. I could make her happy. I knew it. She needed to know it too. I had to tell her everything. She needed to know why I left and why I was back.
"You know what? Just forget it," I said before walking away.
Becca's hand reached for my arm, but I didn't stop. I wasn't going to be some pansy and beg her for time alone so I could pour my guts out to her. If she wanted to be alone with me, she would have gone the first time I asked. I needed to do something to make her understand how serious I was about her and if that meant doing it in front of all these people, I would.
Chapter Nineteen
Becca
As Taylor and I entered the fundraiser, I looked around the room for Gideon. It was more out of reflex than anything, but I kept hoping to see him. The fundraiser was in celebration of a year since his brother, Gabriel Kohl, created the grant to revitalize Canyon Cove's South End. The Boone Art Gallery looked just like it did last year. But the big difference I noticed was that Gideon wasn't there following me around.
When I thought about that night now, I realized how blind I had been. I never admitted to Gideon that I saw him that night. I never told anyone about it. Everything had changed after that night, but it wasn't until now that I admitted it to myself.
I was so worried about my friendship with Gideon ending that I didn't realize it had evolved. In my quest to keep Gideon and not lose him, I did exactly that. I didn't want to believe he loved me, it was easier to pretend he didn't, so I pushed him away.
I spotted Eddie from work and went over to talk to him. As we spoke, I wrapped my arm through Taylor's and looked up at him and smiled. Taylor was the perfect date. He was even the perfect friend. He was model gorgeous and looked incredible in a tuxedo. All the women looked at him when we walked past, but I knew he would never abandon our friendship for one of them. He wasn't interested.
When I thought about Gideon, I wondered if that was what my problem was. Maybe I was so worried about losing him to someone else that when he became interested, I thought our friendship was over.
In all this time, the only thing I knew for certain was that I was someone who overanalyzed everything. Unfortunately with Gideon gone, all I had were my memories of our conversations. It was the only way I could figure out what went wrong. And with Gideon gone, Taylor had become the person that I went to with all my problems.
I was mid-sentence when Gideon stepped into the alcove with us. For a second I thought I was making him up. I thought I had been thinking about him so much that I imagined him there. I was so stunned to see him, I didn't know if I was still talking or if I stopped. It had been so long since I had seen Gideon that I didn't know what to do.
"We need to talk," he said before looking at Taylor with disdain. "Alone."
I couldn't believe he was acting like this after being gone for all this time. He was acting like he owned me and in some way, he did. A day didn't go by where I wasn't thinking about him or wishing he was near. But that didn't mean I wasn't going to be angry with him.
"Anything you say to me, you can say in front of Taylor," I said.
"No, this is about us, Becca, you and me. I'm doing now what I should have done months ago. Before you even had your blind date with this guy."
I could see the anger brewing in Gideon's face, and I liked it. I loved that he was still jealous even though we hadn't spoken in months. I liked how he would get all alpha just because another man was near me.
I wanted to believe I was much more of an intellectual than to fall for this alpha male bullshit, but there was something about Gideon when he was forceful like this that I couldn't resist. Still, he had no right to act this way.
I hated being reminded of that blind date. The good of it was that I met Taylor and he became a great friend, but I hated how Gideon was so quick to find another woman. What made it worse was when he didn't show up. For all I knew, he was telling her how much he loved her just like he told me.
As Eddie started to explain about his sister being Gideon's date and what really happened, I realized I was acting just as jealous as Gideon.
I was saying things and acting in a way that was nothing like me, but I couldn't help myself. Why was I even bringing up something that happened so long ago? I knew I was in love with Gideon, and the thought of him being with someone else drove me crazy.
As he looked at Taylor with disdain, I realized that we were going through the same exact thing. He cared about me as much as I cared about him. And knowing him like I did, I had a feeling that I was making a big deal about Eddie's sister for nothing.
"Becca, please. Can we talk in private? Just give me five minutes," Gideon said.
I looked up at Taylor and he gave a brief nod. Taylor was my go-to friend for everything about Gideon. It was nice to get a man's perspective on things, even if he was gay.
Taylor didn't have to say anything, I knew he would support whatever decision I made. He knew how I felt about Gideon. He knew I had been miserable without my old friend.
"You know what? Just forget it," Gideon said angrily before walking away.
I reached out for his arm, hoping to stop him, but he kept walking. I didn't blame him, how could I? I had been the worst friend possible. I was never open with him, I never told him how I felt. Even now, with my arm still through Taylor's, I realized what Taylor and I must look like.
