"There," he said. "Are you happy now? I'm sure Adam's told you all about it. Can we move on with our day now?"
Adam ignored him. "I spoke to the mayor this morning," he said, continuing to talk to me about the project. "I told him about you, Ruby. I told him how you had nothing to do with the plans he’s seen so far, and that you’ll know what they want. I told him how talented you are and how you see things differently. He’s giving us one more shot, but we only have a month to prepare."
"Then there's no point wasting any more time on this," Oscar said. "We don't have it, Adam. You see, we never did. Don’t drag her through this for nothing."
"I think she's the key," Adam said. "I think she's what we've been missing. I’m surprised you don’t see that."
Adam turned the portfolio so the picture of the carousel faced me.
“I know you, Ruby. I know as soon as I mentioned this project you were already designing. Don’t listen to him. He’s just being negative. This project needs you. Ocean City needs you.
I was overwhelmed by everything. Adam’s story about Ocean City, the undeveloped property, and Oscar scowling at me from the other end of the kitchen.
Can I do this?
I needed time to think. It was just too much all at once. I glanced over in Oscar’s direction, and our eyes met, but I couldn’t read him like I used to be able to. Why was he so against me being involved? Whatever it was, I wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with it, or him, if this was how he was going to be.
"I'll think about it," I said.
"It’s a waste of time," Oscar muttered, and opened the refrigerator like we were already finished.
Adam stood, gathered his portfolio, and placed it directly in front of me.
"Hold onto this for me. Olivia and I leave on vacation Tuesday. We'll be gone a week, then I'm in Denver the week after." He pushed his chair in. "Do one thing for me while I'm gone, Ruby. Drive down there. Don't bring a pad or a pencil, don't make it a project. Just drive down there and look around. I know you'll see something the others didn't. You have the eye for this.”
He hugged me, shook Oscar's hand, and left.
* * *
Hours later, Oscar was acting as if nothing had happened. It was just like him. He could say the most hurtful things to me and then, less than an hour later, act like everything was fine. In thepast, I let a lot of things slide because I didn’t want to upset anyone. I never pushed back. I stuffed down my hurt, I ignored my pain, and I didn’t stand up for myself.
The evening was a blur. My mind was still on Ocean City as we arrived at the steakhouse. The waiter brought bread, my Coke, and a glass of pinot noir for Oscar. We sat across from each other in a small, intimate corner of the restaurant in silence.
I looked out at the nearby tables, each with its white tablecloth and curved grey upholstered chairs. The din of the restaurant was nonstop, making the silence between us even louder. I couldn’t escape it. Everywhere I looked, there was a happy couple. A talking couple. A couple holding hands. A couple leaning in close to each other.
And then there was us.
There was silence. There wasn’t affection. There was nothing. We might as well be two strangers sitting across from each other.
My eyes stung with tears, but I blinked them back.
I thought I was past this.
I sat across from my husband of almost twenty-three years and felt the weight of that silence. It wasn’t anything new, I had felt this way for years. But the past two days had made me see it even more clearly and led me to ask myself the questions I had been avoiding.
Am I happy? Is this what I want for the rest of my life?
No, it wasn’t.
That’s when the solution I had been avoiding popped into my head. No, not divorce. I wanted time. Distance. Space.
Just the thought of it affected me. Instead of all the stress and weight of everything I had been carrying, I felt lighter. Clearer. More in control of my life.
I was tired of the silence, so I decided to change that.
"I want a separation."
Chapter 6
