Her fingers tightened around mine. “And I know this isn’t the time for any of the other stuff. I know it probably feels small right now. But it still matters, Braden. We matter.”
“Em,please.”
She paused, lifting her head off my shoulder to look at me. When she saw the devastation in my eyes, her face fell, and she shook her head instantly, again and again.
“No,” she breathed. “Braden, don’t. Don’t you dare.”
“I don’t have a choice.”
“That’s bullshit. You always have a choice.”
“How am I supposed to do this right now, Em? How am I supposed to take another risk when everything that matters to me feels one bad break away from falling apart?”
“Braden…” she said softly, like she was handling something fragile. “I’m not asking you to gamble with your family. I’m not asking you to stop showing up for them.”
I let out a humorless laugh, shaking my head. “Maybe not intentionally, but that’s what this is. You were in that meeting. You heard Claire. Coach Palmer. You heard what happens if we keep doing this.”
She swallowed hard, tears spilling over now. “And you heard me, too. You heard me say I would figure it out with you.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“No,” she said, voice trembling. “It’s not. But that doesn’t mean this is the answer.”
She was still shaking her head, but now her eyes were the ones welling with tears.
It fucking killed me.
I wet my lips, holding tight to her hand and focusing my gaze on where our fingers tangled, wishing I could have her, wishing it wasn’t all so fucking unfair.
“I love you, Emily.”
It was as if I’d slit her neck, the way her face crumpled, the way she shook her head like it pained her to hear it.
“I do. And I know this isn’t the time to say it, and maybe I shouldn’t say it at all, but I can’t let you go without you knowing the truth. I love you. Love who I am with you. Love that you came here knowing the risk. You being here means everything to me,” I said roughly. “And that’s part of the problem. Because if I let myself lean into this, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to let you go.”
“Don’t,” she said simply. “Don’tlet me go.”
“If this were just about what I want, it would be you. But my life doesn’t get to be just about what I want.”
I swallowed, hating myself before I said the words I knew I had to say next.
“I can’t match your energy, Em. I can’t take the same risk. I can’t choose you over everything right now — even though I wish with all my fucking heart that I could.”
My voice broke on the last words, even more when she pulled her hands from mine, leaving my grasp as empty as my soul.
“So, that’s it?” she asked, her eyes glossy. I saw the hardness beginning to settle over her, the defense going up, the walls rebuilding. “You just give up on us? You tell me you love me and then profess there’s no world we can be together in right on the heels of that?”
“I don’t know what else to do.”
The words shuddered out of me, and I looked up at the ceiling, swiping at my face as I tried to regain my composure. I felt so fucking helpless I wanted to float away, but I knew I couldn’t. I had to ground myself. I had to do the impossible to provide for my family.
“I’ll quit,” she said simply, shrugging. “I’ll quit the team.”
“No. Don’t do that — not for me. You love dancing. You worked your ass off to get that position and you just got yourselfhealthy again. Quitting isn’t an option. I don’t want that, and I know you don’t, either.”
“I don’t want to lose you!” Her chest heaved with the confession, her eyes wild. “Can’t you see that? I love you, too, and I don’t want to lose you. Ican’tlose you.”
I wrapped her in my arms, pulling her to my chest as we both broke. She let me hold her only a moment before she was pushing against my chest.
