Harper sucked in a breath before she realized what she’d done. She tried to school her features, as drugs were nothing she had any experience with, and she’d grown up as a part of the supposedDrug Free Class of 2000, not that the marketing campaign had actually worked for the broader generation, but it had for her. Even when her classmates were taking speed to help them stay awake to study, neither she nor Kelly had ever partaken. They’d just slogged through, keeping each other awake as best they could. And she thought that when Charlie had mentioned drugs a few weeks ago, she’d made it seem like shehadn’t partaken at all. “I probably sound ridiculously naive, but what are nearly legal drugs?”
“I’m sorry. That was a silly way to phrase it. I was referring to Adderall, which is prescribed to a lot of people but not me. It’s for ADHD, which I don’t have, but somehow, the pills were always available. It’s a gross lifestyle and a gross culture, but at first, I just wanted tobelong, so I did it for longer than I should have.” Charlie looked at her with wide eyes. “But please believe me when I tell you that I haven’t done them in more than ten years. I was popping caffeine pills like they were candy for seven or eight years, but you can get those at the gas station. I knew that wasn’t healthy, either, and I’d even stopped those pills and the sugar-free energy drinks three years ago. I’m not proud of myself for any of it. I’m not proud of the pressure I put on the junior bankers to produce and work ninety-plus hour weeks. And I’m not proud of how I slowly pulled back from my parents as they continued to question my commitment to a company that asked so damn much of me.”
“So you just slowly…drifted away from them? But not because of the Adderall or caffeine or whatever?”
“They probably thought I was snorting coke every night with the finance bros. Which I wasn’t. I’ve never done that. But every time I talked to them, they’d make comments about thefast-paced lifestylethat I was becoming too enamored with. Or thatthosepeoplewere corrupting me. Which wasn’t entirely true. I was making the choices I needed to stay awake to work. I was one ofthosepeople. And I feel gross about it, but the way they kept trying to say Wall Street was corrupting me really hurt my feelings at the time. So, yeah, I pulled back a little and called less. And then a little more and visited less. And the next year, I had a major project at work that overtook my Thanksgiving and my Christmas so I couldn’t go home for either. I went to Switzerland to talk a client off the metaphorical ledge. And I can’t believethat I slowly cut my parents out of my life. My parents, who paid for me to go to college. The ones who taught me the value of an education. I…feel like I’m not expressing myself well. Because I keep justifying myself and my actions, and there isn’t a justification. I was a shit. I made shitty decisions. I got sensitive when my parents called me out for them as any worried parent would. And I didn’t talk to them for years. Which is so fucking shitty.” She tipped her head back again. “I don’t deserve their quick acceptance of my apology. I really don’t.”
“I know you’re making yourself out to be the villain here—and I’m not saying everything you did was right—but it seems like they didn’t reach out, either. Maybe that’s what’s driving guilt for them too. They weresoexcited to see you today. They’re your parents, and they justletyou walk away.”
“Yeah, butIfroze them out.”
Harper squeezed her knee, hoping that her message would get through. “Maybe. But the freeze of a relationship can’t only be on one side. One person may initiate tossing the relationship into the freezer, but if the other person doesn’t try to put it on a hot plate or turn on the blow dryer to warm things back up…especially when it’s your parents…I’m not surprised they have guilt too. Nothing happens in a vacuum.” At Charlie’s incredulous look, Harper said, “I’m not trying to absolve you of anything, but drowning yourself in guilt isn’t going to do a fucking thing. I can speak firsthand about that. You can only do what you can. And while I know it feels like you’re the only wrongdoer to you, I’m pretty sure your parents feel like it’s their fault too. And I don’t think they’re wrong. Objectively, and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but any of you could have done something about this long before now.”
Charlie huffed but didn’t interrupt.
“And the past is in the past. What either of you could have or should have done doesn’t matter. The situation today is what itis. And you can either choose to move forward or continue to live in the past because of how you fucked up. But that isn’t going to make your life, or your parents’ lives, more enriched.”
Harper tried to ignore how some of that advice hit a little too close to home for her. It wasn’t like she’d been able to move past losing Kelly or the guilt she had surrounding it. But damn, she was apparently good at helping other people realize it since Charlie was nodding with a more hopeful look on her face. Maybe Kelly’s idea to turn Harper into a bartender wasn’t half-bad. Who would’ve thought?
“You’re awfully insightful on the topic of guilt.” Charlie sucked half of her lower lip into her mouth. “Have you worked through some guilt issues of your own?”
Harper wanted to deflect. “We aren’t talking about me.”
“Maybe not, but the observation remains. We don’t have to talk about anything if you don’t want to, but I’m here if you do.”
Harper was taking a breath to shoot her down, but the earnest look on her face said she really did know something about what Harper was feeling, and it had her walls coming down in a way she hadn’t known since Kelly. “I have some guilt over Kelly’s death.”
“Still?”
“Yeah. I was sick the day she died. I’d been at a conference that she didn’t want me to go to. And I didn’t wear a mask like she’d asked me to because I’d been vaccinated and boosted, and it was loud in the conference hall. And I got tired of repeating myself over and over again when people couldn’t hear me. And I fucking caught COVID.”
“You could have caught it anywhere,” Charlie was quick to say.
“True, but it was pretty shitty of me no matter what. She’d asked me to be safe, and I wasn’t. So I got sick and was quarantined in the basement of our house the day her ‘L’ carhad a catastrophic mechanical failure on her way home. She was sitting in the first car where she always sat when we weren’t together, especially if it was dark, and was crushed when the train derailed, and the first car fell.” Harper tried to hold back tears, surprised she was sharing this much with Charlie. Yet, it felt natural. She never would have pictured opening up about Kelly’s death while sitting in a robe on a hotel floor, talking to a woman she was dating who was soaking wet. Not that she’d pictured opening up like this. Ever. But Andrew’s regular persistence was apparently working.
“I’m so sorry, Harper. But you still can’t blame yourself for getting sick. It might have happened even if youhadworn a mask. You could have gotten it at dinner. Or the person who cleaned your room had it. Plus, even if you hadn’t caught it, the alternative is you being dead too.”
Harper hung her head, unable to make eye contact for the words she geared herself up to say. “There have been a lot of times when I thought that would be better. Kelly was my whole world. We’d been together since our first year of law school. Since before my parents died. The only family I still have is hers. Sometimes, in my darker moments, I wish I could’ve gone with her. I occasionally thought about how…I could still make that happen.” She couldn’t hold back the tears and wiped at them with the back of her hands.
“Will you scoot over here next to me?” Charlie said, her voice soft.
Harper’s first instinct was to refuse, but she really wanted the comfort of Charlie’s arms now that she’d laid herself completely bare, so she scooched around until her entire right side pressed against Charlie’s left. She sighed as Charlie wrapped an arm around her and pulled her in.
“I’m really glad you’re still here.” She ran her hand up and down Harper’s arm, and although Harper couldn’t gather wordsaround the huge lump in her throat, she melted a little. “Is it okay if I ask what changed? How did you make the decision to keep staying?”
Harper nodded, even though her head was still on Charlie’s shoulder. Charlie kept rubbing her arm, patient as her tears slowed and finally stopped. And the swelling in Harper’s throat finally eased enough for her to breathe. “Therapy. And I knew Kelly would be so mad at me if I gave up. So I changed everything. I moved here and started a new life where I didn’t feel like a ghost was walking with me everywhere I went. And that helped some. And I adopted Franky.” Harper ran her fingers through Franky’s soft hair and sighed. “She’d been adopted by an older woman who passed away, and no one in her family took her, so she ended up in the shelter. I think we worked through our grief together.”
“She really is a soul dog,” Charlie said and squeezed Harper tighter as she intertwined their fingers on Franky’s neck. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that, but I’m so happy she was there for you and helped you start to heal.”
“She’s the best.” Harper felt those words in her soul. She was so grateful that Franky had come into her life when she did.
“You know, she’s helped me start to heal as well.”
Harper lifted her head in surprise. “Really?”
“Yeah, I was in shock when the shit hit the fan. And with yoga teacher training and sitting at your bar regularly and talking to you, I was starting to thaw, but time with Franky is what really started to bring me back to myself. The version of myself that I’m rediscovering, anyway.” She bit the side of her lip, and Harper soothed it with the pad of her thumb.
Harper found herself wanting Charlie but without the discomfort of guilt that had been lurking over the past few months. She wanted to kiss her, but she was also getting a cramp in her glute from sitting on the floor in this weird, scrunched-upposition. “I think Franky is pretty soundly asleep and will be able to stay that way for a while.”
