“Because I’m the only person who can. Because I’m the only person close enough to him with the kind of means and capital to help him. And I refuse to play a part in his death no matter how tangential it is. You didn’t see him, Ken, he was in rough shape. I couldn’t just kick him out or turn him in.”
“So, you think that will be the end of it then?” she hedges.Do you think they’ll let this go?is what she’s asking but not saying.
“I think so,” I lie, taking my hand in hers and squeezing it gently. “Everything is going to be fine.” Because I certainly can’t tell her the truth. That I overplayed my hand in an attempt to right his wrongs. I’d given them $30,000 more than he owes hoping it would buy us safety, protection, but now I’m not so sure. I might have put a target on my back in an effort to save Aiden. They had more reasons now than ever to come after me and my net worth.
But there’s also a part of me that feels partially responsible for Aiden’s condition, his steep fall from the person he had once been. I hadn’t held a gun to his head while forcing him to take drugs. And I hadn’t dragged him to casinos and racetracks and dark seedy corners of ramshackle buildings to make bets hecouldn’t afford. I hadn’t introduced him to the people he had unwittingly sold his soul to or been involved in the myriad of choices that led him to where he is now.
But I had encouraged him to gamble with me every once in a while. And a long time ago when we were young and stupid, I had beaten him so violently that I ruined the rest of his high school athletic career. I had destroyed any chance of him playing division one football or hockey. I put the nail in that coffin and unintentionally ensured his future didn’t contain a multitude of paths. Maybe if things had been different, Aiden’s life would look more like mine right now. So, no, I’m not directly to blame for his downfall but I feel dread trickling down my spine and the weight of guilt impaling my chest. And it compelled me to help him however I could. I couldn’t fix things then but maybe I could save him now.
Chapter 74
Kendall
We’resittinginfrontof Magdalena for what is presumably our last couples therapy session. Or at least our last one for a while. She regards us for a few moments quietly.
“You two have done great work. I think you’ve made a ton of progress and some amazing breakthroughs. I think after today, I’d be comfortable seeing you both on an as needed basis if that’s okay with you?”
“Sure,” Kai says while I nod in agreement. But it can’t be that easy, can it? You just sit on a couch and blab to a stranger about your problems and force yourself to be honest with your partner? And suddenly everything is resolved, all the hurt I’ve caused is magically fixed? But I know it’s not that simple. That I’m painting what we’ve been through, everything we’ve endured to get to where we are now in broad strokes. We’ve done the challenging, heartbreaking work both inside and outside this office to make ourselves whole again. To make sure this relationship lasted this time.
“Is there anything else you guys wanted to discuss today? Any issues that have come up or things you’re concerned about?” she wonders.
“There is something I’ve been worried about,” Kai admits hesitantly.
“Okay let’s talk about it,” Magdalena acknowledges.
“We’ve talked a lot about our breakup and how it affected us. But I don’t think you’ve ever really explained why you left,” he comments, glancing at me. Sometimes I want to scream:I gave you options. I gave you freedom.I sacrificed my dreams so you didn’t have to. But it’s no use trying to rewrite the past, trying to make him understand I thought I was doing what was best for him. And even if that’s what I convinced myself I was doing at the time, I know better now. And he deserves the truth, the whole truth.
“I mean you said it was because you were scared. Because you wanted me to have my career. But I know you and I know us and I know that’s not the only reason. I think there’s something you don’t want to tell me. And whatever it is, I want you to know we’ll figure it out.”
Shit. He knows and it occurs to me that Kai is so strikingly perceptive and intuitive that he has probably known this entire time. He was just giving me the space I needed to process my own thoughts and feelings.
“I left for a lot of reasons but you’re right, there’s things I haven’t told you, reasons I haven’t completely shared with you.” I pause, trying to gather my thoughts. “I thought we would be too much and not enough for you at the same time,” I admit.
“Too much meaning?” Magdalena asks.
“A newborn right at the start of his career. Trying to juggle work and home and having a family when we were still so young. It would have been really overwhelming.”
“Okay and when you say not enough, you mean?” She’s staring at me expectantly, urging me to go deeper and I realize I want to. I need to get this—all of it—off my chest.
“I was his high school sweetheart. His neighbor growing up. And I knew he loved me—loves me,” I amend. “I just didn’t know if that was enough. Some part of me has always felt like I didn’t deserve him. I was scared that one day he’d wake up and realize he could do better.”
“Ken, you don’t really think that, do you? That you aren’t enough for me?” he asks, shocked and clearly hurt.
“No, not anymore. But I did think that for a while.”
“Kendall,” Magdalena cuts in “You were adopted, right?”
“Yes.”
“And so this fear of not being enough. These insecurities, I would guess a fear of abandonment… Do you think you’ve had these feelings for a long time? Before you started dating Kai?”
“Yeah. I always felt like that about my family. My biological parents. If I’d been enough, wouldn't they have kept me?” I swallow thickly, tears burning my eyes. “Why couldn’t they love me enough?” Even if no one had the answers and even if they didn’t make sense, I needed to voice these questions. Because keeping them inside me for all these years hasn’t done me any good. That kind of rejection, that kind of pain and loneliness. It never leaves you. It lives in your body and becomes a growing, feeding organism.
Kai turns to me now, resolve in his eyes and devotion in his heart. I know that look. He’s gearing up to say something that would redefine me, something that would stay with me. Because that’s just what he does. He loves me and he protects me and he reassures me. But perhaps more importantly, he knows exactly how I need to be loved.
“Maybe they did love you so much. But maybe they couldn’t love you the way you needed them to. Maybe they wanted abetter life for you than the one you might have had with them. Who knows. But what matters is that your family chose you. I chose you, and I’m going to keep choosing you for as long as you’ll let me. The love that the people in your life have for you is immeasurable. It was never a question of you not being enough—because to your moms, to Akio, to me, especially, you are everything.”
He reforms me somehow, reshapes me, makes me whole in places I didn’t even know were fractured. I smile at him. It’s warm and gracious, my cheeks streaked with tears.Thank you thank you thank youmy heart sings.
