“Are you saying I’m lying? That I made up this entire story? Why would I do that?” I ask defensively.
“No, I just... I don’t understand why he would do this. I can’t make it make sense.”
“It doesn’t have to make sense for it to be true,” I say quietly. “I’m sorry that you’re finding out like this and that it took me so long to tell you.”
“It wasn’t your secret to tell,” Kai observes.
“It wasn’t exactly mine to keep either and I should have told you sooner. I didn’t know how.”
“Perhaps some of these thoughts and questions should be directed at your dad when you are ready to have that conversation, Kai. His reasons for doing things and motivations might provide some insight,” Magdalena says.
“Okay,” he replies. Although I know from experience and the way his jaw tightens, the muscle ticking, that this won’t be a calm discussion. This will be confrontational, ugly, possibly violent. I shudder at the thought.
What have I done?
Chapter 75
Kai
So,thisisit.The thing she has been too scared to tell me. This awful, disgusting secret between us has finally been revealed. The one thing she knew could ruin us, ruin me if we give it enough weight and enough power.
How would we survive this? Could we survive this?
Our trust in each other is new, delicate, and vulnerable to threats. It’s been dangling precariously on a tight rope and this confession sends it hurtling to the ground. Magdalena’s calm, soothing voice interrupts my spiraling thoughts.
“So, how do you feel hearing this information, Kai? You two have done a lot to repair this relationship and work through difficult issues—especially regarding trust. What does that look like now?”
I feel broken. Betrayed. Seething. But I don’t say any of that. I push it down and bury it somewhere deep. The same place my hatred and resentment for my father resides.Am I angry at my father for his abhorrent behavior or upset at Kendall for shattering my trust again?I can’t disentangle those threads for fear that doing so would cause our entire relationship to unravel.
“I think I’m in a little bit of shock. I’m upset she kept this from me but I understand why she did. It was probably very painful for her to talk about and not something that’s easy to say.” I swipe my hands down my face in exasperation, struggling to find the right words. “My dad was never an easy guy to live with or understand. He didn’t dole out affection willingly. And he never really cared about my breakup with Kendall. He ignored it almost like it never happened. I always thought it was weird, that it was simply him being him. Now things seem clearer though.” I turn to Kendall so that I can look at her, really look at her. “Is this it? This is everything? There aren’t any more secrets between us?” Not that I can take much more. I’m on the verge of losing my shit as it is.
She nods repeatedly, her entire being filled with remorse. “This is it. I’m so sorry, Kai. I didn’t know how to say it and I didn’t want to lose you. But I would understand if you couldn’t forgive me for this.”
The entire time I’ve been trying to play cards without a full deck, attempting to solve a puzzle when I was missing crucial pieces. For a moment, I’m surprisingly relieved. It must have been hard to carry this information for years, to feel like she couldn’t tell me. She hadn’t felt like she was enough for me; she was worried she would ruin my career and then my father came along and confirmed all her worst fears. She was young and pregnant, confused and distraught. So, she ran. Of course she did. And when she realized she had made a mistake, she didn’t know how to undo it. For the first time since she resurfaced in my life, I have a clear picture of what happened all those years ago. I may not like it but at least I understand it.
I know exactly who to blame for this fucked up mess and it isn’t Kendall. My father on the other hand still has to answer for his sins.
When we leave Magdalena’s office, I don’t even have to say anything to Kendall. She knows exactly where we’re going.
“You can’t kill him, Kai, you know that right? Your pretty face would not survive prison,” she jokes but I know she’s worried and she’s right to be. The rage I feel towards my father is boiling over, about to reach a tipping point.
“I’m not going to kill him.” Although I’m not sure who needs more convincing. I stop to face her and grab her shoulders “But I need to talk to him. I need to see the look on his face when he says it. I need to know why so we can put this behind us, okay?” I plead.
“Okay,” she nods. “I understand.”
When you strip it down to the bare bones, what are we to each other? Without the mistakes, the secrets, the heartache, the lies. Take the fact that we were high school sweethearts and had a kid together out of the equation. We love each other unconditionally and it defies logic and reason. We are perfect for each other in all the ways that matter. Toxic in all the ways that we can’t control.
Lying about Akio's existence.Toxic. Keeping my father’s dirty bribe a secret.Toxic. Embroiling us in Aiden’s mess.Toxic. But what if we could find a way through it, and come out on the other side, start fresh? Without being bogged down by all this poison. I have to believe we can. I’m sure as hell not ready to accept the alternative.
Chapter 76
Kai
Thedrivetomyparents’ house is eerily quiet. I don’t have the energy to talk and I think Kendall is terrified to say anything. It feels like we’re a thousand miles away from each other. Blink 182’sI miss youplays in the background softly as a foreboding ominous soundtrack to our present and future.
Don’t waste your time on me, you’re already the voice inside my head
I miss you, miss you
