***
WhenIdon’thearfrom him the following day or the day after that, the worry turns into full-fledged anxiety. Those two days go by at a glacial pace. I check my phone obsessively hoping he’s texted or called but there’s nothing. I’m completely checked out, knowing I won’t be able to rest until I talk to him.
I start drafting at least ten text messages to him, but I never gain the courage to actually send them.
Hi how are you?
I miss you
Can we talk whenever you’re ready?
I’m so sorry.
I can’t be the one to reach out to him. I’m the one who messed things up, possibly beyond repair. He needed space and time even though it felt torturous to me. Every minute that ticked by felt like another nail in the coffin of our relationship.
Akio asking me to come play with him breaks through my turbulent thoughts.
“Mama, come play cars with me,” he repeats and I realize I don’t know how many times he’s already asked me this.
“Okay baby, which color should I be?” I ask as I sit down next to him on his bedroom floor.
“You be green and I’ll be blue,” he declares.
“Okay,” I say and offer him a half-hearted smile. That was about all I could muster up at this point. I could try to pretend for him at least. To be here, to be present, to be invested. Even though my mind lingered on Kai and every single mistake I had made in the last three years.
“Vroom vroom!” he shouts before crashing his blue monster truck into a yellow dump truck.
“Vroom vroom!” I echo.
After two more days of radio silence, panic starts to fester in my stomach. It works its way through my body, disrupting my nervous system until it becomes a boulder sitting on my chest, incessant insects crawling under my skin.
Something is wrong. Something is off.
He might be mad or upset but he would still talk to me. I know that much. He wouldn’t just disappear.
Chapter 78
Kai
Myfather’sbetrayal,Kendall’ssecrecy, the dread that hovers like a shadow after trying to resolve Aiden’s mess. They all close in on me at the same time. I don’t know how to make sense of everything and I don’t know how to keep the dark intrusive thoughts at bay. All the people I would usually turn to at times like this have let me down miserably.
I call Jenna while I drive around aimlessly but it rings three times before going to voicemail. Jonah hasn’t responded to my texts, probably with his flavor of the week. And Jax is otherwise occupied with Emma. When I hop on the highway, I realize there’s a car that has been behind me since I left Ken’s apartment. A large black SUV. The same kind of SUV that surrounded the dockside drop area, where an anonymous middleman I hired exchanged $80,000 for what I had hoped was peace of mind.
Jesus fucking Christ, Kai, get it together. There is no one after you.
There is still one last thing I can turn to, a vice that has always been there for me when others weren’t.
You know who didn’t judge you, or ask questions?
Alcohol.
When I pull into Finnegan’s, I watch breathlessly as the black car that’s been trailing me pulls in too.Fuck. I exit my vehicle, but the black SUV remains parked and running a few spaces down from me. From my stool at the bar, I glance outside just as the car peels out and speeds away. Slightly relieved, I bring a glass of whisky to my mouth and for the first time in almost two years, I take a sip. The amber brown liquid burns my throat and scorches my veins. Soon, the stress and anger I’d been holding on to starts to evaporate from my body. I know I’ll pay for it tomorrow, that the first things I’ll feel when I wake up will be guilt and shame. Along with a nasty hangover. But that doesn’t stop me, because I need relief at this moment more than I need anything else.
Two drinks and a little bit of wallowing later, I check my phone. Three texts from Kendall checking to make sure I’m okay. Five missed calls and two voicemails from my mother. I can’t listen to those yet; I will deal with her a different day. Unsurprisingly, there is nothing from my dad. Jax finally responds shortly after 11:00; he said he was leaving Emma’s and asked if I wanted company. I tell him it’s fine. I don’t really want anyone to see me like this anyways. I have blown almost two years of sobriety and my life is a mess.
After the bartender announces last call, I stumble out the front door to call an Uber. I might be in self-destruct mode but I don’t want to die. I’m hovering with my face buried in my phone trying to keep track of my Uber’s location. I sway a little, unsteady on my feet when I hear footsteps behind me. Before I can fully turn around, large thick arms wrap around my trunk and upper body.
“What the fuck?” I slur. “Let me go.” He has my neck wedged in between his elbow, squeezing as hard as he can. Searing painexplodes in my neck as it becomes harder to breathe. Panic starts to set in while dots break out in my vision. I’m writhing and clawing at his arms, my feet scrambling for purchase. I fight with everything I can, trying to twist away from my captor.
