I lie back and pull the covers over my face, hoping to sleep it off. As the day drags on, the previous night comes back to me in pieces and fragments. A final buzzer, a game winning shot. Three assists. The crowd erupting with hysterical, manic energy. Everyone around me is hollering and cheering. I get swept up in the euphoria, the high of winning one of the most crucial games of the season. I forget for a second about Kendall and the damage she had done.
Later at the bar, I see a girl who looks so similar to her I have to do a double take. I nearly break my neck staring at her. Once I’m certain it isn’t her, I return to the chaos of my teammates and their celebratory partying. But I’m no longer drinking to celebrate; I’m drinking to forget. To chase away memories that were ingrained in my head and imprinted on my heart.
The sound of her laugh that lives rent free in my mind.Shot. Her smile that feels like sunshine.Shot. The feeling of her beneath me, moving inside her, my body pinned to hers.Doubleshot. The kaleidoscope of colors that form her hazel eyes.Shot.The first day we met.Shot. Spring break in Cabo.Double shot. The look on her face when she told me she was pregnant.Shot. And before I know it, I’m too far gone. My only goal to erase her completely. At least for the night.
I’m certainly fucking paying for it today. But how long am I going to keep paying for it? The ghost of her that haunts mewherever I go, this sickness that feels like it’s eating me alive, this incessant festering wound that refuses to heal. I’m quickly running out of options and out of vices. I could drink myself into an early grave, emerge unscathed from fights I instigated, rack up DUIs and sleep with my choice of women and it doesn’t change a goddamn thing.
I still wake up wishing for the only person I can’t have.
Chapter 14
Kendall
Thenextweekgoesby incredibly slow. The long hours at the legal firm drone on and I look forward to the one day I have off with Akio. He and I stick to our normal schedule and routines as if our world hasn’t just imploded. As if I haven’t spent the last few days texting Kai, talking to him on the phone whenever he has a spare minute, and getting my hopes up that maybe we could have a future together. I make it a priority to watch his games and he plays just as fiercely as he ever has. Of all of his professional hockey games, I’ve only missed a few.
The day before he’s due to arrive home, my body starts buzzing with anticipation and excitement. The only thing I can think about is seeing Kai again, having him in my apartment, meeting Akio. Unable to calm my nerves, I decide to go for a run after work. Maybe that will help me clear my head and gain some clarity. Three miles in, I’ve worked up a sweat and managed to expel some of the nervous energy from my body. Cutting off Drake’s angelic voice in the middle of “Make Me Proud” is an incoming phone call from Kai.
“Hello?” I say, almost completely out of breath. Apparently, I need to do more cardio.
“Hi, are you okay?” he pauses. “You sound…busy.”
“Just a little winded—I’m out for a run, but it’s okay. How are you?” I blurt out, stopping to sit on a nearby bench.
“Good, happy to be coming home tomorrow. How are you guys?”
“We’re good. Nothing new here,” I reply, moving the phone between my ear and shoulder so I can rub my gloved hands together.
“I’m wondering if tomorrow would be a good day to come over and meet Akio?” he asks hopefully. I can hear other guys, probably his teammates chatting and laughing in the background.
“I don’t know if tomorrow will work but I’m off on Tuesday, if you want to come over then?” I suggest, realizing I’m twirling my hair as I talk to him.What am I, twelve with a school girl crush?Then I remember Kai was my first real crush. He was my first real everything.
“Sure. What time?”
“He usually naps from 12-2 give or take. So any time after two. Is that okay?”
“Yeah, that’s perfect. I’ll be there shortly after two.” There’s a long pause. “I’m excited to see you guys.”
“Me too,” I respond.
***
Thenextday,I’ma complete mess and Tuesday is no better. I spill coffee all over my shirt. I put orange juice in Akio’s milk cup, and after realizing I’ve lost my phone charger, I find it in the freezer. I spend the roughly hour and a half that Akio is napping searching for the perfect outfit and attemptingto make myself look cute. I settle for skinny jeans and what appears to be a clean enough eggplant sweater. Pearl earrings that Kai gave me for Christmas a few years ago complete the look. I pull my curls up into a tight bun and apply lip gloss and some mascara. I look in the mirror and shrug, thinkingthis is as good as it’s going to getand then I remember Kai has seen me at my absolute worst.
Two minutes later, there’s a knock on my door. I take three deep breaths before I open it and tell myself that everything will be okay, no matter what happens. And then I see him and realize my heart is most definitely not okay. It’s rioting wildly in my chest about to lose control like a runaway freight train. He’s standing in the doorway, a gorgeous bouquet in one hand and multiple shopping bags in the other, his charcoal eyes gleaming with something I can’t quite put my finger on. Looking at him is like looking at the sun; he’s that fucking beautiful. Mesmerizing really. He’s living proof that god, the universe, whoever absolutely played favorites. With his chiseled jaw cut from glass, plush kissable lips, perfectly angled cheekbones, and the darkest eyes framed by thick luscious lashes. The kind that no man has any business having. I could get lost in his eyes no matter how many times I stare at them. And that jagged slice that cuts through his eyebrow,what is it about that fucking scar that could bring me to my knees? Maybe it’s the reminder that in all his perfection, he’s still perfectly imperfect. Still a little rough around the edges.
He’s wearing a black wool peacoat over a navy button up with fitted jeans. His cheeks are flushed and his nose red from the cold. And he is still without question, the sexiest man I’ve ever met. I rake my eyes over him twice and before I can do it a third time, he smiles and says, “Can I come in or are you still busy checking me out?”
“Uh, yes. Please come in, come in.” I laugh a shrill high-pitched laugh that I instantly regret. “Do you need help with any of this?” I ask, reaching for the bags.
“No, I’ve got it.” He steps through the doorway and I lead him to the small kitchen.
“You can just put them on the table.” He sets them down and moves toward me, wrapping me in a tender hug. God, he smellsamazing.
“I wasn’t checking you out, you know. I was…” I struggle to find any words because checking him out was exactly what I was doing. His voice, his scent, the feeling of being in his arms again, the thud of his heart beneath my ear—they are all melting my brain cells, turning me into a pile of wordless goo.
Jesus Christ, Kendall. Get it together.
“It’s okay,” he whispers against my temple. “I was doing the same thing to you.”
