“I know, but I wanted to. I’ve missed out on so much already…I just,” I falter, every word in the English language escaping me.
“It’s okay. I understand,” she answers and gives my hand a gentle squeeze. She sits up, adjusting her and Akio.
“I think we need to wake him or else he’s going to be a monster for dinner and bath time.” She tenderly rubs his back as she carries him to the kitchen, his whole body melting into hers. And me, what am I doing other than disrupting the delicate balance of their two person ecosystem? I’m not sure if my intrusion is what they need in their lives. It seems like they were doing just fine before I came along, and suddenly, I feel like I can’t breathe. I haven’t had a panic attack in a while, but it feels like the beginning of one. My vision starts to blur at the edges and my heart beats erratically. I can feel my pulse in every available space of my body.
I quickly follow her to the kitchen and announce, “I’m going to step outside for a second. I think I need some air.”
She looks at me with concern in her eyes as she places a sleepy Akio in his highchair.
I nearly sprint outside into the cold night air before giving her a chance to respond. I force myself to sit on the steps with my head between my legs and take a few calming breaths.Fuck. I really need to get my shit together.Tilting my head upward, I take a second to stare at the dark sky dotted with stars. I can’t panic about the future yet when I haven’t even had the chance to really talk to Kendall about everything. But not only am I confused about what exactly my role is here, I’m distraught that I’ve missed the beginning of Akio’s life.
I feel gutted, robbed, like something has been stolen from me.
Because it has, hasn’t it?
Time, time. All this precious time. I should be furious, angry, seething. I should be foaming at the fucking mouth for an argument that would finally bring me some long-awaited answers. Something that would force all this to make sense. And I am mad but underneath all that is love. Anger, resentment, bitterness, those are all solid. Tangible. Something I can labeland hold in my hands. I feel it everywhere. And every once in a while, it dissipates. But the ache I have for her in the deepest parts of my heart, that’s fluid, constant, and unflinching. The need I have just to be near her is strengthened only by time and distance. It’s harder to ignore and damn near impossible to quell. I can’t silence that part of myself any longer and quite frankly, I don’t want to.
Still, two and a half years. That’s tough to swallow. That’s time with him that I won’t ever get back and I’m not sure how to forgive Kendall for that. If I even can.
When I walk back in the front door, Kendall rushes me, grasping my arms.
“Are you okay? I wasn’t sure if you had left or not.” She looks uneasy and I know she won’t pry for an explanation, but she deserves one. It’s strange and unnerving to feel like I’m exactly where I belong and at the same time, completely out of place.
“I’m okay. It’s just a lot, you know. A lot to take in and process. I would never leave though,” I reassure her.
“I’m sorry. I know this is a lot. It’s a lot for me too. I think it’s going well though,” she admits.
“I can make my way out if you two are trying to have dinner alone. I don’t want to intrude.”
She looks at me with her brow quirked and a lopsided smile. “Don’t be ridiculous, Kai. You aren’t intruding. I want you here. We want you to have dinner with us. Although I have to warn you, I don’t have a ton to offer. Akio will have his usual but we’re stuck with whatever is left in the fridge,” she opens the refrigerator door, scanning the top and bottom row. “Which is not much. Can I interest you in some pickles and leftover fried rice?” She laughs.
“Sounds amazing. Exactly what I was hoping for. Why don’t we have fried rice as an appetizer, and I’ll order us a pizza?” I propose.
“As long as it’s from Marchettis,” she stipulates.
I grin and tap my head with my index finger. “You read my mind.” While I order us dinner, Kendall starts preparing Akio’s “usual”, chicken nuggets, boxed macaroni and cheese, and green beans. Before she can pour the frozen chicken nuggets on a sheet pan, I intervene, placing my hand on her wrist.
“Kendall, why don’t you sit and I’ll finish this. I doubt you have many meals where you aren’t standing.”
She glances from Akio to me. “Okay…are you sure?” she questions, hesitation in her voice.
“Yes. I’m sure. What if I have to make him dinner by myself one night? I’m not saying anytime soon. But I should at least know how to make his usual,” I suggest, hoping she’ll sit and relax for a little bit. I take the box of chicken nuggets out of her hand and continue pouring them on the pan. Akio chimes in with, “Cut, cut, cut,” and I look to Kendall for translation purposes. She chuckles as she slides into the chair and explains.
“He’s trying to tell you he wants you to cut up the nuggets really tiny and put them in his macaroni and cheese.”
“Okay, got it. Cut them up and put them in the mac ‘n cheese,” I repeat, looking at Akio before adding, “Cut, cut, cut” for emphasis. I also offer a chopping motion with my hand, just in case. He squeals with laughter and claps his hands. The sound goes directly to my heart.
After dinner, Kendall takes Akio to his room to have some downtime before bed. When she comes out, I’m standing near the door, not entirely sure what to say. She senses it just like she always does and breaks the silence.
“Thank you for everything today, Kai. I’m so happy you came.”
“Me too. I can’t believe we made him. He’s perfect, Kendall,” I observe.
“I know,” she smiles, her eyes brightening.God that smile, it rivals the moon and the stars. The Grand Canyon. The whole fucking universe. I wonder if she knows how it affects me. How it has haunted me for years. That all it takes is a simple tug of her lips to turn me into a giddy love struck teenager again. It makes me fuckingweakand wrecks any sense of self-preservation I thought I had. I want so badly to kiss her and it takes every bit of restraint I have to remain locked in place.
“Do you ever look at him with so much love and pride and joy that you are overwhelmed? Like your heart could explode with how much you love him?”
“Only every day. Multiple times a day,” she answers.
