“Do I have food on my face or something?” she asks, embarrassment blooming on her cheeks.
“No, you don’t have food on your face, Ken...I’m just happy, that’s all,” I explain, knowing how I feel is much more than that. It's everything. All the pieces start to come together. I might as well be watching the sun rise for the first time. That’s what this moment feels like, the gravity of it.
I could fall in love with this life.
In fact, I already am, and I have no idea how to stop it. I don’t think I could even if I wanted to.
For the first time in my life, I feel whole. Content. Serene. All the chaos in my head is momentarily silenced. I know I’ll be chasing this calm for the rest of my life and I’ll do whatever I need to do to keep it.
***
“So…”Isay,edgingcloser to the door but not quite feeling ready or willing to leave them. We spent the entire day together and I find myself starting to miss them before I’ve even walked out the door. I scratch at the back of my neck, hoping she’ll know what to say after the last twenty-four hours that we’ve spent together.
“Thank you for coming to the hospital last night and staying with me, with us. It means a lot,” she finally whispers, moving from the doorway to stand directly in front of me.
“Of course, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I loved spending the day with you guys. I just wish I didn’t haveto leave,” I admit, eyeing her cautiously, trying to gauge her feelings.
“Me too, but I do think it’s important for us to have some boundaries, especially with Akio until we figure out what this is,” she gestures, pointing between us.
“So, no more sleepovers?” I joke, trying to hide my disappointment.
“As much as I enjoyed last night and this morning, I don’t think we should have any more sleepovers. Not yet anyways. I don’t want to confuse him. But that doesn’t mean we can’t spend time together, or go on dates…”
“Okay, dates. I can live with that for now,” I answer, brushing my hand across her cheek. She leans into my touch and sighs, staring up at me, like there’s a question on the tip of her lips.
“What about kissing you goodbye? Would that be pushing a boundary?” I ask, even though I already know the answer. And she’s right. We should be setting boundaries to protect Akio. We shouldn’t be rushing into anything. But I can’t help how much I want her in my life, how much I need her to be mine again. The smart thing to do, the safest thing, would be to maintain some type of friendship until we have a better handle on things. But the way she’s looking at me tells me she’s feeling this too, like all caution and restraint have effectively been thrown out the window. The embers that were stoked when we first reconnected weeks ago, now being fanned into scorching hot flames.
“Yes, but it doesn’t change the fact that I want you to,” she answers. Thankfully I’m not feeling smart or safe right now. I don’t hesitate or give her a chance to change her mind. I grasp her face in my hands and bring her mouth to mine. She tastes warm and sweet. She kisses me back lovingly, longingly, her hands twining around my neck. It’s a promise and a declaration of all the unsaid words between us.
This kiss feels like I’ve finally been able to comehome.
She pulls back slightly and I really wish she hadn’t. She slides her arms down so they’re no longer clasping my neck and I immediately miss her warmth, her touch.
“Kai, I don't know how to do this. How to be us again with all the history and baggage between us,” she concedes. Her confession stings a little but it’s not surprising.
“Me either, but I think we muddle through until we figure things out. Until we figure out how to be us again. But Kendall?”
“Yes?”
“You know we’ll never be the us we were before all this happened. That version of us is long gone,” I acknowledge and I hate saying the words but I know I have to.
“I’m painfully aware, Kai and I know it’s my fault,” she responds through gritted teeth, her eyes looking everywhere but my face.
“No, that’s not what I mean. I’m not trying to place blame right now. What I mean is we were young, naïve…we were practically kids.” I pause, taking the time to coil my arm around her waist and pull her to me, so close I can feel her heart hammering out of her chest. Our noses brush and she looks up at me through thick dark lashes, relaxing in my arms.
“We may not be able to have the same relationship we had before, but maybe we can have something better, something stronger because we had to work so fucking hard for it. To find our way back to each other. But I want that. I want to find my way back to you. Because make no mistake, Kendall, there is no part of me that ever wanted to let you go in the first place.”
She kisses me again, crashing her mouth to mine and stealing the breath from my lungs, obliterating any rational thoughts I had about maintaining boundaries or playing it safe or whatever the fuck. And I know she feels the same way. She doesn’t have to say it.
Chapter 23
Kai
Icheckmyphoneandthere is an unread text from Aiden.
hey man, how are you feeling about your next game?
Pretty good, their offense isn’t as strong as ours and
