Fuck.Idon’tevenknow how I summoned the willpower to stop this. She wanted me. She still wants me just as much as I want her. I’m walking a thin line between restraint and insanity. I need her legs hooked around my waist, her nails sinking into my flesh, need to hear her screaming my name. I need to feel her body detonate with pleasure because of how much she wants this and how undeniably perfect we are together.
But more importantly, more than anything I need her tostay. And she needs to stay for the right reasons. There’s about one hundred ways for this to go wrong and only one way it could go right. No matter how good she looks straddling my lap, in her black lace bra, her eyes scorching with pure desire. I can’t risk scaring her off with something she might regret hours later. And we can’t have sex for the first time in three years in a bookstore. I had to draw a line somewhere and now that I have, I feel like I ruined our date.
“Ken, look at me. It’s not that I don’t want to do this with you. Believe me, I do. I just think it should be somewhere moremeaningful and private, okay? Especially if we’re trying to take things slow and do this right,” I explain, tilting her chin up and repeating her own words back to her. She flinches out of my grasp.
“Right, because your career doesn’t need a scandal, and nothing screams scandal like sex with your ex-girlfriend and mother of your child in the middle of a bookstore.”
“Woah, Ken, what’s happening? That’s not it—"
“Are you embarrassed of me? Of us?” she demands, eyes wide. She looks like she might start crying.Fuck, this is not going how I planned.
“What? Of course not. How could you think that?” I gently take her hands and hold them in mine. “Whatever it is, we can talk about it. Talk to me.”
She plops down next to me on the bean bag so we’re sitting shoulder to shoulder. She doesn’t say anything for a while and then finally blows out a breath through pursed lips.
“I know you’re right. Of course you’re right. We obviously can’t have sex in a bookstore. We just haven’t really talked about what this is and I know you try to keep your private life separate from hockey.” She pauses to look down at her chipped nails. “I guess I’m worried that you’re embarrassed of me or our baggage. I know I’m not like the other girls you’ve dated or been with the past couple years, so I get it.” She says the last part so quietly I can barely hear her. I’ve never seen her like this—so small, so unsure of herself.
“Kendall, I have always considered myself lucky. Lucky enough to grow up next door to you, lucky you took me under your wing and became my best friend. Lucky you gave me a chance. Lucky that you somehow fell in love with me. And now I know I’m really fucking lucky because we are getting a second shot at this. I could never be embarrassed of you when you and Akio are the single best thing that has ever happened to me. Andfor the record, there is absolutely no comparison between you and any other woman I’ve been with because none of them were you.” I explain, pulling her to my chest and stroking her hair.
“So, you aren’t trying to hide us, this?” She gestures between us.
“You and Akio mean so much to me. Everything else is small details, background noise. If I’m being protective or cautious, it’s because I don’t want you both to be thrust into the spotlight or your lives to change unnecessarily. At least not yet. So right now, I think it’s best to keep this in our little bubble. What do you think?”
What I don’t say is that I’m terrified of putting a label, any label on this because what if it all goes to shit again? If we don’t name it, don’t put any pressure on it, we could just be us for a little longer.
“Okay, but what is this? What are we doing?” I can hear her silent question, all the things she’s afraid to say.Can we mend what she broke? What are we to each other now, after everything that happened?
And what is she if not my entire world, my reason for breathing, every thought I’ve had since she walked back into my life? I’m falling in love with her all over again, that’s so painfully obvious to me. But we haven’t even scraped the surface of the most difficult conversations we need to have. And the more time I spend with her and Akio, the harder it is to not have those conversations, to not know. But hopefully, my patience will pay off because I deserve some answers before handing over my heart to her again.
I let out a deep sigh and decide to go with a version of the truth, “We’re figuring it out the best we can. Taking it day by day.”
***
Twocandlessitbetweenus on the table, lighting up her face with an ethereal glow. Staring at her leaves me breathless. It always has. That much hasn’t changed. It makes me wonder why she chose me all those years ago. Why she kept choosing me. But I guess all that matters is that she did.
I watch her stab a pillow of lobster ravioli and delicately pop it into her mouth. A smile plays on her lips and I could have sworn I heard her make a sound that could only be described as something between a hum and a moan. She eyes me, carefully holding my gaze.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” she asks.
“Because I love making you happy and it’s clear you’re very very happy right now based on the little song and dance you do after every bite of ravioli.” She laughs and the sound nearly swallows me whole.
“I didn’t even realize I still did that. That’s embarrassing.”
“On anyone else maybe. But on you it’s adorable.”
Her cheeks flush and she says, “Thank you I guess?” in between bites.
“You’re welcome,” I say with a grin. “I’m surprised you haven’t asked me for any of my short rib yet. I saved some specifically for you.”
“I don’t want any short rib actually.” God, she’s so stubborn, immovable at times. She’s going to make me force her hand.
“More for me,” I say, slowly moving one of the last bites to my mouth.
“Okay fine. I do want to try it,” she concedes. I lean over the table and feed her the last piece on my plate.
“Oh my god, that’s good,” she moans again and I have to tell my dick to chill the hell out.
“Aren’t you happy I saved it for you?”
