“I was. I allowed him to keep his precious surgeon fingers after he talked about fucking you with his tongue. He’s lucky all he got was a warning,” he explains sharply, his eyes focused intensely on mine.
That leaves me speechless.
“This isn’t about me being jealous or you having sex with him,good sexapparently. This is about whatever happened between you two that you conveniently lied about. So, what really happened?”Fuck. There’s no way out of this now.
“He was arrogant and cocky and all those things you’d expect of a surgeon. At least at first. But the more I got to know him, the more I saw a different side of him. I’ll spare you the nitty gritty details but the longer we dated, the harder it was to deny he was actually a really good person who deserved better than me, someone who wasn’t all the way in.”
“What do you mean?”
“He fell in love with me. He wanted a long-term relationship. He wanted us to move forward in the same direction. He wanted more than I was willing to give him,” I clarify.
“Okay, those all seem like good things, Ken,” he observes. I don’t miss the way he grinds his teeth together in irritation.
“I wanted all of those things too, Kai. Just not with him.”
His eyes soften, heavy with understanding and recognition.
“So, it was messy and complicated with Julian. I think the hardest part was that he fell in love with me knowing I was in love with someone else. Knowing that would likely never change,” I confess.
Things had gone poorly with Julian at the end. I’m mature enough to admit that now and accept it was mostly my fault. My relationship with him had lasted longer than I ever thought it would and I didn’t know how to love Julian, to be emotionally available to him without letting go of Kai. More importantly, I didn’t want to let go of him.
“Why didn’t you just tell me the truth?” he asks, frustration and pain gripping his face.
“The first and only time we talked about him I was too embarrassed to admit we broke up because of all of mycomplicated feelings for you. It just didn’t feel like the time to discuss it.”
“Did you love him?” he whispers quietly.
“Kai—“
“Did any part of you love him?” he presses harder and I hear his silent plea.Did you ever love him the way you loved me?
“No. Kai. Absolutely not. But a part of me wanted to try. I felt like I could have maybe if things had been different. And that scared me.”
“When did you break up?”
“Eight months ago.”
“If you’ve known how you felt about me since then, why did it take you this long to find me, to confront me?”
“I was scared you’d reject me, that you’d never forgive me. Fight me for custody—“
“Ken, I would never do that.”
I take his hand in mine and squeeze it tightly. “I know that now Kai, I do.”
“So, what changed? You came to my game.”
“I realized I was more scared of losing you forever than I was of you hating me.”
Chapter 33
Kai
Ipullmyhandbackfrom hers and swipe it down my face in exasperation.
“I think I just need some time with this, Ken. It’s a lot,” I explain, not really knowing what else to say. Sometimes it feels like everything between us is too complicated, too heavy, like we have so many odds stacked against us. Julian I can deal with but her continuing to lie to me after what we’ve been through is harder to stomach. Am I ever going to be able to fully trust her again?
“Okay. I mean, I thought you’d be relieved once you understood why it could never work between me and him.” I’m far from relieved. I mean, am I happy she didn’t end up with some douchebag doctor? Of course. But the person I loved, the only person I’ve ever loved, is still keeping secrets from me and that feels pretty fucking shitty.
