“No, probably not,” I murmur.
“Exactly. You had to decide for yourself that you wanted to dig yourself out of that hole. That has to come first. Otherwise, best efforts, good intentions, interventions, rehab—none of it is going to stick.”
“So, you’re saying there’s nothing we can do? We just have to sit back and watch while he spirals and self-destructs?”
“I’m saying you can try talking to him, an intervention. Maybe reach out to his parents? But I wouldn’t get your hopes up.”
“Okay,” I respond, feeling defeated.
“And Kai? I’m proud of you for digging yourself out of that hole. I’m proud of you for a lot of things. I don’t think I ever toldyou that. Becoming a professional hockey player is no small feat. Losing her wasn’t small either. I know that.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you more when Ken left and everything happened. I should have been. That was shitty of me,” she admits.
“It’s okay,” I pause. “Did you know about Akio?”
“Yeah. But it wasn’t my secret to share. I had to respect her choice,” she reasons.
“I know…you’re going to make a great therapist, Jenna.”
“Thanks,” she chirps. “I got to get going, Kai. Keep in touch, okay?”
“Okay. You too.”
The line goes dead and I reflect on how blunt and honest that conversation had been. Exactly like Jenna. But also cathartic in a way I didn’t even realize I needed.
Last I knew, she was studying to be a licensed marriage and family therapist, undoubtedly spurred by her parents’ ugly divorce when we were in high school. She’s going to be a damn good one. That phone call makes me realize how much I’ve missed her over the past couple years. It feels good to finally have the band back together. Kind of.
But Aiden is a whole different beast, one I don’t feel confident I can tackle on my own. Or at all. I thought this conversation would be illuminating and it was, but not in the way I had hoped. I wanted to walk away with concrete solutions, something I could do. But now all I have is more questions and crippling anxiety. I feel the familiar hum of it buzzing underneath my skin. It seeps into my chest and starts expanding like a balloon ready to burst. A frantic, crazed energy that’s itching to be released.
I’m terrified that the only person who can help Aiden now has already given up.
Chapter 43
Kai
2017
ThelastthingIremember is crashing through a guardrail. That and the explosive impact of the airbag. The harsh beeping of monitors, the presence of an IV bag, and the pain radiating up my side and across my ribs tell me I’m most definitely not in my bed. I’m in a hospital, groggy and confused, trying to put the pieces of the previous night together.
I turn over to my right side and wince with pain. My mom is asleep in her wheelchair, tightly grasping my arm. God she must have been so terrified.
How could I have done something like this to her, to my family again?What the fuck was I thinking?
I guess I hadn’t been. I’ve been reacting for months. Drinking, partying, gambling, getting in fights, all in an attempt to distance myself from her. The real pain that still hasn’t faded. My mom hears me shuffling in the bed and opens her eyes.
“Oh my god, Kai. You’re awake,” her voice is soft yet strained. I doubt she was able to get any sleep in the position she’s in. “How are you feeling?” she asks while squeezing my hand.
“Like absolute shit,” I reply. “Mom, I’m so—"
But I don’t get the chance to apologize, beg for forgiveness, tell her I have finally come to my senses. A tall female doctor walks in directly followed by my father. Her bright fiery hair is pulled in a tight bun, her green eyes scanning me with cursory judgement. I know what it looks like. Another idiotic, juvenile professional athlete, who thinks he’s invincible and none of the rules apply to him, on his way to a second DUI charge. Worse, I know what it actually is. Me on the verge of ruining my career because I can’t seem to get my shit together. I’m fucking pathetic.
“Kai, how are you feeling?” she greets me but it doesn’t carry any warmth.
“Kind of terrible.”
“Yeah, I would expect so. Your car collided head on with a tree on Glendale. You were unconscious when the paramedics showed up. The window shattered so you do have some lacerations on your arms and face from that. Thankfully, you were wearing your seatbelt and the airbag deployed, so you’ll have some residual bruising. You also have a few fractured ribs, but aside from that, you should be fully recovered in a couple weeks.”
