***
Thedaysblurtogether.Kendall sleeps a lot and I let her, checking in every few hours, keeping her fed and hydrated. I leave for my game and come back. We order Mexican takeout and eat it on her couch with bad television on in the background. Slowly, the color starts coming back to her face.But those clippings sit in the back of my mind the whole time, patient and waiting.
Five days later, when Kendall is almost fully recovered, I garner the nerve to ask her about what I found. She’s curled into my side, my head resting on top of hers, and I don’t want to ruin this moment. But I don’t think I can wait any longer.
“Ken?” I whisper, lowering the TV volume.
“Yeah?” She shifts beside me.
“We need to talk about something,” I reply. I look down at her and her face blanches, but she sits up responsively.
“Okay. This feels like a sitting up conversation,” she notes, unease in her voice.
“Yeah, it probably is,” I say looking down at my hands. “It’s nothing bad. I just know I won’t be able to relax until we talk about it.”
“Okay,” she whispers.
“The second day you were sick, I was searching your apartment for a book while you were sleeping. But I found a bunch of newspapers and magazine clippings, and they were all about me...” I trail off.
She nods, understanding taking hold of her features. Her lips form a thin line and at first, I think she’s angry.
“You went through my things?” But if anything, she seems curious and maybe slightly disappointed.
“I didn’t mean to. I was just looking for something to pass the time.” I turn to look at her but her arms are crossed and she refuses to meet my gaze. “I stumbled on it by accident. I swear. But I just want to know why you kept all those things.”
She sits back against her headboard and peels her knees up to her chest, curling her arms around them.
“I just need a second, Kai. To gather my thoughts,” she finally explains. She starts talking but she still isn’t looking at me, almost like it’s too painful. “I wanted to feel close to you evenwhen I couldn’t actually be close to you,” she sighs. “I wanted so badly to be there with you. You have no idea how much I missed you. And I couldn’t stop myself from admiring you from afar either. I’ve tried to watch almost every game. I wanted to support you however I could.”
I hear the subtext, everything she can’t say. She still wanted some small piece of me to be hers and she wanted to share these moments with me any way she could. I don’t think she gets it, that she fully understands. I have never not been hers. I have always belonged to her and as far as I’m concerned, she has always been mine. Every beat of my heart belongs to this beautiful, crazy, infuriating woman. But I don’t say any of that.
Instead, I deflect, trying to defuse the tension. “Couldn’t stop yourself from admiring me, huh?”
“Don’t even give me that,” she tuts. “We both know you're twice as irresistible on the ice as you are off of it. Sometimes I think you were born to play this sport, handcrafted by the hockey gods to unleash violent perfection,” she comments. I was born to play hockey, yes, but I was also born to love her. Surely, she must see that.
“Thanks, Ken,” I smirk.
She offers me a small smile. “It wasn’t just about that though. I didn’t know if I would ever see you again and I wanted Akio to know who you were and be able to truly grasp your greatness. I wanted him to understand how amazing you are,” she admits.
“I get it, Ken—“
“I don’t think you do,” she cuts me off, shaking her head. “That first game you played. I watched the entire thing. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. You were magnetic and explosive. Dwyer got MVP and it was well deserved with the shutout. But anyone who was paying attention could see you were made for this. That you were the unicorn player the Bucks had been missing. It was one of the best games of your entirecareer and you only got stronger and better from there. I was so fucking proud of you. Iamproud of you and I’m so sorry I wasn’t there,” she says, a tear sliding down her face. “But I want to be there now. I want to support you.”
Kendall had always been my biggest supporter, my best friend, and confidant. She had been there for it all, since we were kids. She attended almost every game I had in high school and college and would send me inspirational quotes and messages when some other aspect of life pulled her away from me—if only for a moment. She made me protein packed breakfasts and lunches when we were inseparable, our last year of undergrad. She knew when I needed space and when I needed to be talked off a ledge. She helped me get through panic attacks when I felt like the pressure I was under was suffocating me. And I guess when you love someone enough, unconditionally, fully, you learn how to nurture their hopes and dreams. When you’re in a meaningful, committed relationship—that for all intents and purposes is heading in the direction of forever—that’s what happens. Your dreams become their dreams and theirs become yours. I wanted so badly to have that with her again. I wanted us to pursue our goals together and build a life we were proud of, for us and for Akio. For years I had fantasized about her being fully back in my corner and now that she was, or at least wanted to be, I feltunstoppable. But that didn’t change her lived experience, and I knew her perception of things was being clouded by guilt and pain.
“Come here,” I say, pulling her into my lap. I breathe in her scent and bury my face in her neck. Her coconut body wash and the faint hint of vanilla in her hair are instantly calming. “Shh, it’s okay. Everything is going to be okay. We’re here now,” I murmur.
It’s not that I wasn’t expecting this confession, but it feels so fucking good to finally hear it out loud. That I wasn't alone inwanting to feel close to her, that I wasn’t the only one affected by our catastrophic breakup and separation. All that to say, she had missed me in the same debilitating way I had missed her, and another piece of this confusing puzzle slides into place.
I don’t say anything else. I just cradle her tightly against my chest while her tears fall.
Hours later, we’re in separate beds, in separate apartments, in different cities. We might as well be a world away from each other. When I can’t stop tossing and turning and my chest is aching from missing them, I send her a text. I want to solidify everything we talked about today. And ultimately, I want more than just the flimsy promise of the immediate future. But this version of Kendall is like a stray cat, skittish and easily spooked. One sudden move or wrong decision would send her running, even if she claims otherwise. I’m lucky she didn’t disappear when I prematurely asked her to move in with me. Time and patience have been my allies in trying to repair everything that’s broken between us. I know I have to start small and bide my time.
I’d really like it if you or you and Akio came to a game when you’re ready.
I’d love that
But what about everything I missed?
