You’ve been with me every step of the way.
And like you said we can’t go back and change things.
But we can try to move forward and take advantage of the time we have now.
Chapter 47
Kendall
Aftermusicplaygroup,Emmaand I are giving each other the play by play of our weekends. The boys are occupying themselves with toys in the kid’s section. After Emma tells me about her birthday weekend from hell, I explain how Kai took care of me when I was sick. That’s all I really have to report—my weekend was uneventful to say the least.
“You’re lucky, Kendall. They don’t make guys like him anymore you know,” she says. Seeing as how she spent the weekend suffering with her terrible ex-husband and his narcissistic family, I do not take her comment lightly. Her ex is the epitome ofif he wanted to he would. If he wanted to get better, he would. If he wanted to work through the issues in their marriage he would. If he wanted to treat her with kindness and compassion he would. But he didn’t. He doesn’t. He’s an arrogant bastard, who—on more than one occasion—has been verbally and physically abusive to her. And I know even without using her relationship as a comparison that Kai is the exception, an outlier. He’s one in a million. It’s evident in his words, his touch, and the way he looks at me. Even in especially hardmoments, he has always treated my heart with care. He isn’t perfect but he’s perfectfor me. Flawed but still whole. And that’s the kind of love Emma deserves. She absolutely deserves better than the very little her ex had to offer.
“They really really don’t,” I respond, sitting in the red velvet chair across from her.
“Excuse me, I don’t mean to barge in on your conversation, but are you talking about Kai as in Kai Matsumoto? The professional hockey player?” Veronica asks and I already know the words that follow will be dripping with venom. That and I’ll be unlikely to forget them.
“Yes, we are. But with all due respect, Veronica, this is a private conversation,” I reply flippantly. Emma and I try to angle our bodies away from her but she stalks closer instead.
“Well then maybe you shouldn’t be having it in a public place,” she sneers. “I was just surprised to hear you're dating him, that’s all. You aren’t really his type.”God, I wish I could slap that smug look off her face.
“And why is that?” I bristle, simmering with rage and disbelief.
“I mean everyone knows he’s a notorious fuckboy who doesn’t do monogamy. And the last serious relationship he had was with a super model. I should know, Leighton’s practically family.”
“Right.” I mean, what else could I say? Our relationship isn’t a secret but it isn’t exactly public knowledge either. But I can’t understand why I feel like I even owe her an explanation. And she isn’t entirely wrong, the slate of women he’d been with while we were broken up were painfully beautiful, devastatingly gorgeous, and sex personified.
“I mean no offense, Kendall, you’re very pretty but you’re not exactly a supermodel,” she observes snidely.
“Yeah, imagine a handsome professional athlete dating a mere mortal like me, who’s at worst a California 5 and at best a Boston 7,” I scoff. But our relationship doesn’t need defining and it certainly doesn’t require an explanation—not to her of all people.
Still, her words reverberate throughout my head and rattle around in my skull hours after I leave the library. Not to mention I keep getting tripped up on that name. Leighton.Leighton, Leighton. Why did that name sound so fucking familiar?
After Akio falls asleep, I type in the name into Instagram. I choose the second certified Leighton, Leighton Carraway, and everything clicks into place. The ball of unease churning in my gut starts to solidify.
Chapter 48
Kendall
2017
IpromisedmyselfwhenIagreed to help my parents move that I wouldn’t even contemplate reaching out to Kai or walking over to his house unannounced. Yet here I am, sitting in the driveway of what used to be my childhood home and I’m glued to the spot. I’ve been in my car staring at the garage through my windshield for the past twenty minutes. Stuck between the desire to flee this place that holds so many happy memories of Kai and I and the gut wrenching, soul crushing ache to talk to him.
Moments later, a car,his car, pulls into his parents’ driveway across the street. My mind is made up. If this isn’t divine, cosmic intervention, I have no idea what it is. I duck quickly so he can’t catch me stalking him and slink into my back seat. When my head resurfaces, my heart drops into my stomach. Kai exits his brand new BMW but he isn’t alone. Shortly after, a gorgeous, slender woman emerges from the passenger side. They walk into his parents’ house, his arm casually slung around her shoulder and my breath catches in my throat.
Fuckkkkk. He’s dating?He has a girlfriend, one that is so serious she’s meeting his parents?I’ve deliberately stayed off of social media so that I wouldn’t have news of his post breakup life thrown in my face at every turn. Every once in a while, a story or tabloid would pop up about him leaving a hotel or bar with a new woman. But that is not what this is. What I’ve just witnessed seemed unfathomable up until now.
I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating inside my tiny shitbox of a car. This is not how I fucking die, I refuse. I shove open the rear door violently and gasp, taking a deep lungful of crisp fall air.
I have to get closer. I have to see for myself what this relationship is or isn’t. I creep along the edge of my car, low to the ground, and move quickly to the large oak tree in our front yard. I cross the street with haste and sprint to Kai’s sleek SUV, careful not to set off his alarm. It’s just a few more feet and then I’m positioned in front of the hedges that line their wide dining room window.
God, am I really doing this? Am I really this desperate and heartbroken?I feel so stupid, so incredibly immature and yet I can’t prevent myself from looking, from needing to know.
I raise my head a millimeter and chance a look into the dining room. They’re all in the kitchen, picking on appetizers and talking. Kai’s dad opens a bottle of wine, offering it to Kai and his date, and I cringe internally. I can’t hear Kai’s response but I see his jaw tick—he looks bothered, frustrated. The way he typically is when he interacts with his dad. If she notices, she doesn’t give anything away. His date accepts the glass of wine with a smile, while she laughs at a remark Anela, Kai’s mom, makes. Kai goes back to studying something intensely on his phone, completely ignoring the conversation happening around him.
Maybe he isn’t as into her as I thought?
But that notion dies a quick death when she lovingly wraps her petite arms around his waist and rests her head on his chest. He responds by giving her a kiss on the cheek and I have to stifle the urge to vomit.Mine, my whole body wants to scream.Mine, my splintered soul sobs. But he isn’t mine and he hasn’t been for a while.
