“Well, that’s easy. We grew up next door to each other. He moved into the house across the street from mine when I was five. We’ve been best friends ever since, at least for most of that time.” She nods while writing down notes.
“And what was that like growing up together, living across the street from your best friend?” she asks, looking between both of us.
“The best. It was amazing,” Kai answers before I can. “I’m incredibly lucky she was my neighbor,” he notes, smiling at me.
“And why is that?” she wonders.
“I was a shy kid; making friends wasn’t easy for me. Kendall became my friend instantly, took me under her wing. She always had my back and I never felt like I had to try to be anyone other than myself with her,” he admits. At this I smile back. It’s wide and toothy and impossible to contain.
Kai has weaknesses and insecurities just like any other guy, but unlike most other men, he faces them head on, acknowledging them, weaponizing them, and spinning them into gold. He knows how to make up for what he lacks and how to grow in the dark, untended places that need love and sunlight. Kai is beautiful, god is he beautiful. But what makes him irresistible in my opinion, and sometimes hard to look away from, is his tender heart and emotional vulnerability.
He recounts our history on Sycamore Lane together fondly. Summers spent at the lake, under the stars, being at each other’s houses more often than our own, begging our parents to sign us up for the same sports and extracurricular activities. Just so we didn’t have to spend any additional time without each other. I fill her in on our awkward teenage years, the trio formed between Kai, Jenna and I, middle school dances, summers spent vacationing with both our families.
“So, you two became very close friends it sounds like. When did your relationship evolve from platonic to romantic?”
“The summer before our senior year of high school,” I answer.
“That may have been when it started for Kendall, but I had been harboring a very large crush on her since seventh grade. I think I knew I loved her before I even knew what love was,” he laughs. I feel tears brimming my eyes but for some reason, I don’t let them fall.
“That’s a long time to wait for someone. Grades seven through eleven?” She blows a breath out her mouth. “You must have been very patient.”
“I was. She was also worth the wait.”Does this man know he is single-handedly helping me repair my inner child? Is he aware that my love language was built by him, for him, around him?
Magdalena’s calm voice cuts through my inner monologue. “So, making the transition from friends to romantic partners, what was that like?”
“Easy and hard. Amazing and terrifying,” I respond as honestly as I can. Kai nods his head and I know at least on this we agree.
“Can you say a little more about that, Kendall?”
“We were both terrified that being together would ruin our friendship and that was a big risk.”
“But one that you both deemed important enough to take?” she hedges and we both nod.
“Looking back now, knowing everything you know now. Do you still think it was worth the risk? Put differently, if you could go back in time and not fall for each other, make it so that you never ended up together, would you?”
“The question is irrelevant, because there is no way I could know him and not fall in love with him,” I say, a tear finally escaping and sliding down my cheek. “The thought of not experiencing what it’s like to love and be loved by him is too painful to even conceive. But to answer your question more accurately, this portion of us, our beginning, no I wouldn’t change a single thing about that.”
Kai takes my hand in his and replies, “Me either.”
“It looks like that’s all the time we have for today. I feel like we’ve laid some really great groundwork here,” she responds.
Damn, she’s good.Toogood. We leave her office and I feel both heavier and lighter than when I first arrived over an hour ago. The sweet spot of cognitive behavior therapy I suppose. For the first time, I’m somewhat hopeful that maybe we can heal all the things that need mending.
***
Whenwe’rebackinKai’s car, I turn to look at him and he kisses me on the forehead.
“That went well I think, right?” he comments, and I can’t tell if it’s a question or a statement.
“I think so.” I look down to where I’ve interlocked our fingers. “I didn’t know about all of that when we were kids. I mean, I knew you had a hard time making friends at your old school but that was kind of the extent of my knowledge.” He sighs and lays another kiss on my knuckles.
“I didn’t exactly run around advertising it either. And I don’t even think I knew how to articulate it until now. But I knew if I could win you over, convince someone like you to be friends with me, maybe I’d have a fighting chance, maybe school here wouldn’t be as bad as I thought. And I was right. I could be myself. Shy, introverted, anxious. I had permission to be terrified because you were fucking fearless and eventually that made me want to be fearless too.”
God, I wish I could see myself through his eyes.I don’t even remember the last time I felt fearless, brave, sure of myself.
“Kai?”
“Hmm?” he murmurs, piercing me with a thoughtful gaze.
