“Nice deflection, Kai.”
“Ken,” I say quietly.
“Whatever. Just go home. I’ll see you tomorrow for the tag sale I guess.”
I have officially fucked up. I run through the scenario a million times as I walk back to my house. Kendall and I rarely fight—but this feels like a fight to me. I should have just kept my mouth shut. Why did I listen to Jenna? Freaking Jenna always has to stir the pot and keep things interesting. But I would deal with her later. One problem at a time. Things were so simple before I started daydreaming about Kendall and punching guys on the team for wanting to sleep with her. They are messy now. The lines are blurred. We had made a pact. She’s the only person who gets me. Like really gets me and still chooses to hang out with me. I don’t think whatever this is or could be is worth jeopardizing our friendship.
Chapter 52
Kai
Therapyhasbeenilluminating,at least for me. It would be all too easy to get caught up solely on the snags and mistakes made in the past couple years without acknowledging the first seventeen before that. Our childhood and the five years we were together were nothing short of perfection. But I know eventually we’ll have to break down and analyze where we went wrong. Examine the fallout and the parts we played in it. We have a lot of complicated terrain to traverse, but if today’s session is any indication, I know we will come out of it stronger.
When we get back to Kendall’s apartment, I convince her to take the evening and do something for herself. I decide to take Akio for ice cream, our first solo outing together. Kendall bends down to hug and kiss him before she leaves and my heart squeezes.
“I love you baby,” she coos.
“Love you too, Mama,” he says while practically crushing her neck with a hug. She rises and turns to me.
“Well, I guess I’m off. I shouldn’t be longer than two hours. You guys will be okay?” she asks.
“Yes, Ken. We’ll be fine. I will send you constant updates,” I promise, grasping her arms in my hands. She gives me a peck on the lips and smiles against my mouth.
“Okay, thanks for doing this, Kai. I’ll see you guys later.”
“We’ll see you later,” I kiss her back. “I promise to tire him out so bedtime is a breeze.”
“You really know how to sweet talk a girl, Kai,” she responds, walking out the door.
Ten minutes later, Akio is safely placed in his car seat that looks a little ridiculous contrasted with the sleek leather interior of my Audi. Once I triple check all the straps are tightened and he’s secure, I slide into the driver's seat. I realize this is the first time I’ve driven with him alone and it’s a little destabilizing. But it’s also exciting to have this time to bond with him.
“Who wants ice cream?” I ask emphatically.
“Meeee!” Akio yells from the back seat. I watch in the car mirror as he plays with one of his Spider-Man toys and I drive 15 below the speed limit the entire way to the ice cream shop. I carry him on one hip into the store while he chants something that closely resemblesice cream,but I’m not entirely sure. We open the front door and the bell overhead dings. The scent of sugar, vanilla, and waffle cone waft over to me, instantly transporting me back to my childhood. Every school event, sports game, and accomplishment growing up was celebrated at Rocco’s. I’m thrilled to share this tradition with Akio.
While we wait in line, I pick him up so he can see all the flavors and I read a few of them off slowly. “Vanilla, chocolate, peanut butter, mint chocolate chip…hmm, I think I’m going to get mint chocolate chip. What about you?” I ask, turning my head to him.
He smiles and claps. “Mint chip! Mint chip!”
“Okay, are you sure, bud?” I don’t want him to copy my order just to be disappointed. Especially if he wants something alittle more palatable for a toddler. But then I realize maybe he’s always liked this flavor and maybe he does because I do. Maybe ice cream preferences are a weirdly inherited trait. Stranger things have happened. He nods his head enthusiastically.
“Two mint chocolate chips in a cone please,” I say to the gangly teenager behind the counter.
When it’s our turn to pay, I put Akio on the ground to retrieve my wallet and he slips his tiny hand in my free one. He waits quietly, humming to himself and observing everything happening around him. I give the woman at the register a twenty and tell her to keep the change.
“Thanks so much, that’s very generous. And your son is adorable,” she replies.
We sit at a round table shoved into the front corner of the store and eat our ice creams together. Half of his drips down his face and onto his bright blue and yellow rugby shirt, the other half melting in the cone. I try to get ahead of it by cleaning him up with napkins and wipes every couple minutes, but I guess this is life with a toddler. Active chaos and a never-ending mess at all times.
A warm fuzzy feeling seeps into my chest as he beams at me with delight, ice cream in his hair and smeared across his eyebrows.How did he manage to get ice cream there?
But that cozy feeling starts to dissipate when he looks at me and says, “Thanks Kai Kai.” Because that’s who I am to him. I’m Kai Kai, his mom’s “good friend,” a welcome face at their apartment, and a man who has infiltrated their lives cautiously but not completely. And I want to be more than that. I want to be his dad and I want him to know he’smy son. It hits me like a sudden violent force. I know Kendall wants to handle this delicately and doesn’t want to confuse him. This situation,oursituation is complicated and difficult to explain, especially tosomeone his age. But I also feel like it’s time he knows, even if he doesn’t fully understand.
I just hope Kendall can empathize with me. I’m not confident in my ability to reign in this overwhelming paternal instinct. It’s washing over me like a hurricane. I want to be both protector and provider for them and the drive to love him and guide him is all encompassing. It’s ready to leave destruction in its wake, but like storms often do, it’s also poised to bring a renewed sense of clarity.
I hope it’s the latter.
***
