“Okay. I’ll try.”
“What do you two need from each other in this moment? Is there anything you need to hear from each other?” Magdalena asks both of us.
Kai turns to me slowly. “Kendall, I need to know that you’re okay and that if you ever feel like you’re in a dark place again, you’ll tell me so I can help you.”
“I’m okay, Kai. I promise. And if I get into a bad headspace again, I’ll be open with you about it. I do think a lot of it was situational and I know I’m in a much better place now.”
“What about you, Kendall? Is there anything you need from Kai?”
I swallow. “I know what I need to hear but I can’t ask for it and I sure as hell don’t deserve it,” I admit. I can feel Kai move closer to me on the couch, his hand grasping mine.
“Ken, I forgive you. And honestly, I think a piece of me forgave you a long time ago. I’m not mad, I'm not angry. I’m not bitter over it anymore. We're okay. We’re better than okay because now I know how we got here.”
“Before our session ends, is there anything else you want or need to share about that time in your life?” Magdalena asks us.
Kai clears his throat. “Who I was back then, the things I did. That wasn’t me. I mean it was but it was also pain, grief. I was trying so hard not to feel those things. It’s in no way a reflection of how I felt about you,” he concedes.
“And how did you feel about her? If you could use one word?” Magdalena prompts him.
“Love,” he answers immediately.
It’s not an admission. Not exactly. But it’s pretty fucking close. It’s a very simple answer to a terribly complicated question. I’ve never yearned to hear three little words more. Ihave never wanted to hear them less. I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, everything I’ve ever wanted in my life and with Kai at the bottom. But I’m not sure I’ll survive the jump, this incredible leap of faith. It’s jumping and hoping to god we land on solid ground this time, that our newly built foundation could survive the impact. Not that it matters; I’m already falling for him or perhaps back in love with him. But how honest is that really? Because to fall back in love with him, it implies I fell out of it to begin with. And the simple truth is that Ineverstopped loving him. Not for a second.
“Kendall, what about you? Anything else you feel needs to be said?” she presses.
I turn my body towards him and take his hand in mine. “Kai, if I could go back and fix things, I would. I know I nearly ruined years of friendship and five years of love. Love that we built and worked hard for and cultivated together. I know that. I wouldn’t change everything because Akio was going to come whether we were prepared for him or not and we weren’t prepared,” I smile. “But blowing us up, reducing us to ash, running away. I wouldn’t make that choice again. I would fight for us. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t brave enough before, that I hurt you like that.”
***
Everyonceinawhile, there are things that don’t get addressed in therapy. Things that we leave unsaid and unknown. And most of the time, we let them go because we don’t want to beat a dead horse. We don’t want to push harder than we already have. For Kai, I could sense the not knowing was gnawing at him.
A few days later, while Akio is napping and we’re lying in bed together, he asks me something I suspect has been eating athim for years. He’s sitting up on his side, his head resting on his elbow, staring at me in a way I don’t know I’ll ever get used to.
“Ken, I need to know something,” he comments while he traces the lines of my palm and I hear the trepidation in his voice. “You said you missed me a few days ago. That you realized shortly after you left that you had made a mistake. Did you ever think about coming back and telling me the truth sooner?”I see the hope in his face. I can feel the breath he is holding. The only thing I can be is honest here.
“Of course I did. Every day. I went to your house once and I planned on begging for forgiveness and telling you everything. But I saw you with your girlfriend at the time and I just couldn’t do it. I lost the nerve,” I confess. Saying it out loud, reliving the whole thing years later almost feels worse than the actual experience. He looks relieved though and he deserves that. Relief. Comfort.Peace. I’m starting to understand I do too.
“My girlfriend?” he asks, trying to work something out in his head.
“Leighton? The supermodel? The leggy blonde bombshell?” All incredibly obvious, accurate identifiers. Not to mention she’s a woman that I imagine would be hard to forget. But it’s abundantly clear he’s still trying to remember who I’m talking about. And it hits me that the stock I put in their relationship was not the same as his.
“Oh right. She’s just someone I dated to get my parents and teammates off my back. They knew I was miserable over our breakup,” he responds nonchalantly.
“But I saw you guys together…” I trail off.
But what did I really see? A happy couple or just the image Kai had needed to portray to the world?
“Kendall, you saw someone I dated once and she happened to be one of many girls I slept with to keep a lid on my pain. It was a mask. A distraction to get you out of my head, which clearlydidn’t work by the way,” he smiles. “I don’t even remember being with her because all I could think about at that time was you.”
How could I have been so wrong? How many nights had I laid awake crying over what I witnessed in that kitchen?Wondering if the beginning of him and Leighton signaled the end of me and Kai. Distraught over what I would never have with him. So much fucking time wasted. And isn’t that what it all boiled down to in the end? Time. Time Kai would never get back with Akio. Time Kai and I could never reclaim. All we have left is what we choose to do with our time now.
And I’m not about to spend one more second not making the most of it.
Chapter 59
Kendall
hey question
