Every unbidden thought threatens to burst out of my mouth but somehow, I tamp them all down. All that comes out is a series of apologies.
“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t where I said I was. I’m sorry that I lied. I’m sorry that I broke us. I’m just so fucking sorry,” I cry. I don’t know if I’m apologizing to him or myself. Probably both.
“Shh, it’s okay, Ken. It’s okay,” he promises, kissing my forehead. His arms surround me. Steady and strong. Loving and warm. His solid chest pressed against my cheek is the onlycomfort I need. His voice an anchor in the storm. I’m still not entirely convinced I deserve him. But I love him anyway. I kiss him again, this time on the lips and it quickly becomes heated, passionate,desperate. I nip his bottom lip playfully and a growl erupts from his throat. He grips me underneath my thighs, lifting me up as my legs wrap around his trim waist. We’re a tangled, chaotic, beautiful mess. Each of us trying frantically to get as much of our hands and lips on the other. I pull back from him breathlessly. I’m like a moth drawn to a flame and I’m ready to burn myself for him, ignite. Consequences be damned.
“Kai. I need you. I need all of you. I don’t think I can wait any longer. I know we made a pact and we promised to wait, but we’ve been going to therapy and it does feel like we’re making progress. And I know we're trying to uncomplicate things. But I’ve come to accept things with us are never not going to be complicated but they’re always going to be worth it. If you still want to wait, that's okay, I’ll respect whatever choice you make.” I peer into his eyes and there’s something firm and immovable there. It seems like a spur of the moment decision to throw sex into the mix and hope it doesn’t destroy everything we’ve managed to repair. But it isn’t, not at all. This moment has been quietly building, thrumming just beneath the surface since I first laid eyes on him four months ago. Since I walked away from him three years ago.
“Ken. I want this. I want you,” he responds, clear eyed and confident. My heart starts racing, my pulse picking up speed. There is no going back after this.
“Are you sure?” I whisper.
“Yes. Fuck the pact,” he confirms before crashing his mouth to mine. The four most glorious words in the English language. He backs me up until I’m planted against the wall, my feet off the ground molding my core to his. He starts rocking his hips into me and his hand glides underneath my shirt. The pressure, thefriction is too much and not entirely enough. I want all of him. I want to feel him everywhere. I rip my sweatshirt up and over my head, my hair elastic coming free in the process. My hair falls in tight curls around my bare shoulders.
“Ken, you are so fucking beautiful,” he whispers, my jaw in his hand.
“Mhm,” I murmur, eager to kiss him again.
“I’m serious,” he says.
“I know.” I reach into his boxers to grip his length and start stroking him slowly.
“Fuck, Ken,” he says, resting his forehead on my shoulder. “I’m not gonna last long if you do that. And Iwantthis to last. I want to go slow the first time. Because I know I won’t be able to later.”
I’m distracted momentarily by the bright lights that compose the skyline outside his large picture windows.
“Kai,” I murmur, “This view is breathtaking.”
He nips my jaw playfully, trying to direct my focus back to him. “My view certainly is,” he muses as he swipes his tongue from my collarbone to my chin. He has my undivided attention again.
“Respectfully, Kendall, the only view I’m concerned about is your breathtaking face while you come apart on my cock because I’m buried so deep inside of you, okay?”
Good lord.
Then he carries me—in between hot, intoxicating kisses—half stumbling half laughing to his bedroom.
When we were just hooking up before—when the pact was still very much standing—things were easy. Playful. But now that I’m standing directly in front of him, in nothing but my underwear, my nerves start to creep in. I have my hands crossed in front of my breasts, as if that could possibly help me now. His eyes scan the length of my body with longing and fervor.
“What’s wrong? Where’d you go?” Kai asks, grasping my chin between his index finger and thumb and tipping it towards him.
“I’m just a little nervous I guess. You haven’t seen all of me since before I had Akio and my C-section,” I admit, twirling the end of a curl around my finger anxiously. His gorgeous sable eyes study me, rooting me to the spot.
“Did you forget our little shower excursion or when you had the flu?” he teases.
“I know but that was different. We were just hooking up before. This with you is…” I struggle to come up with the right words.Daunting. Intimidating. Everything.
“I thought we talked about this. I love your body, Ken. It drives me insane. As evidenced by the raging hard on I have right now,” he smirks. He stalks forward, engulfing my body with his. The heat from his body rolls off of him in waves, igniting a flame in mine. His lips are on my throat, warm and patient, his right hand splayed across my lower back.
“You want me to beg? I will. I have no problem begging,” he whispers. His other hand is gripping my neck while his lips glide over my shoulders and collarbone. He worships my hardened nipples with his tongue and teeth first. He kisses the smattering of freckles beneath my sternum, my stomach, my hips. It sends shivers careening down my spine. His mouth and hands move down downdown. His touch cascading across my skin in a delicate, tantalizing dance. It makes my blood heat. I’m melting into a pool of lust. I’m certain I’ll come before he’s even inside me. He’s kneeling in front of me now.
“You want me on my knees? I’m there,” he murmurs, pressing his soft lips to the thin fabric of my underwear.Holy shit.
He slides his teeth over my clit and it’s enough to rip a strangled keening cry from my throat. “Please, Ken, let me see you. All of you. Let me own your pleasure. I want to watch youunravel. Let me see this beautiful perfect body that gave us our son.” His voice is rough, hoarse, pleading. He kisses my thighs, kneading them with his hands, his mouth dangerously close to where I need him most. Then he glances up at me, his dark eyes burning into mine before he tugs my underwear to the side and brushes his lips to my sex. All my fears, doubts, and insecurities float away on a cloud of lust.
“Please.” That’s all it takes. One word and his long capable tongue against my throbbing bundle of nerves. My desire for him explodes like a supernova. I move backwards onto the bed and drag his body on top of mine. My hand moves down to trace his chiseled abs and back into his boxers.
“Kai, why are you still wearing these?” I ask, yanking the thin material down his legs.
“I have no idea,” he replies, unceremoniously shucking them off and over the side of the bed. Though he takes sweet, torturous time removing mine. Our mouths collide again with feverish, hungry kisses. He moves his mouth to my breast, careful to give each one the amount of attention it deserves. His tongue is slow and languid as it caresses my nipple.
