“Is that enough for you?”
“It should be.”
He could see her lips tremble slightly, and his heart ached.“But it isn’t?”he asked.
“I’m sorry,” she finally said in a measured, solemn tone; it was almost as if she was exhausted and ready to release whatever was bothering her.“I just feel like when you love me, it comes with so many expectations.You’re just…” her voice trailed off, but she took a deep breath and continued, “Damn it.You’re just so perfect, Rafa.I know it’s not your fault, but sometimes, I don’t think I match the ideal you have for our relationship.”
“I’ve never forced you to do anything you didn’t want to.”He wanted to reach for her hand and squeeze it like they always did when they needed reassurance from the other, but something in the way she turned away from him made him hesitate.
“You didn’t have to.”She sniffed.“It was all implied.”
“By whom?”
“By you, by your family—”
“What about my family?”he interjected defensively.“They’ve been nothing but kind to you.”
“I know.Which makes this so much worse.My love, I knew that marrying you would come with expectations.Just meeting your family and seeing your business, and all that rested on your shoulders, I knew what I had to do, and who I had to be if I were to marry you.I know you expect me to move to Medina.I know you were hoping to run your family business with me, and I know you want children.But you never asked me if I wanted those things too, did you?You just assumed I did,” she said as though she had let out a secret she had long kept to herself.
Rafa felt an invisible wall rise between them that he could not penetrate.Sal had said many things he wasn’t expecting to hear, but the one that concerned him the most had to be addressed: “You don’t want children?”
“No,” she said, looking straight into his eyes, “at least not in the next few years.”
He took a deep breath and tried to think of a time when Sal had ever made him feel like she was unsure of having a family of their own.She never challenged him or disagreed when the topic came up, even though he always discussed his dreams and his hopes for both of them.He just thoughtlessly assumed she wanted the same thing.“You never told me, Sal…”
“I did.I tried,” she said.
“When?”he asked.
“Many times!”she responded, sounding exasperated.He could be dense, he knew, but he wasn’t doing it on purpose.She continued, “Like when one of your godchildren had her first birthday party, and I told you I felt uneasy holding her…or whenever you say you love that baby name for a little girl, and I have no comment or show no interest.”
“Sal…” Rafa started, “you have to tell me these things.I’m not that good at picking up hints.”
“But you’re so good at negotiating and knowing the little things I like…” she said, her voice soft.“But it’s not the same thing, is it?I could never tell you straight that I can’t give you what you want, but I just love you so much.And I knew if I said no to the proposal, that we’d break up.I didn’t want to be without you.”She bit her lip and looked at him.“This is all on me.I should have worked up the courage to tell you and not let it reach this point with Harmon.”
Rafa shook his head.“We didn’t communicate what we wanted clearly, so…I’m asking you now, what do you want?”he asked and gripped the mattress, hoping he could accept whatever Sal would answer.
“For now, I just want a life that’s mine.Where I’m not pressured to have kids, where I can focus on my work, and discover myself.”
“So having kids isn’t part of the plan, ever?”he asked nervously.
“For now, maybe not,” Sal replied, looking heartbroken.
He balked for a second, then regained his composure.“I would give up anything if it meant being by your side.”He meant it, but his heart was breaking for what he had hoped for.They were getting older, and he wanted to have a family.
Sal looked crestfallen.“Rafa, I’m sure you don’t mean that.”She shook her head and wiped away a tear.“You deserve someone who also wants what you want.”
Rafa leaned forward, panicked at the thought that she was slipping away.“There is nothing I want more than a life with you.”
Sal squared her shoulders as though strengthening herself.“Yes, but…living a life knowing that you gave up something huge just to be with me would make me feel guilty, and you would just grow resentful.”She inclined her body toward his.He took sight of her flushed cheeks, shattered at the reality that she might leave this conversation no longer his.
His heart was aching, but his mind—the mind of a business owner who had gone through high-pressure negotiations—was sound.Sal made a reasonable argument about their relationship.So Rafa did what he did best.He negotiated.“All right,” he stated with eyes lowered, still feeling dejected, “I think we both need time.I’ll help you set up the art show.But after that, we’ll have to decide together.Until then, let’s…” he paused before continuing, “let’s take a breather.”
He wanted to give her the space to think without the pressure of marriage, the pressure of children, and although it pained him to admit it, he would have to withdraw from her as well so she could have some room to breathe.
“Does this mean we are breaking up?”Sal asked, her voice weak and cracking.
“Yes,” he said, unable to meet her eyes.“Do what you need to figure out what you want,” he said, still dispirited.He then looked up at her, pulling in whatever sense of self-pride he had left.“Just please, Sal, if you want to stay with me, don’t stay with me because of guilt, don’t stay with me because you feel sorry for me.Don’t do that to me.Stay with me—marry me because you want to, fully.The same way I fully choose you.”
