“All right,” he said softly.
“You won’t like it.”
His brow pinched, but he waited patiently.
Evylin took a deep breath. “When this is all over, if we could have any life, what would you want it to look like?”
Deckard pressed his lips together. A flutter of agitation and confusion melded around him, but resignation broke through a mere moment later. “I don’t know,” he said. “Whatever you wanted to do, wherever you wanted to go, I’d be happy.”
Evylin bit her tongue and fought down her irritation at his overinflated sense of goodwill. “I appreciate the sentiment, Jonn, but that’s not what I’m asking. I want to know what lifeyouwant. I want your answer, not mine.”
“Why is it so wrong of me to want what you want?” he asked gently. “Why can’t I wish to give you your dreams?”
“Youhavegiven me my dreams.” She motioned to Ryen’s headstone. “You’ve given meourdreams. Now, I’d like to give you yours.”
“I don’t have any,” he said, and she knew it was a lie. But he held her gaze so adamantly she knew he must think it the truth. “Making you happy is all I desire.”
Evylin didn’t have a response. She felt the same. After living out her and Ryen’s dream, after going on her grand adventure, she found herself decidedly underwhelmed by the reality of it.She’d kept her promise. Now, she was ready for something new. The problem was that she didn’t know what she wanted. And she felt it was only right that Deckard be selfish for once in his life.
But Deckard would continue to be selfishly selfless. He wouldn’t assert his desires because he felt it was wrong to do so. No matter how much she prodded or pleaded, he was rigid in his sacrificial stance.
So she’d have to push him.
“What if what makes me happy is accepting the position at the head of Allund’s government?” she said in a calm tone.
A flare of worry he couldn’t hide filled the air between them, and Deckard scanned her warily. “Is that what you want?” he asked.
Evylin shrugged. “I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t have all the information. But what if, after this is over and they’ve explained the role, I decide it sounds fun? What if I request that you become ruler beside me? Would you be happy then?”
Deckard’s jaw tightened as he turned away in thought. She studied his profile. His jawline was peppered with scruff. He’d begun shaving each morning again, returning to the routine of a soldier’s life. He liked routines. He liked orderliness. He liked control.
Evylin smiled affectionately. She disrupted his life in so many ways. Perhaps that was necessary to force him to grow, just as he had forced her to grow. She trusted now because of his steadiness and stability. She wasn’t afraid of loss because she knew that loving fully—loving sacrificially as he did—was the only way to truly be happy.
It was her turn to help him.
“Jonn,” she whispered tenderly, “I want the truth. I want to knowyourheart.”
Deckard closed his eyes, pulling in a deep breath. When he exhaled heavily, she felt his tense demeanor ease. His eyes methers, and they were a cool blue with hardly any green left in them. “My heart only desires you,” he said. “If you asked it of me, yes, I would become ruler beside you. But if it were my choice alone?” He shook his head gently. “I wouldn’t take it.”
Evylin cupped his cheek, leaning in close. “Then we won’t take it.”
Deckard’s brow pinched. “What if they don’t give us a choice?”
“What if we die in the Terrae Keep two days from now?” she returned. “What if we fail to defeat Blount? What if the Alliance isn’t everything they pretend to be?”
She kissed the furrow between his brows. “Those questions don’t matter, Jonn, because we can’t know the answers until they come. And we’ll figure it out together when they do.”
“And what if they attempt to force us?” he asked tiredly. “Will we reject them, no matter the consequences?”
“I suppose so.”
Deckard stared at her, a flitter of reluctance stirring the air.
Internally, Evylin took it as a confirmation of Thom’s earlier words. Deckardwasn’tas opposed to this appointment as he said. He wanted it, but he denied himself as a point of pride. Yet, the part of him who desired to be Sergus lurked beneath, itching to take the role. He wanted the responsibility he feared. He wanted to prove his worth. He was just too scared to admit it.
“All right,” Deckard said, a heaviness in his posture. “We won’t accept it.”
Evylin nodded, but she knew within her heart that their future was still undecided. And her husband would not be happy until he let himself be loved, no matter how selfish it seemed.
