I sit on the edge of the bed, squirming slightly to have him so close, to have him say my name aloud. ‘Maybe.’ I take a deep breath and look over at my laptop. Sadness overwhelms me.If I don’t have work, what else do I have?And to have that feeling float to the surface is all at once depressing and isolating. ‘Can I ask a favour?’ I say to Ben. ‘You can tell me if it’s weird or not, but can I hug you?’
He pauses for a moment. ‘I guess?’ he replies, his face crinkled with confusion. ‘If that’s what you want but?—’
Before he can finish his sentence, I wrap my arms around him, threading my hands straight through his armpits, resting my hands on his back and my forehead on his chest, looking away from his face. He hugs me back, allowing me to squeeze him tightly.
‘You OK there?’ he asks.
‘Yes. You’re very warm,’ I mumble. I have no idea what to do because I’m deeply in need of contact, of just being near someone, but I think back to what he said about looking after me. I’ve likely read too much into that. He meant look after like make me cups of tea. Not in any other way.What has become of my mind? Why does he smell so good? Why can I feel him breathing?I panic. I release the hug and push him lightly away. ‘I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.’
Ben falls back on the bed, knocking over the gift bag Miguel gave me.
‘Are you OK?’ I say, taking a moment. ‘That was too much. I’m just…I don’t know.’
Why does he look so shocked?He reaches down, having landed awkwardly on the mattress but not before whipping out something from behind his back.Is that a…dildo? A rather large dildo.My breath catches in my throat and I cup my hands to my mouth.
Ben’s eyes widen like saucers. ‘Whoa, hold up there.’
‘It’s not… it’s not mine.’
‘It’s on your bed?—’
‘But it was behind your back,’ I say, panicked. Wondering if he had it hiding down his shorts. It’s massive.How would that fit in anyone?I can’t say any of this out loud. ‘I honestly have no idea what that is.’
‘Well, I hope you do know what it is,’ he says, giggling.
And with that I laugh. It’s born out of shock, horror, pure hysterics but it’s nice to feel it in my bones, to feel a bit lighter.And for a small moment I can’t hear my computer pinging with messages. I can’t hear it at all.
14
BEN
‘Miguel. When you said gift bags, I thought you were going to give them some toiletries, chocolates, a candle,’ I tell him as we stand by the swimming pool.
‘Candles? You don’t want them to light candles in the villa, it’s a fire danger,’ he says, looking horrified.
‘And sex toys were the next best bet, were they?’ I ask cheekily.
I don’t know what has happened in the last hour. One moment I was taking water to Chloe in her room, the next she asked me for a hug and there was something incredibly sweet about that (even though, let’s be honest, she was a bit greasy from the olive oil) – that she just wanted to be close to someone. And I’ll admit that after years of being knee-deep in the restaurant, it was also a strange release to be physically close to someone, to feel connection. But then quite a large dildo got in the way; it was honestly colossal.
‘I told you I had a friend with a shop in town,’ Miguel tells me.
‘“Shop” is quite a vague term. Is it a sex shop?’ I whisper, even though we are the only people out here.
‘You are so rude. It is a nice shop. She also sells clothes.’
‘I will assume these clothes have tassels and are crotchless,’ I say.
‘I wouldn’t know,’ Miguel replies, winking at me.
I close my eyes momentarily to remove that image from my head. ‘Plus, they were sizeable items you put in there. You had no idea how the women would react,’ I tell him. ‘They could have run away in absolute disgust.’
‘But they didn’t. I heard no one object. I know I am a homosexual but how often are women given gifts like that? Not from their husbands, that is for sure. There are all sorts of treats in there, somelubricante, the plug for the butt, this buzzer thing, the clamp for thepezones.’
‘Pezones?’ I ask.
Miguel squeezes his nipples to show me what they are. ‘They have their own rooms, they can explore and experiment. No shame, all the fun.’
I look up at the rooms. We may never see them again then. I saw the size of that dildo and it was built like a healthy cucumber. I’m now worried that I don’t have enough batteries in the house.
