“Okay…” She twists her body, resting her chin on her arm as she lays on my chest.
Every muscle in my body tenses as I take in her beautiful face. Her hair’s a mess and there’s not a stitch of makeup to cover the light freckles that pepper her nose. I’ve noticed them darkening with each game she goes to.
I can’t ignore the voice in my head that tells me to just bury the ugly truth of my family. I know Mia thinks nothing would change the way she sees me, but there’s a difference between blind trust and true transparency.
If we’re going to do this, she needs to know—but equally so, I need to let it out. If I’m going to do this and be the husband and father I want to be…then I can’t let my father have any power over me.
“The reason I no longer talk to my parents and why I don’t want our child around them is specifically because of my dad. My mom wasn’t innocent by any means, but my dad was verbally and emotionally abusive to Callie and me. He was also…physically abusive to me.”
“Adam, you don’t have to do this if you don’t?—”
My grip on her tenses. It’s so tempting, but I can’t. This needs to happen.
“Yes, I do. It’s okay, I want to. These last few days have been a lot, but there’s no way in hell I could get on that plane in a few hours and not spend the entire two weeks thinking about this—knowing the decisions that we’re going to have to make with the baby and parenting… Hell, in our relationship…I need to tell you. It just might come out a little jumbled. I haven’t talked this much about my childhood since my therapist in Seattle.”
“You’re okay.” Mia moves closer and places a hand on my cheek. “You’re safe with me.”
I kiss her palm. It’s that right there that makes falling in love with her so easy.
“For days, I’ve been seeing my father’s face pop up in my head. It’s been awful. For so long I thought I had put all that he did behind me. I’d never forget it, but I don’t let it consume me anymore. Turns out I buried it in a shallow grave.
“When we found out about our baby, all the dirt I had covering my past blew right off, and my dad’s face came back to haunt me. I know it wasn’t my fault for how he treated me, but I thought,how in the hell am I going to do this?Be a good dad when I’ve never known what that’s truly like.”
A lump forms in my throat.Fuck, how can I tell her this without losing her?
When my silence drags, Mia’s thumb glides against my chest. “On our first date you told me about all those clubs and rarely sleeping…that was him?”
I swallow hard, grateful for the delay in admitting what’s been haunting me. “Yeah, I couldn’t even really tell you what his goal was… The best way I could describe it to my therapist was that it felt like a game to him. It was never implied that I had to be the best at everything, just the fact that hecoulddo it. Like it was his right. My grandfather never hit me, but I think it’s because he knew my dad was, and it was exactly how he raised him.”
I feel that lump wanting to force its way back up, but I have to do this. Clearing my throat the best I can, I hold Mia tight. “A big part of me is worried that somehow being a father will bring out that side of me.”
This look of pure horror comes to her face, and I want to throw up. Fuck.
“Adam—”
“I’m sorry, Mia, I need to get this out…I wish I didn’t see his face when I think about being a dad. When I think of my future, I see you. I can see you being the most incredible mother to our baby. But when I think of being a dad…I see him, and it’s terrifying. I never thought I would be him. I aim to be better than him in every way, and break the chain of abuse. But now that I’m about to be a dad…”
Mia swallows, and I feel the pounding of her heartbeat on my side. “Adam Reyer, you listen to me. If you think you are anything like him…you are wrong.” Her eyes well with tears, but she doesn’t let them fall. “I’m so angry that he did that to you. I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way for the past few days… Come here.” She pushes off my chest and swings a leg over myhips. When I sit up, her hands go to my face. “I need you to understand that as much as you’re safe with me…Adam, I know in my heart that I’m safe with you—that our baby will be safe with you.”
The pain radiating through my chest feels so excruciating that I can’t get my words out. Letting go of that fear is so hard, but I have to if we’re to make this work.
Reaching for her chin, I look into her eyes. She still hasn’t let those tears fall.
“Mia, I won’t be him. I can say I’m nothing like him, but he was my father—he raised me. I am actively choosing to never be him. You and this baby are my family. I want this child to have the life I always wanted.”
Tugging her closer, she presses her forehead against mine. Leaning in, I give her a slow kiss, then run my thumb across her cheek. “I promise.”
“I believe you.” She leans back an inch. “I believeinyou and in us. I’ve never been so sure of something in my life. In my gut, head, and heart I know you are the man I’m meant to be with.”
Gliding my hand back, I find her steady pulse. “I love you, Mia.”
The beating kicks up for a moment, then tapers back. “I love you, too.”
Pulling her in, I kiss her with the exact same deep feeling in my gut that told me with our first kiss that I’ll never have another one like it.
“Will you come downstairs with me? I think it’s almost time for your song.”
Her head tilts to the side. “You going to dance with me again, All-Star?”
