“I know. Doesn’t change anything. I told him we’d be safe. I brought him along when I knew I shouldn’t. I got him killed, nobody else.”
“No, that’s crazy.”
I stroke her cheek, smiling to myself. “I’ve thought it a thousand times. I was fourteen, how could I carry that burden? But I do and always will, and that’s why I’m doing this. Now you see me for what I am. All that blood’s still on me.”
She kisses my cheeks and mouth as if she can clean it away, but that doesn’t change a thing. It doesn’t fix what I am, what I’ve been since Shawn died that day.
A monster, plain and simple.
There’s a reason I don’t fall in love, why I don’t have close friends who aren’t strong enough to protect themselves.
I bring death.
And if I keep following this path—if I keep letting myself tumble into her—I’ll bring it to my wife too.
“You know what you’re going to need?” She smiles, wiping tears from her eyes.
“I have a feeling you’re not going to saya blowjob.”
She swats my chest. “That meeting Carbone invited you to. You’re going to need help with that proposal.”
I snort, and lean back on the bed, hands behind my head. “You offering?”
“Absolutely. Who better?”
“Deanna—“
“Come on, I’ve been doing this for years already. I know your businesses better than anyone else.”
“The legitimate half at least.”
“And I have a feeling you’ll need some of that legitimate half too. We’ll blow them away.”
God, it kills me. She talks like this is a real investor meeting and not some dick-measuring macho bullshit. Fontana wants to make sure I’m not full of shit—he doesn’t care about distribution channels and profit margins—but she’s right, it won’t hurt to be prepared.
“This is as close as you get.” I cup her chin and tilt her face toward mine, squeezing gently. “Do you understand?”
“You think I want to get myself killed?”
“I mean it. There has to be a line.”
Her expression softens. “There’s always a line with you, isn’t there?”
“It’s not for me.” I release her and stare at the ceiling.It’s to keep you safe. But she knows that already.
If she hasn’t figured it out yet, she will soon.
I’m nothing more than a problem.
CHAPTER 23
PRIME
It’s like the floodgates open after that first night.
Deanna’s in my office morning to evening going over the meeting plan. Then she’s in my bed arching her back and moaning my name.
I sense the drift happening. I’m sliding toward her despite myself. I reach for her in the morning, finger grazing her hip to make sure she’s safe and sleeping, and the relief I feel when she’s still there is terrifying. What’ll happen if she’s gone? What will I do when this is all over?
