Why did you bother?
Flower
Twelve days later:
The netting.
See, he wants to talk, but loquacious is nota word attributable to him. Yeah, I know, I’m the mistress ofunderstatement. He wrote back quickly, which tells me he’s intocontinuing the conversation. I figure I’ll answer in kind.
What about the netting?
Thirteen days later:
You knew you were going to the gardencenter. You knew you needed new flowers. You had to know thecapacity of your patio and what looked good there, but you went outunprepared and had no problem standing in the middle of a storethere, but not there. The ability to let go and lose yourself inthought in a public place got me. That’s why I bothered.
Oh yeah. This is all about control. Thisguy’s every daily move is plotted and examined. Me letting go andzoning out in a garden center knocked against his carefullyconstructed life in a way that appealed to him. Writing lettersthrough TLC is a huger thing for him than I thought. Taking achance writing to me, clearly someone who doesn’t have his level ofcontrol issues, is a risk he’s willing to take. I’m going to startrattling his well-constructed sense of stability. Nothing big, butI want to see how far he’s willing to go outside his comfort zone.He has no idea what a big deal this is for me, but I’m wellpracticed at keeping my feelings from showing. Can you imagine whatmy patients would think if they could read my thoughts and feelingson my face? I wouldn’t have any patients.
Ross,
Well, a garden center isn’t just any publicplace. While I know nowhere is completely safe, the likelihoodsomething is going to happen to me in this garden center is prettylow, especially a garden center that’s only a garden center. WhereI go isn’t attached to a big box store. It’s a family businessthat’s been in the area for around fifty years. I think thegrandkids are running the place now, and it still has the feel of ahometown store. I bump into a lot of familiar faces when I’m there,so I feel safe, and being relaxed seems second nature. Mind you, Ifall asleep on public transportation all the time. If it’s movingand I’m not the driver, I get lulled to sleep. I know it’s notideal, as in people around me are generally strangers, but in anairplane there’s limited exposure so it’s not too bad, but trainscan be dicey. I try to stay awake, but it’s a struggle.
In other news, a midsummer disaster: the ACin my office building crashed, and for three days going to work wasunbearable. We had fans blowing everywhere, but all that did wasmove the hot air around from one place to another. It’s one ofthose sealed buildings where you can’t open the windows. No suckingout the stale hot air. It’s fixed now, and the reaction to havingbeen without the AC is now they’ve cranked it up. We’re freezing,and I have to wear a sweater or a jacket in the office to keep mylips from turning blue. Talk about going from one extreme to theother. Enough people have complained, and I’m interested to learnwhat climate I’m going to be working in tomorrow. I might have toleave a couple of changes of clothes to keep up with in-officetemperature fluctuations.
Flower
Ten days later:
Woman, stop riding trains if you fallasleep. Don’t be so damn casual about your safety. Do you know howmany crimes are committed on subways and commuter rail lines, nevermind long-distance hauls? From the way it sounds, you’re riding thetrains alone and falling asleep. You’re a sitting duck. A primetarget. Quit doing that shit right now or you won’t be around toplant blue hydrangeas.
Ross
That got to me in a way I didn’t expect.Although I can profile this man – that note suggests he works in orhas worked in some type of law enforcement agency – I don’t knowhim, and he sure doesn’t know me. Yet, the forcefulness of hisinsistence felt intimate. As if he was genuinely worried about mysafety. That he cares. If a five-line note can evoke thoseemotions, now I’m wondering what being with this guy would be like.I don’t need someone to make me feel safe, but I’d love havingthat. Especially after what I’ve lived though. I know I’ll nevermeet him, much less spend any time with him, but the thought thathe would take care of me that way gave me comfort, and hope.Without saying too much, I felt compelled to respond to his note,and to reassure him.
Ross,
Actually, I’m not casual about my safety. Iunderstand the randomness of life, and have a healthy respect forhow everything can go from sugar to shit in the blink of an eye. Ican’t promise I won’t ride trains ever again, but I will try tohave a companion with me if I do. Lately, I’ve been driving almosteverywhere, and I don’t anticipate that changing anytime in thenear future.
Thank you for caring.
Flower
Ten days later:
Tell me what happened.
Ross
I didn’t think I’d said enough for him toextrapolate I’d lived through a trauma, but apparently I was wrong.Clearly, he’s smart and intuitive, and definitely connected to lawenforcement somehow if he saw more than I intended to communicate.Regardless of his empathy and probable knowledge about the effectsof what I’d experienced, I have no intention of sharing. The minuteI say anything, he’ll know who I am. I’d made national news. Itwouldn’t take a computer genius to dig up the sordid details. Thewhole purpose of using TLC was to keep my identity hidden. I wasn’tabout to do or say anything to change that. I needed to turn theconversation and steer him away from the truth.
Ross,
I appreciate you asking, but there’s nothingto tell. The nature of my job brings me in contact with people whoface all kinds of struggles, plus, no one who reads the papers orwatches the news can escape the violence inflicted on the innocent.I drive more now than use public transportation because of a changein work location – I’m closer to home, which is a good thing.
Speaking of driving, I’ve been negotiatingwith a few friends I’ve known since grade school about who’sdriving this year to the beach house one of the group lives inyear-round. It’s an annual Labor Day weekend ritual that started inhigh school when we went to the same house, which, at the time,belonged to our friend’s grandmother. Unfortunately, when we werein college, her grandmother died, and our friend inherited thehouse.
Most years we rotate the driving duty, but acouple of us have moved away from the area and they need to fly toget here. Coordinating the airport pickup with everyone’s scheduleand the vehicle size has proved challenging. Between the emails,texts, Skypes, and FaceTiming it seems like we’re a UN delegationwith protocols to follow. Last night we were laughing so hardduring a group Skype, we never came to a consensus. I’m committedto nailing this down tonight.
Flower
