I hunched a shoulder. “Not so much regret, but concerns. Mostly, I’ve tried to be careful. Except when I was being reckless. But those times were few and far between. When I’m with you, though, I feel like I’m losing control.”
“Andthatscares you.”
“Kind of,” I confessed. “We’re not that young.”
“Speak for yourself,” he joked. “I’m just getting started.”
I shoved him playfully. “I’m serious. I’m in the latter half of my forties. And you’re …”
He narrowed his eyes on me. “Watch it,” he warned.
I grinned. “You’re Zaddy.”
“That’s right.” He pulled me back to him. “I’myourZaddy.”
“True.” I gave him a quick kiss. “Anyway, we’ve both lived separate lives. I’m just saying … it might not be as easy as it feels right now to be together long term. You know as well as I do that the honeymoon phase ends quickly sometimes. Then you’re left with a reality you might not have chosen for yourself if you could see into the future.”
He sat up, leaning back against the headboard. My stomach fell as dread welled up inside. He entwined his fingers with mine and stared at our joined hands. “Laiya, I’m not confused about how I feel about you. I’m just waiting on you to catch up.”
I blinked. “What?”
Spence chuckled. “This is not a bad thing, baby.”
“It doesn’t sound good,” I tossed back.
“It’s all about perspective. I’ve been through a lot, done a lot of shit I’m not proud of, and lost people that I thought would be around.”
My shoulders fell. Spencer was close to his parents, and he’d lost both within a few years of each other. That had to be hard on him.
“I learned from mistakes and used my experiences to be better. We’ve already established that, if we could go back, we might make different choices. Nothing has changed and I’m not going back on my word.”
I brought his palm up to my lips and kissed it softly. “You’re one of the best people I know, Spence. I married Rod because he was my best friend and look where we are. If something happens, if this doesn’t work, I don’t want to lose you.”
“Do you trust me?”
Without hesitation, I nodded my head. “Yes.”
“Why?”
My brows drew down in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Why do you trust me?” he pressed. “Is it because I’ve been there for you?”
“That’s part of it, but … I trust you because you’re you.”
“Exactly. And I trust you to be who you are.”
“Is that enough, though?” I tossed back. “Is our past enough to build a future?”
“That’s part of the journey. As long as we understand each other, remain open with each other, and take it one day at time, we’ll be fine.”
“You really believe that?”
He bumped his shoulder with mine. For some reason, that simple gesture settled the doubt threatening to burst our perfect bubble. It was a signal, one that meant he was there for me, that he had my back, and that I didn’t have to worry. He’d done it on the playground after he gave me his lunch, and he’d done it so many times since. Before, I took it as a confirmation of our friendship, but now it felt like a promise. His commitment to remain the person I’ve always known him to be.
“You know I do,” he whispered.
I swallowed through a wave of dueling emotions. When we were together, when he was making love to me, I could forget my doubts, lose myself in him. Yet, as much as I wanted this, I couldn’t turn off the part of me that was terrified it would destroy us.
