“Hey,” he says.
“You scared me.”I draw a deep breath, settling back into my spot.
“What are you doing?”He eases into the chair nearby, angled toward me.“Having some alone time?”
“I was, till you got here,” I tease.
“You good?”Asher is watching me suspiciously.I guess it’s not every day we carry dad’s ashes like this.I am kind of cradling them like a newborn after all.
“Yeah,” I say.Then I think better of it.I clear my throat.“Well, not really.”
“You wanna talk about it?”He’s squinting out at the yard, working his thumb over a knuckle as he inspects the distance.He looks like our dad when he does stuff like this.
“Probably would help,” I say with a laugh.“Casey left.I’m just dealing.”
“Why did she leave?”
“It was always the plan.Originally, she was going to be moving back to Chicago right about now.But she’s moving to Bayshore permanently.She just went back to Chicago to go get out of her lease and wrap up some final details.But when she gets back, she’s gonna do her own thing.I’ll be moving to Cleveland soon.”
“Well that seems convenient for you two if she’s going to be in Bayshore,” Asher says.
“I don’t have time for a relationship during the season,” I say.But the words feel like a test.Lackluster.A tired story I’ve been telling myself for too long.
“Okay,” Asher says slowly.“So if this is just because of hockey…why are you holding Dad’s ashes on the patio?”
His words land like a spear to the chest.I pinch my eyes shut because he’s coaxing something to the surface I’ve been circling but too afraid to engage with, a gardener eyeing poison ivy.
But I can’t answer.
“What’s this really about?”Asher asks gently.
I turn the hourglass over again, drawing a deep breath.I swear I could fucking cry right now, but I didn’t come here to sob into Asher’s shoulder.
“I guess it’s about the fact that I fell in love…and I can’t handle the fear that comes along with it.I know how good we are together.She feels it too.But the thought of going there with her, truly going for it, and then potentially losing her someday, is too fucking much for me.It destroys menow.What’s gonna happen once we’re two years in, five years in, ten years in?If I lose her someday, Asher?I’ll fucking die.”
He nods thoughtfully, his gaze on some inscrutable point of the patio.“So you thought it was safer to lose her now.”
A breath whooshes out of me.“Yes.”
“And you plan to…what?Remain single your entire life?Deny yourself love and affection out of fear?Or maybe start a family with someone you don’t love as much, so it wouldn’t hurt as much to lose them?”
His words sound a little ridiculous.I laugh.“I hadn’t gotten that far.I was kind of stuck on the whole ‘remaining single’ phase of things.”
“You can admit it sounds silly though.”
“Yeah.”I clear my throat, watching the ashes slip through the hourglass.
“I think, regardless of the outcome…it’s probably better to go after things than to let them wither unexplored.”Asher contemplates something in the backyard for a moment then nods.“I already have regrets from not doing that exact thing.”
“Like what?”
He sighs.“This isn’t about me.”
“You brought up regrets.Now I wanna know.”
Asher narrows his eyes at me, but he’s got the start of a grin on his face.“When it comes to love and relationships.I didn’t act when I should have.And I lost her to someone else.”
I reel back a little, looking at my brother.He’s always been the rock solid, untouchable one.To find out that he’s got some piece of his heart wandering the earth is a shock to me.
