“Come here, sweetheart.” Nesto patted the spot closer to him. I assume he anticipated where the story was going. Suddenly, I felt cold. Cold like it was winter, not the middle of summer. I went to Nesto, and to my surprise, it helped.
“I was convinced they’d come around. I’d waited so long, and I was the perfect kid. Good student, responsible, no drinking, smoking, church every Sunday. They had to know by then me being gay wouldn’t change any of it right?”
I laughed bitterly, remembering how badly I’d misjudged my family’s reaction.
“One Sunday, Elijah and I agreed we’d each talk to our families. So, I went to my dad’s for dinner and I told them.”
I paused then, because we both knew it had not gone as planned. I was exhausted from talking and reliving that horrible fucking day.
I felt Nesto shift on the couch. He gently took my beer out of my hand. He moved and tugged, until I was sitting with my back against his chest. Neither of us said a word, he just held me tight. After a while I started talking again.
“Take your time, Jude.” I nodded, gulping down tears while Nesto ran his palms up and down my arm. Once I got myself back under control, I started talking again.
“It was a disaster. My father just stood up from the table and told me I was no longer welcome at his house. My sister could barely look at me and said she’d never forgive me for sayingthose things in front of her children.” My voice broke at the memory of that. “Micah, her youngest, was just five years old back then. I’m his godfather, you know? And my sister couldn’t forgive me for saying I’d fallen in love in front of her son.”
Nesto squeezed me harder and whispered in the gentlest voice I’d heard from him, “I am so sorry.”
I shook my head, my eyes squeezed shut. “That’s the thing, there’s nothing to be sorry for.Ihad nothing to be sorry for. I didn’t do anything wrong.Theywere wrong. As much as I love them, they were wrong. I had to work very hard to believe that, but I do believe it now.”
I sagged against Nesto then tipped my face up to look at him. “You deserved better than that.” I knew that now, but it took me a long time to get here.
“Only in the past year, I’ve felt more like I know who I am, who I want to be than at any other point in my life. I love my job, my house, and it’s been so good with you. I feel horrible for resenting the timing of all this, even though I’m terrified for my sister. I’m just worried this is all going to end up sending me back to a bad place.” Nesto put his fingers on my face, and I realized it was wet with tears.
“Jude, you’re entitled to your feelings. You had to start over on your own, and it’s not selfish to want to keep the peace you fought so hard for.”
“I stayed in town for a year after I came out. None of them talked to me, only my cousin Esther and Jesse ever tried to reach out. I was like a pariah; Pastor Jones even told me to stop coming to church because it was too upsetting for my family. But I stayed, hoping they’d come around.”
Nesto’s face looked thunderous. “I swear I want to go fight people right now for doing that shit to you. That’s just fucking wrong.”
I shrugged, thankful for how fierce he looked on my behalf.
“It was a long time ago. Things fell apart with Elijah, too. His parents were a lot more understanding than mine, and in the end, he decided he wanted to live closer to them. I basically blew up my whole life for a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere.”
“You spoke your truth and that’s no small thing though.”
Nesto was right. It sucked, but in the end, it was the best thing I’d ever done for myself.
“I don’t think I was really in love with Elijah. I think I just needed a reason to tell the truth. So, when I got the job here three years ago, I left and never looked back.”
Nesto’s arms tightened around me, his breath hot on my skin. It felt so good. Like comfort.
“You’re so fucking brave, Jude. I’m not going to say coming out wasn’t rough for me, but my mom supported me every step of the way. I can’t imagine what it was like to have your family turn their backs on you like that.” He kissed my cheek hard. “You’re amazing.”
Why had I ever doubted Nesto?
I put my head back, feeling lighter, but also very much unprepared for my visit with Mary.
“I’m going to go see my sister on Tuesday. My brother-in-law was updating me over text all day, and tonight he confirmed I could come and see her.”
“That’s why you were so focused on your phone today,” he groaned. “Fuck, I had so many things going through my brain. I’m so sorry I was such an asshole to you.”
I shook my head. “I was a basket case today and you were dealing with a lot, too.”
“That’s no excuse. I saw you weren’t yourself, and I should’ve taken the time to talk to you and ask what was wrong. I can get tunnel vision when it comes to the business.”
“You’re here for your business though.”
He made a weird noise and kissed me again.
