“Hey, Mama. How are we doing today?”
She’d put out her cigarette when I walked through the door and stood up as I got to the couch.
“Hola, papí.” At least she sounded glad to see me. I went over and hugged her. She felt thinner.
I pulled back to get a good look at her. “Did you eat? I got some stuff to make us some sandwiches,” I said lifting the bag of food I’d brought with me. She shook her head and made like she was heading to the kitchen.
“I’ll make them.”
I stopped her and pulled her to the stools by the counter.
“Why don’t you sit here and keep me company while I fix them?” Without a word, she sat down. That, more than anything else, put me on high alert. My mom letting me wait on her without putting up a fight was a red flag.
I was thinking of a way to bring up the thing about the rent increase without getting her worked up. I figured I could start with the bad news and then throw in the invite to Tom’s to get her back in a good place. Since the night at the concert, she hadn’t stopped going on and on about how much she liked him and how perfect he was for me.
I started getting stuff out to make the sandwiches. I was going to make “Cubans” which had roasted pork, ham, Gouda cheese, and pickles on a baguette. They were my mom’s favorite, so at least she’d have a treat while we discussed all the shit going on in her life. I was not one for beating around the bush, so I got right into it.
“Mama, I ran into Antonio downstairs.” She gave me a look like she knew where the conversation was going, but she stayed quiet. “Why didn’t you tell me about the rent increase?”
She lifted her shoulder and reached for the cigarettes on the counter.
“Those cabrones, they’re getting subsidies to replace old elevators and fix up hallways and then they pass us the bill.” I handed her a glass of passion fruit juice from the fridge and she took a tiny sip before pushing it away. I withheld a sigh.
“How much is the increase?” I asked, very mindful to speak in a neutral tone.
“They’re increasing my rent by eighty dollars for each room.” I did quick math in my head and my stomach sank. “I have two bedrooms. With the kitchen, living room and bathroom, that’s four hundred dollars more every month. How am I going to pay for that? I’ve been in this building for twenty-one years and haven’t been late with my rent once. Not even when we were really struggling that first year we came up from Florida, and I was paying back all those credit cards that man took out in my name.”
I winced at the mention of Ramon, because whenever we had a difficult conversation, that fucker always had to come up.
“I’m just so tired, Milito.” She sighed and closed her eyes. “I requested an unpaid leave at work, for right after the New Year. It’s been so stressful there,” she said, rubbing her temples. “I haven’t been doing great emotionally either. I felt like I was going to lose my mind if I didn’t take some time off. I was hoping to maybe go see someone or try one of the groups for real this time.”
The relief I felt from hearing her actually say it made me weak.
“I know I need some help. It’s like these shadows have been slowly creeping in, and now they’ve been with me too long. I need to let some sunshine in.” She looked up at me then. “It bothers me that I’m so down all the time. I can’t even be with friends.” She looked over at the wedding photo of her and my dad she had on the mantel.
I left the food on the counter and came to put my arm around her, when I saw her eyes fill with tears. “Oh, Mama.”
“Your daddy would have turned sixty-five this coming March.” She smiled as a fat tear rolled down her face. “He always said as soon as he turned sixty-five and retired, he was going to take me on a trip up the coast and bring me to New York City. Who would have thought I’d end up here without him? So far from where we started our family.” Her voice gave out after that and I wiped her eyes, pulling her closer. I just listened, letting her finally say the things she hadn’t been able to in so long. “I haven’t seen his grave in twenty-one years. Ramon robbed me of so much time, and I’m weary, Milito.” She looked up at me. “I was hoping to go down and see him during my leave, maybe take the train down there.”
Shit.
There was no way I could take time off to go with my mom to Florida until the renovation at the shelter was done and that wouldn’t be until April. I had to be here until everything was finished, for the off chance that something could go wrong. I also couldn’t risk my super inappropriate relationship with Tom coming out in the wash.
“Mama, I’ll go with you if you want to see dad’s grave. But I can’t take time off until the shelter’s done. We can go later in the spring.”
She shook her head. “You don’t need to do that. I can do it on my own. You’re always watching out for me, papí, protecting me. I’m the parent here, aren’t I?” She was trying for humor, but I could tell she was back to feeling guilty.
“Mama, you have always loved me unconditionally. Even when you couldn’t love yourself, you loved me. Please don’t say things like that okay? We’re a team, tu y yo, Mama.”
She touched my face and smiled. “You’re so strong and happy these days. Tom is good for you. You look like a man who’s well loved.”
I kissed my mom on the cheek. “He’s a good man, but don’t change the subject, Mama.” She pursed her lips like she was about to complain, but I pushed through. “No no no. En serio. I think you taking leave is great and about time. I can call up my friend who did the intake with you and ask if they have any groups starting in January. I also know a few therapists who would be awesome for you. I’m one hundred percent in support of this plan.”
I placed our sandwiches on the counter and came around to sit with her. “Between our savings we can probably take care of some of the balance for the rent increase, and I can pay your rent while you’re off. The rest we’ll figure out together. She was about to protest, but I held up my hand. “No, mujer, don’t you shake your head at me. You deserve this and I’ll make it happen foryou. You’ve done so much for me. Please, Mama, let me do this for you.”
I knew I’d worn her down when she sagged against the chair and threw her hands up.
“Esta bien. How did you get so stubborn?” I made a face at her, and we both laughed.
