And now I’ve pulled Greyson into a situation he shouldn’t even be part of.
My breath comes out in short, shallow gasps. The edge of my vision blurs as I stare at the tree in front of me. I could feel the tears welling up, but I blink them back, refusing to let them fall.
Don’t let him see how much of a fuck up you are.
How weak you are.
How pathetic you are.
How insecure you are.
Greyson shifts in the chair beside me, and it’s like a thunderclap, blaring louder than the thumping of my own heart. I can’t look at him. I know I need to apologize, but the words get clogged in my throat.
He hates me, doesn’t he?
I don’t blame him if he does, I hate myself too.
“What the fuck was that?” His voice is softer than I expected it to be.
“I’m sorry, I panicked.” My voice shakes.
“You panicked, so you blurted out to—who even was that?”
“My ex boyfriend.” I let out a breath.
“Your ex boyfriend…” he scoffs. “So, you panicked and implied we were dating?”
I nod, unable to look at him. His hand suddenly grips mine, and when I look down, I understand why. I’d subconsciously started picking at the skin on my nails.
I hate how this is the second time he’s noticed me doing this and stopped me. But at the same time, my stomach tightens at the thought that he’s known me for less than a month but pays closer attention to me than my boyfriend of almost five years did.
“Why did you do it?” He asks, his thumb gently caressing my finger.
Because I’m an idiot who has a habit of fucking everything up?
Swallowing hard, I try to find my voice. “I—I just wanted him to leave me alone,” I confess, my voice sounding weaker than intended. “And I thought that maybe if he believed I moved on, he wouldquit bothering me.”
I’m fighting with myself to not push his hand away so I can pick at my nails.
“When did you guys break up?”
Is this a therapy session?
“Back in June.”
A soft laugh escapes his lips, and as much as I want to look at him, I don’t. Instead, I keep my eyes focused on our hands. “June, that was like four months ago.”
I nod.
Why can I never seem to get things right? I’m such a fuck up. Every little mistake, and every little insecurity plays on a loop in my mind, each one a reminder of how I never seem to be good enough.
My own mother doesn’t love me.
My own boyfriend cheated on me multiple times.
I try to take a deep breath, but it feels like there’s a weight on my chest weighing me down.
I’m not good enough.
