He nodded. “Right.”
This was it. She waited for him to hurt her, to say that he wasn’t interested. And that would be okay, she told herself. She was tougher than she once had been. “I want to keep hanging out with you,” he said. “I know you’re tired, but if you’re willing to stay up for a bit, I’d like that.”
“Do you want to come and sit on my bed and we’ll find a terrible movie or something?”
He nodded silently and followed her down the hall.
Had she been too obvious? The strange part was that she really would be content just to watch a movie with him, as long as it meant that he stayed. Sitting together until dawn watching movies and chatting would still be better than nothing. Kissing would be preferable, but she would take whatever he was offering.
When she entered her room, she let the door slide shut with a soft click behind them. Only one light was on, just at the doorway, and she didn’t turn on the others yet. She just stood still, gazing at him, trying to read the moment, nervous from trying not to ruin things. Her whole body was aware of his presence as he watched her from a foot away. They hadn’t moved. He gave a little half-smile and then raised one warm hand to her cheek, caressing her, then leaned forward and kissed her.
Her heart was already racing. The kiss was tender and lingering, and it felt absurdly, shockingly good. She had always assumed that he would be decent at kissing, but this felt perfect enough to make her giddy…like jumping off the edge of a cliff and discovering that you could fly. She leaned into the kiss, sliding her hand around his neck, pulling him towards her as he slid his fingers around her lower back, pressing their bodies together.
He ended the kiss slowly, then stared at her for a moment. That did not feel like a one-night stand kiss, Sarah thought hazily. Her cheeks grew flushed and she felt close to tears.
“Sarah,” he whispered tenderly, pressing his nose against her cheek, resting there.
She tilted her head to kiss him again fervently, wrapping both arms around his shoulders, trying to tell him everything she didn’t dare to say: that she cared about him, that his ex-wife was wrong about him, that he was wonderful, that even though they couldn’t have a relationship, they could have this. A night together. Just this once.
He responded with as much intensity, backing her up against the wall with his whole body, pinning her with his warmth as if to make sure she didn’t go anywhere. One of his arms braced against the wall, the other pulling her waist toward him, and she felt breathless with how good it felt. This was so much better than she could have imagined, so extraordinarily good that it made her want to laugh. Of course it was incredible. Of course it always would have been. He slid one of the straps of her dress away from her shoulder to kiss her there, and she felt like swooning in his arms.
“Sarah,” he whispered against her neck. “I’ve wanted you for so long.”
“Ren.” Her voice sounded faint and breathless. She ran a hand through his curls the way she’d wanted to do since her freshman year. They were thick and soft, lush between her fingers. She stroked her hands along the sides of his head tenderly. “Ren,” she said again, spoiling herself with the sound of his name in her mouth. She loved him. She had to be careful not to say that.
“Since freshman year, you’ve been in my head,” he whispered, kissing her shoulder, her neck, the bottom of her chin.
“God, I was so in love with you back then,” she said.
He paused, then went completely still against her. “What?”
She blinked as he pulled back to look at her.
“I don’t mean now,” she said hurriedly. “I know we can’t…we can’t be anything, that you have to stay here.”
“You were in love with me?” he repeated slowly, as if she had confessed to murder. “Back at university?”
“I…” She trailed off as she tried to read his gaze. “Yes?”
“That whole time you acted like you hated me.”
“I didn’t hate you,” she said.
He carefully stepped away, still staring at her. “So then,” he said, “so when I was hooking up with Anya…you loved me?”
“It was a long time ago.”
She watched him take a breath. Naked shock. That’s what his expression was. Surely he must have guessed at this, but he didn’t seem to have suspected at all.
“Jesus.” He leaned back against the wall a couple of feet away from her, his eyes focused just above her head.
“What?”
“It’s just…you would date these assholes. And meanwhile, I was hooking up with your friends and you… And it’s…was it because I was an asshole? Is that why you liked me?”
She wasn’t sure whether to be angry or embarrassed. “No!”
“Why did you like me back then?” She wasn’t sure why he was so upset.
