Ren’s voice was low and hard. “What an absolute fool.”
“So if I’m worried about not being a twenty-five year old, it’s because I was left for one. And Ihadgotten more confident. Ilikedthe way I looked. And then my body failed me and he left.”
“No, he failed you. He was the one who failed. You always date these guys who are never worthy of you. Why didn’t you wait for me?”
She stared at him. “Wait for you?”
“After Paul and Trish’s wedding, I told you I was going to figure things out, I went to therapy, and then six weeks later you were bringing a new boyfriend home. Why didn’t you give me a chance to explain things? Or call me and yell at me before you moved on?”
“Because it hurt too much!” she said, her voice breaking. “Because you always picked me last. Even in Las Vegas, you slept with some stranger the day I arrived and then wouldn’t sleep with me.”
“Because I loved you!”
She shook her head. “No, you don’t get to just…” She thought about her mother and father—the way her mother had fallen apart completely when she lost the man she loved. Maybe Sarah had tried to avoid being with men she was madly in love with because she never wanted to break like that. “You don’t get to say that to me.”
“I know.” He was quiet for a moment. “I should have told you back then how I felt. I should have told you years ago.” He sighed. “I told you that I grew up convinced my mother didn’t love me. It wasn’t true, but it felt true. So when I met Paola, she had this… this low-level contempt for me, and I thought, ‘Great. She’s smart, like my mother. She’s capable and independent. If I can get this woman to love me, that proves I’m worth loving.’ But Paola never respected me, because I wasn’t like her father. And I was never going to be this dominant, take-charge businessman. So our whole marriage, I was trying to prove that I was worthy of being loved, and she was trying to turn me into someone worth loving.” He paused, waiting until she met his eyes. The night was wide and quiet around them.
“By the time I got divorced,” he said, “I realized that Paola and I had never really loved each other. Because she never saw any of the good things about me. So when I reconnected with you, and you told me that you saw those things, and that you loved me, I panicked. Because I wasn’t ready. I went to therapy to figure out what happened. And one of the things I did in therapy was finally talk to my mother. She told me she had spent my teen years stressed about her marriage. None of it was about me. I’d carried all that self-hatred for nothing.”
“And maybe because of what that older woman did to you.”
“Maybe because of that,” he agreed.
“And now?” she asked, so quietly that she could barely hear her own voice.
“Now I just want to be with you,” he said, sounding almost resigned. “It’s why I created this whole workshop in Newfoundland. It’s why I offered you a job. And I know I can’t ask you to wait for me. I can’t even guarantee Jandro will end up going away to school, and if he doesn’t, it might be five years before I can move closer to you. I just want to try. I want to see what would happen if we try. And if you just want the assistant job and don’t want to be involved with me, that’s fine. That will always be fine. But don’t turn me down because you don’t think I’m serious about you. Because you’re it for me.”
She felt as immobile as one of the rocks. His face was barely visible in the dark, but she could tell that he was nervous, gazing at her. He truly didn’t know what she would say.
“You can yell at me now,” he said after a moment. “If you want.”
“I love you,” she said, her voice breaking. “I’ve always loved you. It’s terrifying.”
He moved closer to her and took both her hands, squeezing them tightly. “I know.”
It was still hard to believe that anything between them could be real, but she wanted to hope. She wanted to have faith that something good could happen to her.
His gaze shifted to look above her head. “Look up,” he whispered.
She turned to see that the skies were now lit around them with a glow of violet and green, like a ghostly echo of a different world.
“Aurora,” he said.
Her heart felt full from the beauty around them, a silent harmony of stars and light. She took a long breath and squeezed his hand. “I guess we should wake everyone,” she whispered.
“Not yet.” Ren put one arm over her shoulder and stayed there, looking at the glowing light, the world spread out in front of them in endless beauty. They were silent together for a long moment, his arm warm around her shoulder.
“Ren!” It was Kyle’s voice calling from somewhere further along the shore. “Look up, man!”
“I see it!” Ren called.
“I’ll wake the others to see if they want to get a shot,” Kyle called. “Hey, everybody! Look up.”
They heard Kyle scrambling through the brush somewhere behind them. Ren and Sarah looked at each other, and then he pulled her against him, kissing her fiercely for just a moment.
“You said no kissing.”
“I did.” He took a deep breath. “I’m hoping Kyle is distracting Elka right now. But it is probably best if we don’t tell anyone about this for the next day or two.”
