Jacob releases me, then leans back into my space for a quick kiss. “I’ll get a towel,” he says.
He finds one in no time, dampening it under the faucet, then wiping down the area in front of me.
“So, Dad seems happier today,” I say, picking my plate up out of the way. “Did he talk to Maggie? Does she know we’re coming?”
“Yeah,” Jacob says. “Well, I called and spoke to Maggie. Ajit was there, though.” He pauses. “He seems excited to see Maggie, and I understand why. But Maggie sounded—” He looks over at me. “I don’t think your dad picked up on it, but Maggie sounded a little off.”
An uneasy sensation builds in my stomach.
“I suppose we knew that, though,” I say. “That she’s been feeling off.”
“Yeah, I just hoped that with time, that would pass. That things would go back to the way they were, but I don’t know.” His brows knit. “I’m not exactly sure what she’s going to say when we see her.”
He moves the dishcloth back and forth across the same spot, over and over, and I place a hand on top of his, stopping him.
“I’m sure it’ll be okay,” I say. “Maybe not at first, but…it’ll all be okay. Eventually.”
Jacob doesn’t say anything. He just stays still, his forehead creased, concern written across his face.
“What worries you the most?” I ask quietly, because I’m worried too. About my father and how he will cope if Maggie ends up breaking his heart. About what all of it might mean for his health. About whether this means he’ll be completely alone after I leave.
And even though I barely know her, I’m also worried about Maggie. About how she’s feeling. About anything I said that might have contributed to this.
And Jacob. I’m worried about him too.
“Jacob?” I say, prompting him, because he’s still not looking at me, his eyes glued to our joined hands resting on top of the dish towel.
He swallows. “It’s selfish,” he says.
I frown. “There’s no way that’s true. You might be the least self-centered person I know.”
He huffs out a breath, shaking his head. “No. This…it really is selfish.”
“Tell me.” I pull his hand away from the towel, intertwining his fingers with mine, squeezing them lightly. “You can tell me.”
Finally, he looks at me, wearing an expression I’ve never seen on him before. Something hesitant, and maybe…ashamed. “If Maggieand your father…” he says, “if things really are over between them, I don’t know what that means for me.” He stops for a second. “I think I told you about my sisters. They’re younger and they live in different places. Rachel’s in London and Annie’s in Germany, and we try to all visit together at least once a year, but it’s hard. So, your dad and Maggie. I mean, I know you know this, but they’re the only other family I have left. And if they’re not together…”
He trails off, helplessly shrugging.
“I’ll have to choose, won’t I?” he says, his voice tight. “I won’t get to keep them both.”
My gut twists.
I was so young when my mother left for the United States when my parents separated. I didn’t have to make a choice like this, but still, I remember the push-and-pull I sometimes felt as a child. This yearning for my father, and at the same time, guilt, as if wishing he was more involved in my life was disloyal to my mother. After all, she was the one who wasthere. She was the one taking care of me. The one who loved me.
But I wanted to have both. Even when I knew it was impossible, I wanted to have them both.
“You can try,” I tell Jacob gently, but from the resigned look in his eyes, I know he knows the truth.
He leans toward me, brushing his lips against my forehead. “Thanks,” he says. And then he turns just a little bit, leaning his cheek against the top of my head.
For a moment, it feels like the world has shrunk down to just this. The two of us inside this kitchen, this foot of space. Something that’s entirely our own.
“We should go back out there,” I say after a while.
Jacob sighs, and I feel it, his chest rising and falling against my back.
“Yeah,” he says.
