“Don’t say it,” he pleaded, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“Eggs and bakey!”
He groaned and rolled back over in bed.
“I’ll just put this here for when you’re ready,” she said, placing the tray down on the desk near the foot of the pull-out sofa.
After the wedding fiasco, Arthur didn’t know where to go or what to do. So he called his dad, who revealed that they had wrapped up their travels and had been staying in a nearby hotel to get a little extra space while they awaited the arrival of little baby Peterson.
And that’s how Arthur ended up sleeping in the “living room” of his parents’ extended-stay suite. Which was an ironic place to be, because he barely wanted to be alive.
Arthur could hear his parents hardly bothering to whisper in the next room.
“I don’t know what to say to him,” his mom said. “He just seems so heartbroken.”
“Let me talk to him,” said his dad.
A moment later, Arthur felt his father’s weight sitting down on the edge of his mattress.
“Hey, bud.” It was like he was a kid again, getting ready to be on the receiving end of a tried-and-true “We’re not mad, just disappointed” talk after flunking a test in school.
Arthur begrudgingly sat up. “Hey, Dad. Before the heart-to-heart starts, could you hand me the coffee?”
“Sure.” He chuckled, then handed over the mug. “You weren’t very talkative last night. Want to tell me what happened?”
“Nothing surprising.”
“Meaning?”
“I fucked up. I hid some things from Wren that I should have told her about. Or better yet, should never have done.”
Neal took a solemn beat. “Fixable?”
“I don’t know.”
“Ah. Almost anything is fixable with the right attitude.”
Arthur took a sip. Scalding hot. Mostly water with floating bits of grounds in it. But there was caffeine in the mug somewhere, and he was going to find it.
“Yes, maybe it’s fixable. Probably. But that’s not the point. This was always going to happen. Wren was always going to wait for me to screw something up so she could use that as an excuse to bail. I was never going to be enough for her, but I’ve also never given her a reason to leave. Last night I finally did.”
To Arthur’s surprise, his dad began laughing.
“Did you just remember a joke or something?” Arthur asked.
“This is absurd, Arthur. You two are having a baby together any minute now! You’re not breaking up.”
“I didn’t say we’re breaking up. Eventually she’ll answer my calls and she’ll forgive me, then we’ll be fine for a while. But forever is a long time. Whether it’s now or in five years or in ten years…I just don’t know if it’s going to work out. I don’t think I’m what she deserves. I don’t know if we want the same things.”
He didn’t know if that was true. He didn’t know what he wanted anymore.
“Is it possible,” his dad began, taking a sip of his own coffee for dramatic effect, “that this doesn’t have anything to do with Wren at all?”
Arthur considered this, despite his first reaction, which was to scoff. It was possible that this wasn’t really about Wren, who had never done anything but love him through thick and thin. Maybe the person whose love he was really worried about was his future son or daughter. He had enough data by now to know he wasn’t nearly spontaneous or silly enough to be the fun dad. And he wasn’t strong and steady enough to be the family’s rock. He doubted he was warm and nurturing enough to be an evolved, modern dad, one that maybe stayed at home. He wasn’t handy, wasn’t successful, wasn’t wise or interesting or powerful in any way. What on earth was he bringing to the table, then? Objectively, outside of some kind of biological obligation, what reason would he be able to give his child to love him?
“I don’t really want to talk about it anymore,” he said finally, exhausted and defeated.
His dad nodded, understanding. Arthur could tell hisfather was spinning an epic motivational speech in his head and was about to unfurl some serious wisdom. But instead…
