My words got stuck in my throat, choking me.
This is it. The end.
After all we’d been through and everything we had said, the knowledge that Noah would be back in Bali in a couple of days cut through me like a physical wound. His flight left on Valentine’s Day. Gods knew how long he’d be gone this time.
Maybe we were never meant to be.Maybe life had given us these few months so we could say a proper goodbye—so Icould get the dumb idea I’d nursed for nearly two decades out of my head: that he was the one, and that our pact had meant something. That it hadn’t just been empty talk between two kids, but something deeper. Something real.
I settled my arm around his shoulders, and pulled him into my body to keep him warm. “You’re welcome,” I whispered and kissed his temple.
My sweet puppy. We could have been so good.
Chapter 36
Noah
The sadness that radiated off Lewis made me want to curl up at his side and weep.
We had long surpassed pretending to be something so I could make money online. But feeling it and talking about it were two very different animals.
A stubborn part of me still felt as if I’d failed because I wanted to stay here. I had spent years telling people how amazing my life abroad was. It was uncomfortable to sit down and look at it, realising that I’d lived other peoples’ fantasy of a perfect existence.
It looked great in photographs, but unlike the last couple of months, the feeling behind those images was less than picturesque. It had been an empty, vain way of living. Nothing like the raw honest experiences Lew and I had shared.
Life here wasn’t perfect, but what in God’s name was?
Nothing but the beautiful man by my side.
Four more days for me to tell him that I wouldn’t go back to Bali, to the place that I had claimed was my own fairytale.
I had never realised that I was living in the middle of one already. The rough, wild beauty of the Scottish countryside, the gloom, the colours—they all made it impossible not to believe in magic.
As does the man next to me.
And even though my heart knew he wanted me to stay, my head had been particularly loud these past couple of days. I circled the same questions over and over again. What if I had misjudged his intentions? What if he only mourned the loss of a willing partner? He’d grown accustomed to me; it was never easy to let that go.
I would break him, too, just like I had all my other partners. Being with me was easy for a few months, but in the long run? The darker times would come back eventually.
Do I want to condemn Lew to a lifetime of functioning as my coping mechanism? Is it fair to expect him to co-regulate me?
Unlike neurotypicals who learned to do that for themselves with age, I wouldnevergrow out of the need for external regulation.
As much as I cosplayed as a functional adult, even the ticket machine at a car park could turn into an obstacle that meant I had to turn to arealadult for help.
It had cost me my relationships in the past. They hadn’t been able to deal with it, and, ultimately, I’d hated myself for demanding it of them.
“How about we go back to warm up a bit, Puppy? I thought we could have dinner in town later?” Lew stroked my shoulder and pulled me out of my thoughts.
See? He’s doing it already. Is it fair to push him into this role?
“Would you be okay with eating at home? I don’t want to share you with others tonight.” I’d spoken without looking away from the horizon.
A few days ago, I sent my parents a direct message to ask them if I could stay in the shack a bit longer. I hadn’t heard back, but if my mum said no, well, I’d have to ask Maddie if they had a room for me at the distillery.
He swallowed hard. “Anything you want, Puppy,” he rasped, hitching his thumb under my chin to get me to look at him. Warmth bloomed in his eyes as he leaned in to kiss me. “Anything,” he repeated, then got up, pulling me with him.
You, I wanted to scream.Just you.
The tiny cottage sat nestled between two dunes covered in rough grass. Nothing was between the property’s crooked wooden fence and the sea but a flat, sandy beach.
