"I'm not talking about the fucking nosebleed," Lanz says. "It's been, what, six weeks?"
A pall falls over the salle.
I look directly at Lanz. "I'm aware."
Callahan tries to step in again. "Lanz?—”
"No, Cal." Lanz shrugs away out of his grasp. “Come on, King. What the hell’s going on?” His voice is soft, but I can hear the strain beneath his words. “You’re just running two-a-days like nothing happened, barely talking to anyone. Meanwhile, Kai’s fucked off to get drunk half the time, and the library is?—”
"I told you," I say. "The investigation is still active."
This is the truth, technically, but not for much longer. The deadline for the insurance claim is looming.
"Bullshit," Lanz says. “I’m sorry, Kingston, but that's a bullshit reason. Even you said they're probably gonna find it's accidental. Elena and everyone has an alibi. What are you so worried about?"
I can't answer that.
There’s a lot I can’t answer, lately.
I’ve known what I was going to do with my life since I was old enough to understand what it meant. Earlier, in some senses. Since the day I was born. The day my mother died. I’ve always, always known what I would have to do.
But I never knew how complicated it would be.
For so long, it wasn’t. It was simple—difficult, challenging, even, but simple. Win the match, ace the test, make the right choice, don’t make the wrong one.
So for years I thought—I thought Iknew—that the greatest challenge in my life would be resisting temptation.
Now I know it’s not. The greatest challenge is knowing what to do next.
And I don’t.
Another trickle of blood starts down my upper lip.
“Look,” Lanz says, hesitant. “I’m not trying to overstep, or anything. I know interfacing with the Consistory is more yourdomain, but…aren’t they breathing down your neck by now? Because?—”
“I haven’t told them.”
“You haven’t?” Lanz stares at me. “Dude…why not? Aren’t you supposed to?”
I shake my head, and wipe away the blood with my glove. “No. It’d be premature. We haven’t truly found anything, and…”
That isn’t the whole truth. I know it’s not. Lanz and Cal likely know it’s not, too.
The truth is, I don’t know what to do.
I know she’s safe where she is, because Morgan confirmed it.
And I know as long as she’s safe that I can continue to abide like this. Training. Studying. Praying.
Waiting for the right answer to appear.
But beyond that…I just don’t. I just don’t know.
“Yeah.” Lanz doesn’t sound convinced. “I guess.” He digs the point of his foil into the toe of his shoe, rebending the blade the same way he always has, and for a moment, it’s like we’re twelve years old again. Bouting on the lawn of one estate or another while our fathers did business. Speculating about what would happen when we finally became oblates, were consecrated into knights.
From above, I hear pounding footsteps, and I brace myself. I know who it is, and I know I need in anticipation of whatever idiocy Kai is about to unleash. Sure enough, the door to the sale flies open and crashes loudly into the wall.
“Anelectricalfire?”
