And that’s somehow one thousand times worse than cinders and dust.
Anger, anger that’s been percolating somewhere deep inside me, suffuses my entire body. My ears ring; my throat dries out.
“Fuck,” I whisper. Ugly word for an ugly space. “This is…”
It’swrong, I think, wrong in a way that’s beyond criminal or moral—it’scosmicallywrong, to have nothingness like this in what should be a library. To leave nothing to mourn over. “This is…”
“It’s gone.” Kingston appears at my side.
That’s it. Two little words from him and all my fury spills out.
“I canseethat,” I practically spit, whirling on him. “Of course it’s gone. It’s…it’s…obliterated, it’s…”
Why didn’t anyone tell me?
The question’s barely surfaced in my mind when a wave of humiliation sweeps it away.
You know why no one told you, Gwenna.
I look up at Kingston. I want to be hard, to be cruel and cutting, but all I feel is shapeless.
“You let someone think that I did this,” I say. “That Icouldhave done this.”
Kingston is silent. His eyes are fixed forward, upward. Not meeting mine.
“You saidnothing,” I go on, “when you could have?—”
“What doyouknow about whatIcould have done?”
The steel in his voice takes me aback. But only for a moment.
“Plenty,” I say. “Enough.”
My chin is trembling, suddenly. A thought rings in my mind:This was a mistake. Only I don’t even know whatthisI mean.
Coming to the library?
Coming here, specifically?
Coming back at all?
Kingston’s handsome features tighten, like he’s fighting himself for control, and for the first time all evening, he looks…tired. Worn down, the ugly basement light throwing harsh shadows on his face.
“This is not about you,” he says, trying to sound patient. “Or any of us. It’s?—”
“You’re right,” I murmur. “It isn’t about me. I’m— Honestly, why even come get me? Why?—”
“You know why we had to come get you,” Kingston says—interrupting me for the first time all night. “It wasn’t safe for you there. Moroslav could have?—”
“Yes,” I cry, desperation cracking my voice. “Yes, I know why. It wasn’t safe. I wasn’t safe. And if I’m not safe, your whole…mission is compromised.” Tears are spilling from my eyes now, but I make no move to stop them. “I understand absolutely perfectly, Kingston. I knowexactlywhat you’re about. And I’m sorry if I ever made the mistake of thinking you cared about anything different.”
I clutch the books tighter to my chest and let my eyes flutter shut.
“I’m…done. I’m done here.”
When I open them again, Kingston’s face is etched with panic.
“Done,” he repeats in disbelief. “Wait, Gwenna?—”
