Neither do I.
"A summer program,” someone answers from behind me.
I don't need to look to see who's spoken up. It's Lanz. My eyes flutter shut.
"He's good," Lanz goes on. "He's very good. I trained with him. We all trained with him."
I die on the spot.Don't, Lanz, please. For once in your life, shut up.
"We all would," Kingston cuts in quickly. "We all do by virtue of his being here."
There's a long, taut pause. The prior at arms nods.
"Very well."
He untucks his hands from his sleeves and gestures for me to step forward with both hands.
"Come, Callahan O'Brian."
I do, almost tripping over the legs of the chair as I make my way around. All the white-hooded heads swivel in unison, watching me pass. I stand before the prior at arms, a good head taller than he is, but I've never felt so small.
He sweeps his hands down toward the floor. "Kneel."
I kneel and bow my head in unspoken agreement. Just doing that is reassuring. I'm behaving the way he wants to. I can't be in trouble. I feel my shoulders relax an inch or two.
"In nomine patri," I feel him grip my head with both hands, his cold, gloved fingers digging into my scalp as his thumbs press against my forehead. "Et fili et spiritui sancti."
"Amen," says a chorus of voices.
"Callahan Thomas O'Brian," he says, “will you now confess
I nod even as my head is held in place. “I will.” I feel his thumbs press downward in one firm stroke, then to the side, across my forehead.
The sign of the cross.
And itburns.
I want to jump, jerk back, but it’s like I’m frozen in place, held by the crazy strong strength of his grip and the sizzling pain where he made the strokes across my skin. I can’t even think straight, my thoughts reeling and spinning like a kaleidoscope of images and memories
“It is finished." He lets me go. "Rise."
I do, even though my legs feel like they might not hold. The prior simply nods in recognition.
“We have seen what we need of you, Callahan Thomas.” He gestures. "Sit."
I do, trying not to rush back to my seat. I can feel Lanz's eyes on me, every step, even as I settle in. I don't look at him. Don't let myself. Just slide my chair back in and pay firm attention.
They’ve moved on to the next order of business. More gifts, it looks like. One of them presents Kingston with a small case of scapulars, another gives something to Luther. I don’t know. My vision is buzzing and my ears are ringing.
Was that even…real?
Under the table, I feel Lanz reach for me, to rest his fingertips on my knee.
I can't pull away fast enough.
He's so…much. So reckless. And we can't be reckless. Not anymore.
There's only so many secrets you can keep at once.
