“What are you talking about?” I say. Firmer. Clearer. “Why were you taking off my dress?”
Kai laughs, a cold, hollow sound. “You really think I…fuck.” He takes a step back, shaking his head and muttering something I can’t make out.
“What?” I yell after him as he retreats. “What did you just say?”
Kai stops, a few feet down the path, and glares at me over his shoulder. “I saidof course you do.” He breathes out. “And incidentally, no, I’m not.”
I’m lost. “Not what?”
“Not jealous.”
Oh.
“If youmustknow,” he goes on. “I was just wondering whereall thatcame from.”
“Allwhat?”
“In there.” He jerks his head towards the ballroom. “Little Miss Backbone all of a sudden. Stands up to her bullies. No white knights needed.”
Her bullies.
All of a sudden.
As if it hadn’t been weeks. I think of Miri threatening to throw a tampon—used—at me because I “looked at her funny” in the Renfrew gang shower. Or the time sweet-faced Amanda had a meltdown so vicious she kicked me in the stomach and left a sneaker-shaped bruise on my ribs. Or any of the countless, cold words my mother levied at me in the reception room before she stopped showing up entirely.
Even just the fact that I was willing to sit, alone, for hours on end, diving straight into the dark, ugly heart of the worst day of my life.
The EMDR may not have cured my trauma. Renfrew might not have fixed whatever is or isn’t wrong with me. But at least it proved I can withstand looking it all right in the eye.
“It came from me,” I say to Kai. “That’s where. It came from me. And them?” I sweep an arm towards the dining hall. “I’ve seen way worse than what some college girls can do. Way, way worse. I’m not even close to afraid of them anymore.”
Kai stands still. The only movement the steam of his breath from his lips and nose.
He isn’t meeting my eyes.
He’s staring at my outstretched arm.
At my scars.
Instinctively, I want to pull back, curl up on myself.
But I don’t.
“So it was bad,” Kai says. “That place.” A statement, not a question.
“Well, it wasn’t a fucking vacation,” I snap. Now I fold my arms. “I’m not doing this. It’s too cold.”
I set off again down the path, my teeth clicking a little from the cold and from…something else. Nerves. The restless energy of havinggotten it out of me,the thing I really needed to say.
Something warm and soft hits my shoulders. Startled, I spin around.
Kai stands behind me in just his suit jacket, his long coat gone.
Wrapped around me.
“Don’t freeze.”
EIGHTEEN
