“She shall be read her confession as questions,” the prior intones. “And she will answer accordingly. Is it understood?”
I nod, my throat burning with shame.
"Speak!”
"Yes." My voice is a thread. "I understand."
He glances at the paper. Or I think he does. I can’t see where his eyes are looking, not through the mask, obviously. But when he speaks, he doesn’t look at it.
Like he has it memorized.
"Kingston Pendragon. Knight of the Black Table, sworn in celibacy to God,” he begins. “Did you lie with him?”
The smoke stings my eyes. Or maybe it's not the smoke.
“Yes,” I manage.
"Did you touch him with your hands?"
"Yes."
“With your mouth?"
God. I close my eyes. I can hear Morgan's breathing a few feet away, quick and frightened.
"Yes." My voice is so small.
"Did you entice him to touch you in the same manner?"
This feels like a trap. I don’t know how to answer. Entice him? Asked him, maybe.
"Did you entice him to touch you in the same manner, knowing full well he was a Knight sworn in devotion to God?”
Then I realize. There’s no other answer. There’s no saying no.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“Did you feel pleasure in these acts?”
Shame burns my face. Shame of being stared at by a hundred eyes I can’t see, shame of carving out my thoughts for a hundred people I don’t know.
For the first time, I feel like I want to die.
“Answer!”
"Yes.” It tears out of me. "Yes, I…felt pleasure."
A murmur from the Brothers. The Prior silences it with a raised hand.
"Did you, by means of your body, entice him to profess his love to you and abandon his sacred vow?”
I think of Kingston’s face. The way he looked at me in the dark of that room at St. Ignaty’s. The last moment he had to turn back.
I have nowhere to go that isn’t with you.
"Yes."
Silence.No further questions, I think.Please.
