My Father's.
"Yeah," Kai says, "yeah, no shit. It was the one he was wearing when he..." My neck and shoulder muscles contract involuntarily. Kai doesn't finish the sentence. "And they mailed it to us," he says at last.
Oh God, I think,oh God. I force a breath deep into my stomach, and then again, trying to impose the mechanics of calm on my body. But my mind is too far ahead.
"So they got it," I say softly. "They got it from..."
"From who knows," Kai says. "Shit, maybe that old Russian guy and the prior at arms are in cahoots. Pen pals or something from fencing camp.Fuck!" He turns around again, arms in the air.
"No," I say, "that's ridiculous." If there's one thing I can say certainly about what the Consistory believes, beyond their unwavering faith in God, it's that the monks of St. Ignaty's, that the whole Russian Orthodox Church, really, are not to be trusted.
"Well, then what?" Kai says. "How would they even know it was there? That he was... that he is..."
Now it's my turn to swear. "Fuck," I whisper. My stomach has sunk so far it's like it's left my body. My throat is tight, choking.
"I bet," Kai says, pacing back and forth, shaking a finger in the air, "I bet there's some kind of tracking devices in those. Why else would they care if we wore them for Lent? Who gives a shit? A reminder to be faithful and penitent? Come on. That's all we thought about, as far as they knew. We didn't need the extra accessory. For Christ's sake, literally."
Another chill down my back. "But how?" I bring the pendants right between my eyes, pry at them with the tips of my thumbs. There's nothing there. They're just flats of leather laced around a piece of wood.
"I should have microwaved the thing before putting it on," Kai mutters.
"There's nothing in here, Kai."
"Yeah, nothing visible," he says, throwing a hand out. "They must have, I don't know, enchanted it or something."
Silence stretches between us.
"We don't know that they can?—"
"We don't need to know," Kai interrupts. "Look, let's just say it, okay? We can't trust them. We never should have. They're obviously fucking...fucking psychopaths. Megalomaniacal. Power hungry." He shakes his head. "I mean, there's no way Luther's the only one giving them a kickback like that. Probably have sugar daddies all over the world. The Vatican, for starters. And?—"
"Okay, okay," I say. "You don't have to get carried away."
Kai blows out a long breath. "I'm out," he says, eyebrows up, meeting my eyes directly. "I'm out. I'm done with them, with all of it. I'll take care of Gwenna. I will die for Gwenna. But as for the rest of it..."
"I know," I say. "I..."
I hesitate. But I don't know why. What even is left? The vows are broken. The quest is solved, in a sense. The Consistory has nothing to offer us, except perhaps some way to stop what's happening to the earth around us.
But if they sent this, if they had this, if they know my father is dead, then they must know I killed him.
They might know a good deal more.
Kai's right. We can't trust them.
"I am too," I say out loud.
Kai's brows go up further. "Really?" he says softly.
"You said it first," I point out.
"Yeah, but..." Kai swipes at the air. "When have I ever been a role model? And for you, of all people."
I fix him with a stare. "I trust your judgment, Kai."
Kai looks away. Looks at the mirror opposite the machines instead of back at me, like he’s studying the two of us. Studying me. Then he mutters something I can’t quite make out.
“What?” I say.
