“I shall never see another person. All my life. That’s surely a punishment fit—”
“That’s too rich. It’s arewardfor you! God above.” Douglas moves forward to lean his hands on the table. We’re so close I can make out the frayed edges of his beard, his shirt, the gash across his throat. The details forever immortalized from his first night with me. “You stand there boasting of your cleverness while you hurt everyone around you.”
“How does this hurtLiney?” I ask, baffled. “I’m granting her more freedom, not less. And harm you? You’re well past that.”
It’s the wrong thing to say. My insides squirm with guilt I wish I didn’t feel. I’ve lost any goodwill that my strategic mercy would’ve earned.
Douglas’s jaw clenches. How must it feel to be without form yet still grind your teeth?
“Where is your remorse, wretch?” His face doesn’t seem transparent at so close a range. I can see every pore on the tip of his nose, each hair spread over his quivering lip.
I’m doing this all wrong. But like a fire, I can’t stop myself. “Ijustapologized to you—”
Douglas’s fingers clench atop the table. Does he imagine them around my throat? A trickle of blood begins anew down his neck.
“For calling me lecherous, yes. Trust that I don’t forget how low you thought of me. Can you not think of anything else, any act, any unchangeable fact, that I might be interested in?”
“The sailors—”
Douglas throws his head back and barks an astounded laugh, spraying dark drops of blood across the table. “Forkillingme, Eleanor!”
Oh. Right.That.
Douglas breathes ragged. How long has he waited to finally request this from me? Suffering every day as I never gave him an ounce of regret for coming into his life only to end it. While his bones can no longer feel pain, the soul before me does.Eleanor.Pratterman’s the only one who calls me that now, said with a sneer like an old barb. It hurts more when Douglas says it. Tender like a wound.
But I can’t apologize and mean it. I wouldn’t have done it any other way. That’s what it means to do what needs to be done.
Or would I? What might’ve happened, had I not slashed his throat open? If I’d explained our situation to him. If I’d requested his help in harboring us through the storm I’d wrought. My pulse quickens, and the room is all at once too cold and too hot.
I didn’t know he was a man of honor. I’m not sure I’ve met one before him. I keep my gaze steady on his gray, glossy eyes. Can a spirit cry? He begins to turn away. I may never see him again if we leave on these grounds.
That’s when it truly dawns on me. This tinge of fear at my throat. I want Douglas in my life. I’d miss him. I could be happy here with my sister and my ghost.
He’s right. Containment is a reward for me. If I don’t ruin it first.
“Don’t go,” I blurt out in panic. “You’re right. About it all. But there’s no forgiving what I’ve done. I thought it useless to try.”
“It’s the trying,” he whispers. His quiet is a sharper blade to my heart than any screaming could be.
“Then allow me this. To try.”
He stills. Relief flushes through me like the cool waves over magma that made this place. It may be selfish to want him to care about me, even in our twisted way, but it’s the truth of me.
“I’m sorry.” I pause, unsure how much to divulge of the depths of my cruelty. “That I stole your future. Your chance at happiness. At a life dedicated to saving people. I know how much it pains you to watch me doom others in the same room where you would’ve protected them. I’ve always known, and I haven’t cared, and for that I’m sorry. I can’t give back what I took. I’m the villain of your life. You don’t wish to be tethered here. But to me, it’s a comfort. You’ve spoken of my sister only in kindness. Even with me you remain as respectful as I could hope for. In every way that matters, you’re more a gentleperson than I could ever be. And you don’t deserve an afterlife stuck here with me.”
I take in a rattling breath. The words came out in such a rush I didn’t know them before they were said. “I swear, James, on whatever tatters of a soul I have left, I mean every word.”
Douglas straightens. His face is unreadable, complicated by the transparency he’s fading into. But I search anyway because he told me to try.
“I believe you,” he says finally, a small smile on his lips. “But it’s what you do next that will tell the truth. Do what you will, but let it be with the full knowledge of its effect on us all. Especially on yourself.”
I’m left alone at the table, rose-cheeked and dry-mouthed. I lift the teacup to my lips with a shaking hand. When I sip, I finally taste only bitter, malty black tea.
18Liney
To Visit
I can see how Elle missed the new cave. If she approached from her habitual counterclockwise direction and didn’t look down at the correct angle, it’d be camouflaged by black rock and seaweed clumps. The cave has a lip that prevents waves from crashing into its maw and an extended ceiling to create a small gap to wiggle into. The space within is surprisingly dry.
