Half of me aches for it to be Sandro, calling to apologise and tell me he loves me and can’t live without me. That he doesn’t want me to leave. Telling me to come home. But the new, more worldly half of me knows that that’s not likely to happen.
That side is right, of course. Even so, cold disappointment slides through me when I see it’s not Sandro who’s calling me, it’s my sister April.
I almost don’t pick up, not sure I can keep it together enough not to alert her to my destroyed state of mind. I’m scared that if she asks me how I am I’m not going to be able to lie and I’ll start to cry, and I’m pretty damn sure that once I start, I’m not going to be able to stop.
But I’m not a little girl any more who doesn’t face things that frighten her. So I press the button to accept the call and my world crashes in a little further when my sister tells me that our father’s been in a bad car accident and might not live out the day.
* * *
Sandro
I stagger back into the apartment around mid-morning, the day after our fight, feeling like shit.
I spent the whole night walking around the city, too ashamed of myself to come back and face her, finally only giving in to the drag of sleep at dawn and taking a nap on a bench in the Parco delle Cascine.
I know I have no right to expect to find Juno still here waiting for me to get back, but even so as I go from room to room… I hope.
My gut twists painfully as I open her wardrobe to find that it’s empty, apart from the couple of things she bought while she was here. Her case has gone, as has her wash bag from the bathroom.
She’s left me.
I slump against the wall next to the sink and slide down to the floor, putting my head in my hands, feeling totally wrecked. A hollow shell of myself.
How could I have let this happen?
I am such afucking idiot.
Ashallowfucking idiot.
I was so proud of myself when she told me that out of all the men she’d researched I’d come out at the top of her list. My sexual reputation had been everything to me at that point. In my mind it made up for my lack of academic prowess, business acumen or any kind of serious drive or ambition, but I know now that it doesn’t. Not for Juno. She needs more than that. She deserves more.
My insides clench with disgust at myself.
I’ve allowed myself to be my father’s puppet all my life, but I’m fed up with putting on a show for people now – just being a pretty face, an arm for women to hang off. I don’t want to be that person any more. I want to be someone who’s respected for more than their family name and looks, even if it means going out on my own. But I don’t want to make a success of my art just for me; I want to do it for her too. I want to feel worthy of being with someone as smart and accomplished as Juno.
I want her to be proud of me.
So I’m going to change. For her. I’m going to do all the things I’ve been too scared to do for fear of failing, and even if I do fail, over and over again, at least I’ll be moving forward.
And maybe she’ll recognise that as a strength and a good reason to give me another chance – at being a proper partner to her this time.
Jesus, I hope so. Because I don’t know how I’m going to live without her.
Finally, I allow myself to put a name to the way I feel about her.
It’s love.
I love her.
I’ve known it for a while, of course, I just haven’t wanted to admit it to myself.
But I have now. And I know what I need to do to let her know it too: I have to swallow my pride and allow myself to be vulnerable. Just like she did.
It takes me a couple of days to put everything into motion and then there’s nothing left but to go back to London, find her and ask her to forgive me. To beg her for another chance, even though I probably don’t deserve one after the shitty way I behaved.
Once back on English soil, I call the friend of a friend who originally gave me Juno’s number, but he doesn’t have her address; and it seems the rest of the people I know from London’s social scene don’t know her well enough to have it either, because she rarely makes an appearance at the events and parties they go to.
But now I’ve made up my mind to do this I know I have to see her right away.
