The harshness catches me off guard. While I could tell he wasn’t as close to Timothy and Carla, I’d assumed they were all friends to some degree. Especially considering that they’re all a part of the same elite lunch table—Kiki and Carla holding court as they’re flanked by the wealthiest and most popular students Millcreek has to offer.
“Aren’t they your friends too?” I ask with a furrowed brow.
“No,” he says quickly, shuddering as if the thought is chilling. “Definitely not.” His nose wrinkles for a moment before he loses himself in his thoughts. He looks up at the ceiling, folding his arms tightly across his chest as he whispers, “I… don’t really have a lot of friends.”
“That’s impossible,” I reply instantly. Saying Kai Thompson doesn’t have friends is like saying that I have hundreds: factuallyuntrue. Kai can barely make it to class on time with how many people stop him to say hi or catch up with him about sports or his plans for the weekend.
Yet Kai seems genuinely perplexed by my perspective. He turns to me, his lips curling slightly with a hint of amusement. “How so?”
“You’re so…” I don’t know how to finish that sentence. Explaining Kai’s social status is like explaining why we breathe air. Why the sky is blue. It just is. “You’re popular.”
Kai shakes his head bashfully, laughing quietly to himself. “I’m not popular.”
“Uh, hello, you were homecoming king.”Withoutcampaigning, I neglect to add. It was as if everyone was following an unspoken social code. Kai Thompson was the kind, charming new transfer student. It didn’t matter that someone like Timothy was probably the more obvious and clichéd choice—Kai just made sense. And, for once, the whole school agreed.
Kai shrugs sheepishly, a rosy tint blooming along his cheeks as he rubs at the side of his neck—a go-to move when he’s nervous, I’m realizing. “Yeah, but that’s just because people were being nice.”
“People are never just nice at Millcreek.”
I say it without thinking. Without realizing how much bite my words have. It’s a subconscious response—like picking at a scab. The students at Millcreek High have never been kind. To me, to Joel, to anyone. If they were, they wouldn’t have just looked at me with pity after we lost Joel—they’d have tried to make amends. If they were, they wouldn’t still be judgingmefor what Papi did. Our classmates are lots of things, but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that they’ve never been nice just for the sake of it. Cruelty is their default.
Kai detects the unease in my tone, looking as though he’s going to say something, before thinking over a new response.
“I guess I’m not that close with anyone,” he says in a whisper so quiet, it’s as if this is some kind of private confession.
I move closer to him until I’m leaning on the pillow opposite his. “What about all those guys you have lunch with?”
“Mostly Kiki’s friends.” He shrugs. “Some of them are okay, but… I don’t know. I always feel like I’m putting on some kind of front for them. The whole ‘super fratty jock’ thing.”
“You mean you’renota super fratty jock?” I tease, nudging my elbow against his.
Kai turns back to me with a knowing look, his face suddenly so close to mine it sets my heart on fire. “Did youseemy Miles Morales costume?” he jokes.
Just thinking about the skintight fabric he’d been wearing earlier this afternoon makes the heat return to my cheeks. His current ensemble isn’t any better in terms of not drawing my attention—still dressed in his damp swimming trunks with a half-unbuttoned flannel layered over it now—but something about the costume manages to make my stomach flutter just from the thought.
“There just aren’t that many people I feel like I can be myself with,” Kai continues when I don’t say anything. He turns back to me with a shy smile—nudging me this time with his shoulder. Except, he doesn’t pull away like I did, letting his arm stay pressed up against mine. Our fingers are so close it would only take a subtle twitch for mine to be wrapped up in his. “Except you.”
My heart pounds louder than my racing thoughts, louder than the rain and thunder rumbling outside. So loud I’m surehe must hear it. “Really?” I ask, wishing I didn’t sound as breathless as I feel.
“You let me talk your ear off about my drawings.”
“Because they’re really good.”
“They’re—”
“Don’t be modest,” I interject, gently tapping my hand against his. Pushing to see how far we’re willing to let each other go. “I can barely handle stick figures.”
“Well, thank you.” Kai rolls over onto his side properly, facing me head on. “For the compliment and for not calling me a nerd.”
Before I can overthink it, I fold my arm down beneath my head like a pillow and roll over onto it. We’re side by side, face to face. “I never said you weren’t a nerd.”
His laugh is drowned out by a clap of thunder, but I can still feel it vibrating through me—that joyous laugh that first drew me to him. His eyes flicker down for a moment, and I don’t let myself think that he might’ve been looking at my lips. The rosiness in his cheeks has bloomed all the way down to his collarbone when he looks back up at me, and I wonder if he feels just as warm as I do.
“I just… I like talking to you. It feels like you like me forme.” He cuts himself off, eyes going as wide as the full moon outside. “Not that you like me likethat, I just meant…” He sighs, too embarrassed to finish that thought, and closes his eyes.
“I do like you,” I whisper before I can overthink it. Because it’s true. I like him. More than I’ve ever liked anyone else. More than I ever thought was possible. And as much as it absolutely terrifies me and goes against everything I’ve been told to believe, I lean into it. I want more of this—more time withhim—because he’s the safe space I’ve been looking for since I lost Joel. My one chance to understand who I am outside the suffocatingly small box I’ve been stuck in for years. Because Kai’s the only person who sees the real me—not Joel’s sister, not Papi’s daughter,me. Someone I’m still trying to get to know myself.
Kai seems stunned, his eyes still wide. I would’ve thought he was frozen if he didn’t blink in sudden rapid succession, looking as though he’s trying to convince himself that this moment is real—a feeling I can definitely relate to.
