“I know. I know that. But I saw down the line. I saw your senior year going up in smoke, and what about when we only lived six hours apart? We had years where we’d be separated.Years, Autumn.”
Our plan had been for her to go to Stanford while I was in LA, and if that didn’t work out, she was going to go to the same school as me, or one nearby. Everything was based around me. Around us.
“You didn’t know I’d get in.” Her shoulders fell.
“I knew you’d get in.” There was no mistaking my feelings on this. I was more sure about it than anything. She’d had perfect scores on tests, extracurriculars, internships, and amazing letters of recommendation, and all of this before her senior year. She was the smartest person I’d ever known. Still was. “I saw it. Your life would have revolved around me. You deserved better than that.”
“And all you saw was wasted potential. What about now, Jamie?”
That hit me like a brick, knocking the wind out of me. “What do you mean?”
“I gave everything up. It’s everything you just said you were trying to avoid. To many, that’s a failure.” She blinked away tears.
Of course, she thought I judged her. It was the first thing I’d done. But seeing her comfortable in her surroundings, seeing the way she lit up when she was doing her job, I’d immediately banished the thought. “It’s not a failure to you. And definitely not to me.”
Autumn had crafted this beautiful life where the only person’s expectations she cared about were her own. It was awe-inspiring.
“I gave up Stanford. If you broke up with me like you’re saying, that’s what you wanted for me. So why would you think I made the right choice?”
I took her hands in mine and looked into her eyes. “You’re happy. I love that you’re happy. I see you work your ass off and still enjoy doing what you do. No one told us that that was the dream. They said that we needed to go to good schools, to be in good professions, but that was it. It’s like our parents have the ideals of six-year-olds.I want my kid to be a doctor. I want my kid to be a lawyer. I want them to go to Harvardor Stanford.But why? They say they want the best of us, but they don’tknowwhat’s best for us.” I squeezed her hands. “I love the law, and I love being a lawyer. But that was all my choice, and my parents ran with it. I got lucky. I know the pressure you were under when we were kids. I can understand why the straw broke your back. There’s nothing here to be ashamed of. In fact, I don’t think I could be prouder of you.”
Tears were streaming down her face, and a small sob escaped. “We were talking about forever. I don’t care what my plans were, I loved you.”
And why did that slice me through the gut? I’d earned her love at one time and destroyed it. I did that.
“And that’s why I did what I did. Maybe it was the wrong choice, maybe it was unfair, but I did it, and I have to own that.” I could have made it long distance for four years. Or six or eight depending on what she’d ended up doing. I’d loved her so much, I would have followed her once I graduated. But she’d been ready to do the same, and that truly hadn’t been good for her. I’d meant it when I said forever, but sometimes forever wasn’t good enough. “I said all that shit because I knew it would—”
“Break my heart?”
Tears spilled over my cheeks, and I didn’t bother wiping them away.
Back then, I had broken my own heart in the process of breaking hers, but we’d needed a clean break. I wouldn’t have been able to survive otherwise, but I hadn’t known it’d be the last time I’d see her. Even knowing I did the right thing, it took its toll. After five days of ignoring all phone calls and skipping every class, my mom had shown up on my doorstep. I had only answered because I’d thought it was the pizza I’d barely managed to order. That was when I’d finally broken down.
Autumn never knew that. But my pain wasn’t what mattered.
“You may never forgive me. I understand that, okay?”
Her silence killed me. The small sobs she emitted broke me down to nothing. But her words after a few deep breaths ruined me. “I do forgive you.”
“You…” There was no way. “Really?”
She nodded. “I’ve had a long time to get over it. I don’t like that you made that choice for me, for us, but it makes sense.”
And while it made sense back then, I couldn’t help but wonder where we’d be if I hadn’t made that decision. Teenage love didn’t typically last, but deep love, no matter what age, could sustain a relationship for decades until the end, and based on our previous moments years ago to now, our love had been profound. But I’d screwed that up out of a sense of my own righteousness, and I couldn’t take that back.
