My world toppled over as the breath whooshed out of my lungs. And was that a high-pitched ringing in my ears? I hadn’t seen her after she confessed her love, but I’d sort of been avoiding her. I thought again about what I’d heard when I climbed out of her window. Hazel had come to talk to her about a possible replacement counselor. Had Nat taken the option? I felt sick.
“I did this.” The words felt bitter on my tongue, but it was nothing compared to the churning in my stomach.
Leo’s eyebrows lifted in surprise before narrowing. “Please tell me you didn’t fuck up with her. Again.” Leo was back to his chastising face. I’d never seen it before this summer, but I was finding it more and more frequently.
I put my head in my hands and watched his feet come closer through my fingers. He placed his hand on my shoulder, and I lifted my head to find a look of understanding. “I’d been telling myself I didn’t want a relationship, and like an idiot, I pushed her away. She told me she loved me, and I pushed her away.”
“Then you know what you have to do, Jack.” His determination had me feeling like maybe I could fix this, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have doubts.
“What if I’m too late?”
Leo shook his head. “You won’t know until you try. Putting yourself out there is hard. And maybe you offer her your heart, and she crushes it, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth the risk. Love is always worth the risk.”
THIRTY-TWO
Nat
The hotel lobbyhad been a shit-show. I’d dragged myself out of my rideshare to find total chaos in the form of loud kids of all ages here for the statewide spelling bee, just my luck. I’d tried to put on a smiling facade for the receptionist, but could barely muster up a wave.
By the time I’d made it to my room, I had five missed calls from Hazel. She'd left me a couple of messages while I was in flight, and I couldn’t put her off for much longer. So after a shower and some self-care, I picked up the phone.
“So, how’s it going?”
I twirled the sash to my hotel robe and stared at my newly painted toes as Hazel asked the question of the day over video chat.
“Oh, you know.” My stomach was upset, and I questioned why I went from one mortifying situation to another. Tomorrow’s party was going to suck. “Mandy and I are about to go to dinner, just the two of us. It’ll be nice.”
More like it’d be difficult to mask my emotions about what I was diving into and what I’d just been through with Jack.
Jack.
The name I couldn’t even think of without tearing up. But I couldn’t tell Hazel that. Not now. Not if I was going to make it through this day.
“Are you okay, Nat? I mean, I know you’re about to go into this terrible situation, but it just feels like there’s something else.”
My throat stung as I swallowed down the words I wanted to say. Instead, I blurted out a completely different thought, as though I hadn’t been vulnerable enough in the past twenty-four hours. “I think I’m hard to love.”
The silence that followed was deafening.
“Forget I said that,” I choked out. “I just heard a knock at the door. It’s probably room service.”
“No, Nat. Don’t you dare.”
“Listen, Haze, it was a stupid thought. I think I’m just down on myself,” I tried. “It’s because of the whole parents thing, and you trying to fill my role and?—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean by me trying to fill your role?”
“I mean, you found a replacement, and that’s cool,” I lied.
Shock covered Hazel’s face. “I had someone reach out to me, but I’ll kick them to the curb right now, babe. I want you to stay.”
“You want me to?—”
“It’s not even a question. Doyouwant to stay?”
Did I? That question wouldn’t have even crossed my mind forty-eight hours ago, but now, with everything happening with Jack, I didn’t know.
Hazel’s kind eyes hit me right in the gut. “You don’t have to answer that just yet. Let’s start with you telling me what’s actually wrong.”
