His eyes snapped fire at her as if the words were hurtful to him. “Who were you in love with?”
Nora moved back a bit as her memories tore through her. “Michel de Troyes.” Even after all this time, just saying his name tugged at her heart. “He came to my father’s castle three summers back and was the most incredible man you can imagine. Handsome. Charming. Well educated. He made me laugh until my sides ached. I thought he felt the same way for me until I learned that my mother’s lady-in-waiting had been meeting with him. In the end, I had to smile and wish them well while inside I wanted to tear every shred of Joan’s hair from her head.”
Ewan’s gaze studied her face. “Did he know how you felt about him?”
“Aye. As you well know, I tend to rattle on about everything and I confessed my feelings. After I had embarrassed myself, he told me about the two of them.”
“At least he was honest with you.”
“Aye, but the hurt was no less severe for it.”
He patted her hand, his eyes searching. “Do you love him still?”
“Aye, to a degree. I think there is a part of me that will always love him. But I don’t think we would have had a happy marriage. I was young and he enchanted me.”
“And Ryan?”
She shuddered. “I shall spend the whole of my life lamenting him.”
“I am sorry for that. But how do you know this man doesn’t love you?”
Nora laughed bitterly. “How could he? Ryan knows nothing of me even though we grew up as neighbors and he visited often. All he ever did was drop frogs down my back and pull my braids. He is a beast. A complete and utter beast. All he knows of me is that I am my father’s heir and that I carry the weight of his fortune in my dowry. ‘Tis all he cares for. I could be a pox-ridden mule and he would be glad to have me.”
“I doubt that.”
“Doubt all you like. It is truth and well I know it.”
She leaned forward until their noses almost touched. “So you see, you are the stronger man, Ewan. You are still here. You came home when another man wouldn’t have had the courage to face his family after running away with Isobail and then being abandoned by her. At the time, you thought your brother would be there to laugh at you or beat you and yet like a man, you returned to take your punishment.”
He drew a deep breath and looked away from her. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, my lady. But nothing will ever make this right. It was my actions that caused his death and no other.”
Nora tapped him on the shoulder twice to emphasize her point. “Think for a moment, Ewan. Had you not run off with Isobail, do you honestly believe she would have stayed with Kieran and married him? Nay, she would not. She would have run off anyway to meet her lover and he would still be dead because she was gone.”
By his face, she could tell the thought had never crossed his mind before. “But I betrayed him.”
“Isobail betrayed him and he betrayed all of you by dying. What he did is his fault, not yours. He died because he believed he couldn’t live without Isobail. Shewould have gone to England regardless of who escorted her. Had it not been you, I am certain she would have found another man to lie to and deceive. Either way, Kieran would have perished from her lies.”
Ewan sat there in silence as he contemplated her words. He knew she was right and there were many nights when he lay awake cursing and hating Kieran for what he’d done. Hating his brother for leaving him behind to feel this pain and guilt.
But it didn’t stop what he felt in his heart.
It was there that he saw the brother he’d known. The boy who had helped him make mischief on Braden and Lochlan. The man who had taken him aside and introduced him to drinking and gaming.
There was seldom a happy memory of his childhood and youth in which Kieran wasn’t a large part.
He had respected and loved Kieran. And he had paid his brother back by stealing away with his woman in the dark of night.
Ewan growled at the fierce pain stabbing his gut and heart. Unable to stand the weight of it, he got up and headed for the woods to be alone.
He wanted to run away from it. He wished he could just bury the past and forget all that had happened.
But there was no escaping it.
No matter what Ewan did, it was always there. Hurting. Aching. Demanding and bleak. It accused him of being wrong and told him how worthless he was. How he had hurt his entire family.
Drinking was the only way to reduce the pain of it.
Drinking was all he had now.
