I guess she does have me figured out.
“He never told me he was going to leave me all that. I never wanted it. I would have told him to do something else with it if I’d known. The only explanation he left for why he chose me was a note.‘Do better.’” The note’s folded up in my dresser drawer. Sometimes I pull it out just to look at his shaky handwriting, silently asking him what he meant by it. “I’ve spent the last two years feeling like he’s up there watching me fail at the one thing he asked me to do.”
Failure chafes in any context, but trying to live up to my friend’s last request? It never stops aching.
“I don’t think he meant it as a reproof, Reed. He was your friend. He cared about you. Maybe he meant he wanted you to do better than he did.”
“At the coffee shop?”
“Atlife. You said he was all alone. Maybe he wanted you to have more than that.Betterthan that.”
I’ve said Harry and I didn’t talk seriously, but he did sometimes make self-deprecating jokes about being a hermit. Or he’d drop a remark about not having anyone in his life beyond us fishing together a few times a month. He didn’t even call me when he was in the hospital, he was that solitary.
But he knew how torn up I was over Brooke. He saw me retreating from people firsthand. Could Rose be right? Maybe he wanted me to re-engage and live a better life. Make different choices so I wouldn’t go in the same direction he did.
“You’re very wise.” I nuzzle my cheek against hers.
She squirms, tilting her head away. “That tickles.”
“Does it?” I run my beard over her neck until she’s giggling and squirming in my arms. I drop a kiss below her ear, snuggling her close against me. “We should probably go in soon.”
“Do you want to?”
“No.” I drag my mouth over her exposed skin. “But if we don’t, I’m going to start thinking seriously about making a variety of delicious mistakes.”
“It wouldn’t be a mistake.” She twists around to reach my mouth. “But it would be very cold.”
Her nose touches mine like an icy fingertip. That’s enough to get me moving. I can’t have my girl getting that chilled out here. We get up, and I shake out my numb legs, pouring a bucket of water on the fire until I’ve doused the last of the glowing embers.
Inside, the cabin’s dark. I hand her my small flashlight so she can retrieve her pajamas and toothbrush and whatever else she needs from the room she’s sharing with Lucy and Jovie. She ducks into the bathroom, and I sit on the edge of one couch, my skin buzzing in the quiet.
The bathroom door opens, bright white slicing into the darkness before she snaps off the light. We’re plunged back into black, my eyes flashing with the afterimage of her silhouetted in thedoorway. She clicks the flashlight on, meeting me in the living room.
I stand, mustering all of my power not to pull her right back in my arms. I’ve been holding her for hours now. Isn’t that enough?
There will never be enough when it comes to her.
“Thanks for bringing me out here.” She whispers, knowing my brothers are sleeping in the open loft above. Luke’s soft snores punctuate the quiet. “I’ve had a really great time.”
“Me, too.” Better than the best.
She watches me for a minute, then leans up, resting her hands on my chest, to press a quick kiss to my mouth. When she drops back down, the flashlight’s aimed at the floor, casting her face in shadow. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
She turns to go. All my efforts crumble to dust. I take her hand, reeling her back toward me. She’s instantly in my arms, my mouth moving over hers. It’s a quick, passionate kiss, all hands and mouths and gentle sighs. It’s a promise there will be more.
And maybe a tiny bit of retribution for tormenting me while she ate that s’more.
She pulls back but stays in my arms. Just like she did that day at the park, she pats my chest, right over my heart.
That soft touch stays with me long after we go our separate ways, her fingerprints etching themselves onto my skin.
31
rose
Driving awayfrom the Bridger cabin, I experience what I imagine little kids go through when they leave Disneyland. Barely contained weeping and an urge to immediately start begging to go again.
