“Yes.” She was still holding Daniel tight, not wanting to let him go.
“Tomorrow then,” Sebastian said with a soft smile.
He held his hand out to help her up, and she took it, his touch warm and gentle. It rippled across her arm and wrapped around her heart, and she nearly gasped.
“Thank you,” she muttered as she stood.
Once standing, Sebastian continued to hold her hand, meeting her eyes and showing her his gratitude. And she stared right back, beaming, unable to believe just how much she had enjoyed this. More than that was how much she enjoyed his silent praise.
She wanted to come back tomorrow for the children, but she also wanted to do it for Sebastian. He was not what she had thought, and she was desperate to prove to him that she was not what he had likely thought of her. As if she needed to be worthy of him.
“Oh!” she yelped when Daniel wrapped his arms around her leg.
“Don’t leave!” he begged.
She laughed and stroked his head. “I will return tomorrow, I promise.”
“Another story?” he asked eagerly.
“Two stories,” she promised.
Indeed, the following day, Helena and Sebastian returned to the orphanage. This time, Helena did not hover by the entrance, nervous to enter. She walked right in. Daniel saw her and cried out. She waved and opened her arms, and he raced toward her.
The second day was spent reading mostly, but she also played games. She also listened as the children told her stories, most of which sounded made up but were fun to listen to, nonetheless.
At one point, she noticed Sebastian watching her as she read. He stood back, his arms folded, smiling, a look in his blue eyes that she was coming to know well. It reminded her of the look he gave her on their first outing, only this time it wasn’t fake or forced. It was real in every sense of the word, and she very nearly tripped over her tongue and lost her place because of it.
Something was happening here. She knew what it was, but was too terrified to admit it. Masking her feelings simply as those brought by doing good deeds. A lie, she knew, one that was becoming harder to swallow.
While Helena knew that the smart thing to do was to stop visiting the orphanage and stop putting herself in this position, she also knew that simply was not an option.
This was a whole new world to her, one she was excited to explore.
CHAPTER 19
Helena was hunched over her desk, quill in hand, mind fixed firmly on the task at hand: writing.
That was how it always was with her. When she was feeling confused. When she was conflicted. When she was sad. When she was happy. Whenever she needed to work through her feelings or simply revel in a good day, she would sit down at her desk and let the words flow.
It was a form of catharsis to her. More than that, it was the very essence of life. This was her purpose, and she was grateful that even in this marriage, she was still afforded the freedom to do the one thing that made her feel whole.
At least that was the point.
What is going on? What is wrong with me? The words are there, banging about in my brain, but they refuse to reach the tip of my quill! What is happening?!
She had been at it for an hour, and not so much as a single word was written. Perhaps not the first time this had happened, but certainly the first time that, despite how hard she focused and determined she became, she knew that nothing would change and that the page would remain blank.
It was as if there was a wall between her quill and the page. A refusal to let the words flow. She furrowed her brow. She gritted her teeth. She pressed the quill to the page and… nothing.
“Urgh!” she cried out and threw her hands up in the air. “Write! Something! Anything!”
To make matters worse, Helena knew the reason that she could not put words on the page. But that only made it more troublesome, more confusing, because it should have been the opposite.
Try as she might, she could not stop thinking about Sebastian.
That was why she had sat down tonight, determined to scrawl her thoughts and feelings onto the page so that she might sort through them. In her head, they were muddled and tangled, but laid out before her, she might be able to see through the mess and find an answer.
Frustratingly, no answer was forthcoming. Nor would it be.
